Hi,<P>I am just thinking ahead to some of the consequences of being divorced (which I am not yet), and the topic du jour is in-laws...<P>Specifically, they all live out of state, so they have little insight into our marital issues, and into how the whole thing disintegrated.<P>I have some reasons to suspect that at this point I am being portrayed to them as the "bad guy". In principle, I shouldn't care, but in reality, I do (call me "undifferentiated", if you will).<P>So I'm trying to find a way (if there is one) to at least tell them (probably by letter) that I regret that the marriage fell apart, that we both made mistakes, that I did all I could think of doing, and that in the end it was not meant to be and I still want to have them be part of my life. (I won't bring up the fact that their "little girl" was the one who wanted the divorce, had the affair, and did nothing to try to work on our marriage...).<P>Has anyone done this, and is it a smart or a stupid thing to do?<P>Thanks,<P>AGG

I have made continual efforts to keep close to my inlaws with little success. It is like I have been blacklisted from the entire family. BUT, that does not stop me from trying. Off and on I will write my MIL a little note or card just to let her know I am thinking about them.<P>You may not get the results you are looking for, but that should not stop you from trying.<P>Mike

AGG,<BR>Well, if you write that letter, will you send me a copy? My H is leaving in January to be with the OW. His family hasn't got a clue (although we see them frequently) that we are about to unload this bombshell on them. My in-laws and I are very close and since I have very few blood relatives, they've always been my *family*. I can't imagine not spending the holidays with them, not having them visit or go to visit them. But I do know that they will stick by my H. Years ago, my SIL divorced a great guy - a guy the family loved as their own son. But as soon as there was a problem, they immediately sided with my SIL and couldn't see the other side to save their lives. I'm afraid this will happen to me. But I will continue to make every effort to keep in touch with them. I do love them! Bye the way - your in-laws "little girl" sounds remarkably like my in-laws "special boy" - he too had the affair, wants the divorce and hasn't done anything to work on the marriage.<BR>Good luck to you.

I think I should add that I was never close to my in-laws, primarily because of geographical issues. So it's not like I can just casually work this into a conversation... I think that without me actively initiating some contact with them, I may never talk to them again...<P>AGG

AGG,<P>I am recently divorced and have been able to maintain a very respectable relationship with my in-laws and the remainder of my XW's entire family. I was very close with her family and couldn't stand to lose all of them just because our marriage failed.<P>At the start of our divorce, I feel that I crossed a few family boundaries since her family belongs to her first, but their opinions and respect toward me meant a great deal so I was willing to cross those lines. I think each situation is a little different, but do what is in your heart and if you want to maintain a relationship with them, there is no harm in trying. Just be careful to try and stay neutral with them. You don't want to end up with some type of triangulation issue with the in-laws in the middle of the whole thing.<BR>

AGG,<BR>You are probably wasting your time. Blood is thicker than water, plus your w will accuse you of trying to "recruit" her family against her. This would be considered a major lovebuster.<P>My inlaws were at our house on discovery day and x told them the next day. While they have been supportive of me, they are slowly drawing away. They last I have heard from them was on my s's birthday, 12/5. The kids got Christmas cards about a week before I got one even though it said for a favorite SIL. It seemed like an after thought to me. <P>I have to admit I haven't done all that much to keep communication open either. I did send them the kids pictures for Christmas.

Hi AGG,<P>Wow, the more I read your posts, the more alike we seem to be!<P>I have maintained a good relationship with my in-laws throughout this entire affair (no pun intended ). We don't discuss the issue much, but on those occasions that it has come up, they have always seemed very disappointed in their daughter's behavior. I ensure that my son calls and speaks to them when I have him, and we exchanged small Christmas presents this year. I hope the relationship will continue, but I suspect over time it will slowly fade away. That would be a shame, because I truly care for them very much, but I'm sure my STBX & her boyscout will find a way to ruin that part of my life as well. (vent, vent)<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

AGG,<P>Keep your expectations low. Most parents can't "like" multiple SIL's for the same offspring. Just keep your expectations low.<P>The first time since the separation i saw my father in law, i was pleasant, he made small talk with me, and then hid behind the kitchen door. Of cource that was a HUGE LB to the X, and she called me up in front of him the next day, and started a fight with me on the phone, to prove to him that I was playing with her mind, very difficult to get along with, etc. It goes back to the lies and the setup to make you the excuse for the reason.<P>IMO, keep your expectations low, and don't be pushy, be natural.<P>My mom and my X have the same name (no comments please!) and they work at the same place (no more comments please!), but they keep their distance, and the X acts pretty weird about that. So it could be worse, actually I like your situation better, although until all this happened, my X said said liked my parents alot. then she didn't like them, i'm just like my dad, etc.<P>good luck,<P>although i would spend alot more time healing and learning the new life.<P>tom

,<p>[This message has been edited by Trapped Mom (edited March 25, 2001).]

AGG,<BR>My situation is kind of on the other side of the fence. Although H and I are together..when things were bad and divorce seemed inevitable, I saw a change in my FIL. <BR>I always had the feeling that he didn't care for me. Maybe I was too outspoken, maybe I spoke my mind too often, or maybe it was the way I perceived his feelings. When he knew that we were going the dissolution route (H had to borrow the $) FIL asked my H are you sure you know what you are doing son???? <P>My FIL really does care about me and was sad the road our marriage was taking.......<P>I agree with the others to keep your expectations low, but they might surprise you...<P>Keep your chin up!!<P>Jenn<BR>

I am VERY lucky...<BR>My in laws and I are very close, and have remained that way through all of this, and I have been divorced almost a year now. <BR>My mom passed awayright after we got married, and my mother in law and I are very close. She is on my side, but I never bad mouth my x to her, it is almost like a closed subject. My choice. I know she loves him, but doesn't like what he did. <P><BR>I am now datig a great man, and my inlaws have met him. They invited him and I and the kids up to their vacation home this summer. I am not sure how my x would feel, but if the inlaws are ok with it, then I would be honored!!<P>------------------<BR>Susan

The in-law situation is a very sensitive one for me. I thought I was pretty close to my mother-in-law, but after my wife left me (and moved in with her mother), my phone calls went unanswered (CallerID in action). About six weeks after my wife left me, when I thought my wife had gone out of town for a while, I thought I'd give it another try, but once again there was no answer. However, about fifteen minutes later, one of my wife's brothers called to ask me not to call his mother's house any more.<P>My brothers-in-law seem willing to talk to me, but they are very wary. They don't have much to say other than everybody's doing fine, too bad it didn't work out, don't you think you should get on with your life, and if you really don't want to fight, why don't you tell your lawyer?<P>I am honestly not sure which hurts me more: my wife's abandonment of me, or my in-laws' reactions. I believe I have come to understand ther reasons for my wife's actions and attitudes, and it is relatively easy for me to have empathy for her situation. But I would have thought that my mother-in-law would have had more objectivity, and to be treated as a pariah by her is hard for me to come to grips with. I try to tell myself that she is not in good health and probably just can't risk the stress of feeling caught in the middle.<P>Nevertheless, I have sent books to my mother-in-law, along with a lengthy letter trying to assure her of my love and explain what I believe is happening to her daughter, and I have sent letters to my brothers-in-law as well. My wife really needs help, and since she has cut herself off from all our mutual friends and supporters (i.e. anyone who might actually know enough to question her actions or statements), I really think the encouragement of her family is the only hope my wife has of getting the help she needs. Unfortunately, the family has a history of dysfunctional enabling, so I can't expect anything to come of it, but I felt I had to try.<P>It's a difficult tightrope to walk. On the one hand, I don't want to risk antagonizing my in-laws, but even with the minimal contact I've had with my wife's brothers it has become clear that my wife has been giving them a rather distorted picture of the situation. For my wife's sake, and for mine, I believe I need to try to counteract that. Even if there is nothing my wife's family can do for her now, it is important for them to be prepared to help her in the event she finds she can no longer sustain her delusions and denial.<BR>

<B>AGoodGuy</B> - So, this is where you have been hiding. I don't have anything to offer on the topic here, sorry. Just wanted to say "hi" & ask if this BB has been more helpful to you than the other<P>(I hope this is the same guy that sees ES occasionally. BTW I have not had an appointment since Sept b/c I'm forgetful & stuff.)<P>NYB