I sat down and tried to write a letter to my H telling him what I thought about him and us. When I started to list the things I loved about him they all had to do with the kids. I think he is a wonderful father. There are also little things like his job that I think he does well. <p>When it comes to me and the personal things I draw a blank. I don't feel like he fulfills my needs. Any of them in any order. How can I write him a letter when I can't find the feelings. I do know I want this marriage to work and I know it can but it has just occured to me that I don't have the feelings. I've become what I feared. I asked myself why I was still here and the only answer I could give myself was that if made it possible for me to be home with my kids and I enjoy sex and would not get that if I left. <p>This is why I haven't posted for awhile. I am so upset with myself for being this way. I am now really looking foreward to my trip at the end of this month. I hope the time away from him gives me a chance to see what I can't see right now.<p>Steph

Ah, Steph ... I hope you can find it, too... I wish my H would even look for it.<p>Having a bad day today... <p>terri

Terri,<p> I'm sorry you are having a bad day. You are always in my thoughts. ((((TERRI)))) <p>Steph

Steph --<p>It's the dream. Knowing what "could be". You may not be FEELING the things you want to feel right now, but you know in your heart that if you keep believing and don't give up, it will be there. Don't give up.

Steph<p>Last week I also wrote a letter to my W, pretty much along the lines as you did. We don't have kids to factor in, so that was not an option for me.<p>While things have been awful for me these past couple of months, what I did was to start at the beginning....when we first fell in love with each other. It's like Slowlearner said, "it's the dream". What I did was recount things with little details here and there, of very special times in our lives together. That helped remind ME of why we got married in the first place. It also helped me keep the "dream" in sight and in focus. <p>Keep hanging in there. It's like I told my W the other night when we had the best talk since all of this began, by hanging on and keeping on trying "what have we got to lose but a few more weeks...and if everything works out we have gained a lifetime."<p>Praying for ya!<br>

Steph,<br>You have to find that feeling again. Try to think back to the beginning when you were first dating. What you liked about him. Why you kept seeing him. Why you married him.<br>It takes time to bring all of that back. Especially when it was missing for so long.<br>((((((HUGS))))))) <p><br>

Bill,<p>I've done that. I've gone back and read my journal from when we met. I have kept a journal everyday the whole time and have re-read every word. What I have found is the man I fell in love with doesn't exist anymore. The depression has wiped him away. Can he return? He doesn't want to be that man again is what he has told me. So I guess the new question is can I learn to love the man that he is now.<p>To be fair though I am not the woman he married. I was shy and dependant. With things the way they have been I have found a self esteem and become very independant.<p>We talked last night. I felt I needed to tell him what I was feeling. He understood where I was coming from and why I felt like I did. He said that he went through the same thing but has since learned to love the new me. I have to say this is the first time he has said that he loves me in years. He asked for me to give him a chance and to give me a chance to learn to love the new him. It's always something new isn't it? I feel good though about the talk and actually feel less pressure to feel the feelings which has made some feelings come to the surface.<p>Today is a new day and the sun is shining. <p>Thank you all for your prayers. <p>Steph

Steph,<br>It sounds like you are getting a new chance at your relationship with your husband. It sounds like he wants to devote the time and effort into you. Keep trying.

Steph, it IS hard to stay in love with a man who is not the same man whom you married. This is precisely where I find myself, and I, too, keep looking back for all of the reasons that I loved him. I really can't remember any, except for things that fit in with my expectations for a 'good husband'. (Like someone to take care of me) I can't find any of the things that just plain made me feel good about him.<p>He says that I am pushing him away, and that he will no longer be able to love me if I do not love him back. I am trying to find those feelings, but they are so hard......

Bill,<p>Thank you. I hope things get better soon.<p>Maria,<p>For me it wasn't a matter of remembering the old things but finding new things. Erasing what I thought he was or wanted him to be and seeing him for what he is now. What I am seeing so far (and it's only been one day) is not really as bad as I thought. Clear your mind and give him a chance. Stop having expectations and demands on yourself. Enjoy him for a time and see what and who he really is. Good Luck Maria. <p>Steph

To all who are with spouses that just don't seem lovable anymore: you are seeing your spouse the way he/she see themselves. They feel down because the person they care most about, and built their life around, has just told them (or treated them as if) they are not too appealing. How would you feel? being down and out is always unattractive...but ask yourself what effect you are having on that person's self image. If they were having a hard time at work, did you make sure to call them hot stuff when they got home? Marriage is about building each other up on a daily basis. Here's a great quote from Ursula LeGuin:<br>"Love is like bread. It has to made new every day."<br>It is a well known fact that boredom is not caused by external things in life. Life is everything and has everything. If you are bored, it is because you have a spiritual problem and are not seeing the things and people around you clearly. Maybe you are not looking the right way.<br>I'm reading alot of things in these chat rooms like, "I just don't have those feelings anymore...there's no excitement...we're just good friends." Are you really being a good friend? Would you say those unkind words to your best friend and still expect them to be there? I wouldn't. I always try to make my friends feel good so that they will stay happy and wonderful and still seek out my company. Living with someone who thinks you are a bore or an annoyance is devastating to a person's self esteem. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? It takes away all the spark of your personality and makes you glum. In short, it is dehumanizing.<br>Try smiling at your spouse and sincerely finding one or two really nice compliments for them during the day. You might see some improvements after a week or two. Better yet, stop scrutinizing your spouse and start scrutinizing yourself. Isn't there any room for improvement? Why would anyone want to spend their ENTIRE LIFE with you? Are you perfect? Probably not. Perhaps it is because of LOVE, which is something we DO, and something we make a choice to do. Perhaps they are particularly good at doing it, even gifted with their ability to always see the good in you. Whereas you have lost your touch a little bit. Maybe you'd better do something to make up for lost time before this wonderful, intelligent person who chose YOU gives up and gets swept away by someone who appreciates them.<br>You'd be surprised the changes that can happen in a person after they begin to feel appreciated. They look better. They start going for it in life. They get sexier by the day. Try it sometime.

Kitty, I love what you've written above - I feel that is part of what Plan A is intended to do (the plan for trying to get your spouse back when he/she is still involved in an affair - described in detail in posts in Infidelity and the book "Surviving an Affair".<p>I am looking back over the last five years or so of my marriage and realizing that this situation is the responsibility of both my H and I. He, however, has regressed, while I am now finally going from stop to forward. He has indicated some interest in taking a class or two at the college where I work - he's only 15 credits away from a degree (he didn't graduate from high school) and that is only one full time semester. I wish I thought he'd agree to come home - I'd financially support him for an entire semester if he would go and complete his degree (and give up the OW).<p>It's discouraging to think back over these years and see that we both dragged each other down - first me then him ... How could he see me as anything but an emotional leech when that's exactly what I've been for the last few years? We had such potential for success together and I still see that we do ... I wish I could convince him.<p>Kitty, you have some remarkable insights ... thank you for posting them.<p>terri

I've done a lot of what Kitty recommends, and improving yourself and being positive and complimentary to your spouse does help the relationship. On the other hand, with the changes I made in myself (exercise, prayer, increased generousity, giving up being the controller) my husband sees that the problem with our marriage is is mainly his unwillingness to both seek help and change. He feels the burden more keenly as I exhibit continuing willingness to change and grow<p>He has told me he doesn't think he'll ever be the man he was. I told him I have loved him straight through his depression. That I love him and want him healthy and to take care of today, not to agonize over "forever" & "never".<p>Today he finally is seeing the doctor--after promising for 2 weeks--and hopefully will receive the anit-depressant he needs, but I doubt that is all it will take.<p>I've had a lousy week and haven't been able to avoid tears when with him. He's leaving town for the weekend for work and I don't even feel like someone he would think of and want to come home to. He's going to call to tell me how the appt. went, so I've got one phone call to leave a positive image in his mind. Gee, I'm not putting any pressure on myself am I? I've seen that most people in this forum are struggling terribly and I'm so glad to come here and vent with people who know the same/similar pain.

Lor:<p>I hate to be cliche, but I feel your pain. Speaking for myself in a similar situation, I can say that this is undoubtedly the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. <p>To be positive and hopeful, to grow strong, and to care about yourself when you feel like you have absolutely nothing to give is tremendously hard. I find myself wanting to break down nearly every moment.<p>But, I always find that I can get through each moment, and I can make each moment count toward my goal, if I keep my focus sharp and my scope small.<p>My wife, fortunately, has agreed that counseling may help us through this, so I have that hope too.<p>Good luck to you! My prayers are with you.<p>-Tom

Lor, just make sure that your H understands that meds take time to make depression lift. Some people feel relief immediately (I wonder if this is mind over matter - they've finally made the decision that they want to feel better), others between 4-8 weeks after beginning them. Still others may have to try a couple of different meds before they find one that helps and has minimal side effects.<p>That said - if his experience is in any way similar to mine, he could feel so much better once the meds kick in. The difference is incredible!<p>terri

Kitty,<p>Wow! You had some really great things to say in your post, and I think that they could be enormously helpful. I honestly agree with everything that you said -- one of my fears is that he will decide 'well why should i want her if she doesn't wnat me' and just walk away.<p>But the thing that scares me the most about that is not the thought of losing him, but the thought of losing my lifestyle and his goodwill. <p>My two best friends too (who now know about our problmes) took me out for pizza the other night. When I expressed my worry about my H and what he would do socially if we were to separate, they both said that my H is basically a man whom it is hard to get close to or feel friendly with. This is how I feel about him too. So sometimes I just don't want to make any special efforts because I really don't even like him.<p>I am not even struggling with the love thing so much anymore; I just want the like thing back!<p>Maria<br>

Thanks Tom & Terri,<br>The phone call went well, I was upbeat, supportive & cheered his decision to fill the prescription ( he still didn't want to take the first pill). I went out with friends for supper. Today I've let both daughters invite friends to stay over night and I'm taking a break from thinking "relationship". My H has always traveled a lot and I'm just thinking of this as his being gone, not that he is gone AND we're separated. One short-term denial coming up. (I spent nearly all of Aug. in denial, I don't want to live there again.)

Maria-- I didn't mean to imply that it is one person alone who has to save a marriage. Of course both people must take responsibility. If my marriage was perfect, I wouldn't be in this forum! But I do feel really good about all the positive changes I've been able to make on my own part. And I can see improvements...my husband is responding to it and things are getting better. <br>It sounds like your H may be depressed? Have you ever asked him if he feels that way? It is really hard to snap out of a depression. I think it's important to let him know that you have faith in him as a human being and you're always in his corner.<br>Do you really think you married him so that he would take care of you? If that was a big factor, maybe the job for you is to try to discover parts of him you've never known. Think about it as if he were a new boyfriend whom you didn't know very well. How would you try to break the ice and get a peek inside that person's world? Does he have any interests that you've never been too involved with? If so, maybe take an interest in finding out about them and sharing part of his world. I think all that stuff is true about the husband & wife needing to spend recreational time together so that they don't grow apart. It's possible for you to fall in love again.<br>