need to vent.............<BR>My h filed, we are co-existing in the home through January for the kids. they both know. We are so much like friends, its hard to believe we are getting divorced, but we are. He bought me a television for Christmas!!! I am struggling with alot of pain and hurt. I just want this to be over. I love him, and its like grieving the death of someone while they are walking around, reminding you they are not there. We are trying to be "adult" about this but it is soo hard.<BR>this has been going on since last feb, when we started counseling to try and work things out, I am feeling he has known he was going to divorce me all along, just tried to make it easier by preparing us. Sometimes I am strong and make plans for my future with the kids, read everything I can get my hands on and other times I cry so hard I throw up. thanks for listening, any comments and prayers welcome

Dear carol14:<P>I'm sorry. There is so much hurt in these situations.<P>Are you still living in the same house because of finances? Does he have a place to rent or lease as of January? Talk about prolonging the pain.<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bellevue:<BR><B>Dear carol14:<P><BR>Are you still living in the same house because of finances? No, because our counsler said, the kids would benefit, from not being forced to change so close to all the holidays,. Does he have a place to rent or lease as of January? I don't know, I think he would be willing to stay here like this until the D is final, but I can't stand it much longer. thank you for your kind words<P><BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Carol,<BR>I am going thru a similar situation. My H will be leaving in mid-January and we are currently living as roommates. He never had any interest in rebuilding our marriage and continues to ache for the OW. (It's only been 2 months since d-day). I intially told him if he wants to see the OW, he's got to move out and he was planning to in mid-Nov. But we agreed to make it thru the holidays because of the kids and the family. But it has been so incredibly hard on both of us. He has only had minimal contact with OW and it's killing him. I want him out so I can start having a life for myself, but at the same time, I'm mourning the loss of our marriage and feeling completely rejected. We're both walking around like zombies.<P>How old are your children, how much detail did you give your children and how did they handle the news?

Stonehouse,<P>why are you giving up so easily?<P>what does the OW have that you don't have?<BR>Why can't he give her up?<P>WIFTT

wifft-<BR>I don't feel I'm giving up easily. My H wants the OW because she fills his needs in ways that *he believes* I can't or won't. As in many marriages, our communication broke down over the years. He tells me how wonderful they communicate, how great the sex is, how they can discuss ANYTHING. He has no interest in trying to rebuild our marriage because he so very much wants to be with the OW. He's rejected my suggestion of both individual and couples counselling - citing it is a waste of time to try to work on something he doesn't want. He knows that I would be willing to go to counselling and work hard to rebuild the marriage, but there is no spark on his part. I feel the only solution is to let him go and let him see if the grass is truly greener. We've been married 25 years, so it's quite painful for me to accept that he'd be willing to chuck that amount of time/life without giving it some very serious thought and consideration. Do you have any other questions? I'm willing to answer anything, especially if it will help me understand this whole mess!!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by stonehouse:<BR>[B]wifft-<BR> "I feel the only solution is to let him go and let him see if the grass is truly greener." <BR> Stonehouse,<BR>I totally agree with that statement, and feel now it is the only answer for me as well, my h promises their is nor an OW but there is something out there he is convinced will <BR>"take the elephant off his chest" and make him happy, and he is willing to disrupt all of our lives to get it. He also thinks he is doing me a favor too, I deserve someone who loves me like I need to be loved.<BR>I want to say thanks for waiting until I am 43 to share that!!!!!!!!!! I have a son who is 7 and a daughter that just turned 14. My daughter appears to not be concerned, she even said I might find someone cuter!!!! Said, she knew it was coming. My sons heart is broken, clings to me, won't stop telling me he loves me, My h took responsibility for <BR>the divorce, we told them together, (actually he talked while I tried not to cry. He told them he did not love their mother like a girlfriend anymore. When he was able to look in their eyes and say that, was when I accepted it was over........... <BR>It will become more real for them when we no longer live in the same house.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 26, 2001).]

Thanks for those words of encouragement. The past 2 days have been so very hard for me. I'm trying to focus on the positives of him not being here (yes, there are some!!) but I also feel that after such a long marriage, it's as if a part of my body is being cut off. (My sister said to think of it as a cancer being taken away)<P>I've bought several books and hope to be able to get myself in the mindset of doing what's best for me and let him worry about himself & the ow. Lord knows, he'll have a lot to deal with when they're together. <P>Carol, how are your children doing? My kids are much older than yours (19 & 22) and we haven't told them yet. Sunday or Monday-whenever my H gets up the courage to sit down & look them in the eye & tell them he's fallen out of love with me and into love with another woman. God, I really dread this! I honestly can't see my H telling them that, but I told him those words can come from his mouth or mine, but the kids WILL know WHY he's leaving. He's so very afraid that he'll lose the kids love and affection. Funny, he wasn't worried about losing my love or affection!!<P>Enough venting....Carol, I hope you're doing ok and thanks to ttmo.

My husband too has said things like "you need someone to love you like you deserve to be loved" - I don't even know how to respond to that. Is he saying that out of hope that I will find someone and then he will be off the hook? He is always saying to me that this is not about him and OW, but I find it hard to work on our marriage when I know that he would rather be with someone else. He is with OW in Europe right now - left the day after Christmas.<BR>Our kids are young - 13, 11, 6 and 3 - so there are so many different needs there. I am no longer protecting H - I don't trash him, but when the kids ask I tell them that he is with OW. My three year old just knows that she misses her dad. My two boys, 6 and 13, have been very supportive and concerned for me. My 11 year old daughter is angry at me - and I am troubled by the fact that she knows her father is involved with another woman and seemingly sees nothing wrong with it. <BR>I too feel like we are just co-existing and there is so much pain and guilt. We just spent our first new years apart in 20 years. I question his sincerity in counseling as well, but after 18 months, I also have to believe that he must be horribly conflicted about this because we are still not divorced or really even moving in that direction. I can only wonder what he is telling OW about that. I know that I did a poor job of meeting his needs over the course of our 16 year marriage, and I even understand his disbelief in my ability to do so, but I also know that I have learned alot about myself, us, and marriage and I would welcome the opportunity to show him. But it is hard when there is an OW so involved.<BR>Enough rambling - carol14, I know exactly how you feel. Just keep the faith and be patient. You're in my prayers.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gatorgirl:<BR><B>My husband too has said things like "you need someone to love you like you deserve to be loved" - I don't even know how to respond to that. Is he saying that out of hope that I will find someone and then he will be off the hook? He is always saying to me that this is not about him and OW, but I find it hard to work on our marriage when I know that he would rather be with someone else.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>He doesn't feel like he loves you right now. He's infatuated with OW. Of course he would like you to get invovled elsewhere and stop focusing on him. Have you been able to do a real Plan A? Or is it time to go to Plan B? You need to get your own clarity about these things.<P>If after 18 months of counseling he's still spending money that rightfully belongs to the family in order to entertain OW in Europe, it may be time to go to Plan B and fight for what's yours and your children's. <P>So who's paying for that little trip? I'd be real surprised if it was the OW.

To all.<P>I am where most of you are now. Been married 29 years ...H started his MLC over two years ago. <BR>Yes he had an OW and lied to me about "not having anyone else for almost a year. In fact we have been seperated for over a year and not unitl June 00 did I know she still existed....Talk about wanting to give him a chance...<P>Well our divorce was on hold and who knows it still may be...<P>He called me last week and wants to come home... I've heard all the reasons...<BR>The grass isn't greener, I miss my family, I want to be married NOW, I hate my job I want to come home and even I LOVE YOU...<P>Well actions speaker louder than words and I am still waiting to see if he will put the divorce BACK on hold...(I was the one that did it before) ..<P>I KNOW he is still going thru a MLC and hope the fog is lifting...and I will help him thru this...But only if he is ready to try...<P>This little nagging voice says' Watch out it really is about the money". Now he is paying support and I'm just not sure THAT isn't the real reason...<P>We all have to go thru these steps in order to rebuild or let go...<P>How funny when <B>I </B> said this is OVER, then he wanted to Try....<P>I'm still not sure I want back on the roller coaster...yet I do have a small bit of hope that we can make it work...so I will let you know what happens...<P>Tyra

Well, just reading through all the posts here it is amazing how similar everyone's situation is.<P>I too heard the line "I hope you can find someone too that will make you happy, I really do!" Boy, isn't that the last thing you want to hear? I was waiting to see if he wanted us all to go on a double date.<P>But, seriously, I'm so sorry that you are all going through this. It really is terrible. But, I have found it does get easier with time.<P>Take care,<BR>Jen