The explanation given below is from a person named Shakezbeer. I thought it was interesting and wanted to share it with you all.<P>There are many different reasons why people have affairs... And surprisingly, many of them do not<BR> have much (if anything) to do with the spouse or the marriage.<P> Often, the person having the affair is projecting an insecurity or past hurt on the marriage by having<BR> an affair. You see, pain loves company, and everyone craves attention, empathy and understanding.<P> If one has an affair, they can "share" their pain with their spouse (indirectly), and get some attention<BR> (and/or empathy --if they're really lucky) from both their spouse and the subject of the affair.<BR> ...Especially if they feel their spouse doesn't empathize or sympathize well with them in general, or<BR> pay much attention to their feelings, needs, etc.<P> An affair can also be a wake-up call to a spouse... One's attempt at saying, "Wake up! I am not<BR> getting what I need from you!" ...In fact, people often will have affairs with the unconscious intention<BR> of getting caught... Either to get a response (and/or attention) from ther spouse, or as a spineless way<BR> to end the marriage (nothing works better, btw.). This last reason is for the ususually meek... Those<BR> who really can't bring themselves to end it on their own, and who see causing that much pain as more<BR> desirable than taking control of their lives and admitting openly that they want out of the marriage.<P> Incidentally, often times the person having the affair is completely unaware of these feelings... They<BR> can usually be uncovered in therapy, but it takes a strong person to seek a therapist. ...Someone<BR> stronger than those who have affairs for the last reason I stated.<P> An affair can also be a form of revenge, but not necessarily towards the spouse. Perhaps their parents<BR> were divorced when they were young... Having an affair can be a way of getting back at members of<BR> the sex in general of the parent that left back then... Or even at a specific parent...<P> There are more... Of course, the marital problem thing can provoke an affair... Lack of attention,<BR> empathy and/or understanding is often a cause for someone to seek attention elsewhere...<BR> Sometimes, it's the mid-life crisis thing too (i.e. someone is questioning their ability to still have fun,<BR> their self-confidence, their ability to please their spouse, etc...).<P> Then there are the UN-usual reasons, which are actually a lot more common that you might think... For<BR> example, you know the way guys just love to marry virgins? Well, there's a downside to it... At some<BR> point the woman he mmarried as a virgin will get curious about what it's like to have another man.<BR> They may or may not act on the curiosity, but rest assured they will get curious sooner or later.<P> Anyway, that's enough for this post, but just remember this: almost all affairs are due to the insecurity<BR> of the person cheating. These various insecurities (and there are many) can be caused by the person's<BR> spouse, their childhood, etc. It's never easy to figure out why someone has an affair, and there are<BR> MANY different reasons (many of them unconscious) why people do it. Everyone is different... And<BR> everyone has a "unique" story.<P><BR>

Thanks for the thought provoking post. <P>I think that what it says here may be true enough. I believe there are ususally mulitiple reasons, not just one. If there were only one reason for such a hurtful act then I don't think it would happen especially as often as it does.<P>My husband seems to fit all of the reason listed except the virgin thing. <P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Thanks for responding Samantha.

I think this is an excellent post. I do think that "insecurity" is a major underlying reason for many affairs. People who have been/are involved in an affair perhaps needing confirmation of their own self worth? When all along, we should be seeking this within ourselves, trying to address the issues within our marriages and realize that a temporary fix to a huge problem only creates a real mess.

Madelyn,<P>You hit the nail on the head.<P>Thank you for responding.

I have a question...where do emotional affairs fit into the picture?

Karmagirl,<P>First, give me your definition of an emotional affair.<P>Thank you for responding

Enough,<P>That was an excellent post! I notice that most of the betrayers on the BB are saying well if you hadn't treated your H or W so bad, they wouldn't have cheated. It almost never is about anything the spouse is or is not doing, it is about the cheater looking for happiness and fulfillment outside of themselves when it has to come from inside of them. This is why most cheaters cheat again, there are still looking for that person who will make them whole, when the only one who can make them whole is theirself. The cheaters also have a tendancy to lie about their spouse to the OP to try to make it look like they should leave this "horrible person" (Note: this would be the innocent, morally correct, non-cheating spouse). My first H lied about me to the OW and my current cheating H has lied to his married girlfriend about me as well. You will always hear the co-cheater say, "Oh he had such a bad marriage with that b****" or "He was in a reeeeaaaaallly bad situation in that marriage", like she is doing the poor guy a favor by saving him from his wife. When actually the wife was not and is not a b****, the co-cheater is the b****, and she will find this out the hard way when he begins to cheat on her.<P>Just my two-cents,<P>Long Suffering

Long Suffering,<P>You had an extremely great take on my post.<P>Thank you for responding

ENOUGH,<P>While I agree with some of the points in this post, I think in general it's pretty superficial and poorly thought out (my analytical side showing here...).<P>The opening hypothesis is<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>There are many different reasons why people have affairs... And surprisingly, many of them do not have much (if anything) to do with the spouse or the marriage.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>And then, in every instance, the examples to support that DO have to do with the spouse, and the marriage. Unmet needs. Lovebusting by the other spouse. There wasn't a single example, except for the pursuit of virgins, that you couldn't attribute marital behaviors to.<P>In most cases, it's pretty easy to figure out why a spouse has had an affair. And that affairs, for all their "uniqueness", share many common modalities. And this post doesn't address the fact that there are steps that one can take (from both the betrayed and unfaithful's point of view) to help prevent this from happening in a good marriage, and to recover from it should it have occured in a failing marriage.<P>Really, I'm not grumpy at all...

K,<P>Thank you for responding. However, I took this explanation from someone else. I would not feel right taking credit for. Your response was heartfelt.<P>Thank you.

Agreed, K. In my case friends in general were not surprised that the OM and I had affairs because they saw the state of our marriages at the time. That didn't give us a reason to cheat, but the other spouse is FAR from innocent.<P>I myself would have had NO reason to go outside my marriage to get the attention and affection I was needing IF those needs had been filled by my H. An affair was the LAST thing on my mind.<P>I'm not in any way justifying an affair ... but frankly I'm quite tired of the betrayed spouses thinking they did nothing wrong. It's attitudes like THAT that probably pushed the spouse away in the first place. That morally "holier than thou" thing isn't gonna work to get a betraying spouse back.<P>We already KNOW what we did was wrong ... we don't need in-our-face "I'd never do this to you" or "I've always been the moral one in this marriage".<P>What we NEED .... oh never mind .... I'm beating a stinkin' dead horse here and I'm sick of it.<p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited September 01, 1999).]

What you need is the betrayed and unfaithful spouses to work together in a spirit of loving cooperation and mutual respect to address all the issues of the marriage. That's easy to say, but very hard to do in the face of an affair, for either spouse.<P>And that's what I like about the fundamentals that MarriageBuilders teaches. These skills can be learned and when they're applied, miracles can happen.

Thank you.

Anytime, Sister...

K,<P>THANK YOU, THANK YOU for chiming in on this thread. You took the words right out of my mouth. It was all I could do to hold my tongue and not respond in fear of being accused of rationalizing and justifying. Hopefully your take on these "theories" will be much better received coming from you, rather than me, a lowly betrayer. <P>I will say this, though I do hate hypotheticals. But if my H and I had been able to establish and maintain open and honest communication, if we'd been able to establish and maintain emotional intimacy, if we'd have paid as much attention to each other and our marriage as we did to our children, our cars, our house, and our jobs ..... I'D HAVE NEVER HAD AN AFFAIR. Notice how I said we. We both contributed to the deterioration of our marriage.<P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.<p>[This message has been edited by new woman (edited September 01, 1999).]

That's o.k. I guess those of us who have been cheated on should just expect any and all betrayers to put the blame on us. Tell me, if you are all so great and wonderful, what did you do to try to make your marriage better before you ran off with another person??? You must not have done enough to improve yourself and your marriage, or you could not have been **driven** to cheat. Cheating is not the answer. If you are not happy in your marriage, you should take steps to improve it, or you should leave, none of this I'm cheating on you and it's all your fault crap. I for one will need a better answer than that. Why do I feel like I am talking to that loser who is fooling around with my H???<P>Long Suffering<P>

You all,<P>Please, I did not mean for this post to go this way. I thought it would be seen as we must all take an inner journey for our individual happiness, and not trying to find it in someone else. Sorry I posted this.

Long Suffering:<P>You're in a particularly bad phase on the "receiving end" of an affair. There are ways to successfully deal with what you're dealing with, and I suggest that you read the website (particularly the Q&A's) and order a copy of "Surviving an Affair".<P>There is no "excuse" or "rational justification" for an affair. And yes, it's the crummiest way to address marital problems. But it happens all the time, unfortunately. And as the betrayed, the worse thing you can do right now is to beat your breast, complain loudly about how you have been wronged, and punish your husband.<P>And no, it's not fair. But if you want your marriage back, there are productive ways to work at it. I've been down that road...

I'm so sorry, Enough. I'm frustrated. Maybe my time is up on this forum. My marriage is flouishing now .... and I do thank God for that. Without Him none of it would have been possible.<P>I've been out of line all day ... and I'm sorry.