Well the STBX and I had a face to face meeting last night , and wow this whole MLC thing is really wild. She iniated the divorce process , I moved out to allow her some breathing room ( bad mistake as there is a very very strong EA going on ) and now she tells me that she will need up to 5 years to pay me off to protect the children. She has not given one bit of thought as to the children throughout this ordeal , but now that it suits her selfish needs. The children have become a priority . Should have got legal and emotional support earlier. Don't ever move out untill you a court ordered ...... My therapist tells me that most people who push for seperation already have a outside agenda, and it's the worst thing you could ever do. <P> I'm rambling , and I'm kinda mad..

Gary,<P>I moved out also, BUT i had no claims on the house, meaning its my X's employer's house. Had I been a part owner, i would not leave.<P>However, I know a woman that moved out, left her kids because she coulndn't take it, and had an affair, and still got her kids back completely after 4 years. So it can go either way.<P>The court will look at what's best for the kids, not necessarily who stayed and who left.<P>BTW, my head doctor asked the question also, and I knew who it was, and I tried all kinds of actions to get her to admit to it, etc, but since the OM had just gone through a divorce, was counseling her what to do and what not to do.<P>But who the EA/PA is says volumes about the person having the MLC. Yes, it is foggy in there, and they are very confused. However, its partly about you, and mostly about her. My X picked a group of people who are totally opposite to me, TOTALLY! in almost every respect, and if that is what makes her really happy, our values clash so much that WE would have never made it more than 10 more years max anyway.<P>Its about your communication, your love languages, your personalities and your families' of origin values. So it gets complicated, but don't give up, start documenting her actions and your actions, etc, and you will fare better in court.<P>start acting as involved as possible, etc.<BR>show up at doctor's meetings, etc.<P>good luck, and remember, you aren't the only one! fight for your rights, and then let her find her own way!<P>WIFTT

Gary,<P>Even though you made that mistake, its not too late to at least try and protect yourself. If your not getting anywhere with your attorney, then fire him and get someone who will help you.<P>If the ex has no ability to pay up then you'll probably have to take payments. I had $35 a week for 4 years. (Big deal right!), but it was better than nothing. The bad thing was , it wasn't enough to help me NOW when I needed it and got forced into a bankruptcy when I had perfect credit for 7 years, never paid anything late.<P>Protect yourself even further, NOW before this goes more against you. As for the kids, fight for the best visitation policy you can get and I guess I don't know the whole situation.<P>Did you own the house? If you have to sell the house and she move to an apt then thats what she has to do. You probably don't want your kids to move but if your not sure about being paid in the end, let your attorney help you with this.<P>Are you going for custody of the kids?<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>

I want to do whats best for my kids , and I really would like to see my X be able to stay there. But right now I need some stability in my life also. Sad thing is that we offered her a agreement in October that would have had this whole thing over and a equittable property split but she felt as if she was owed somw sort of special treatment. Divorce hurts kids in general , and she wants to keep her standard of life at its current level. That's not going to be a option.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Gary:<BR><B>I moved out to allow her some breathing room ( bad mistake as there is a very very strong EA going on ) and now she tells me that she will need up to 5 years to pay me off to protect the children.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Moving out was not a mistake. If they don't want you near them, it only makes things worse if you impose yourself on them. <P>The request for additional time to pay you off is a sign that she is coming out of the fog; now practical matters are intruding on her consciousness. You need to be gracious, and not let anger tempt you toward demanding your pound of flesh.<P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She has not given one bit of thought as to the children throughout this ordeal, but now that it suits her selfish needs. The children have become a priority.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The former may be true, and the latter; but the middle assertion is probably wrong. It's not that it now suits her selfish needs ... it's that she's finally thinking beyond her selfish needs. Again, she is starting to emerge from the fog. Be gentle, not hateful. <P><B> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Should have got legal and emotional support earlier. Don't ever move out untill you a court ordered ...... My therapist tells me that most people who push for seperation already have a outside agenda, and it's the worst thing you could ever do.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>I think your therapist is wrong -- separation is something you *must* do if the other spouse demands it; and something you must do if the other spouse is abusing you. It's probably not the answer to a WS's affair, at least not immediately, especially if there are children involved. But when it's time to go, it's time to go. <P>The outside agenda is something the WS has to work through on their own, without your involvement (other than to do a Plan A, then a Plan B). It's irrelevant whether it's causing your spouse's desire to separate.