My husband came home from a business trip in November, and out of the blue, left, that very same day. I had no clue it was coming. I didn't think we had the perfect marriage, but honestly I thought it was pretty good, in fact, really good in comparison to others we know. He simply said that I paid more attention to our daughter and to all the day to day details of life, housework, laundry, etc. and didn't have enough left for him at the end of the day. He says that he's been unhappy for a couple of years, but I didn't see it, his family didn't, my family didn't, and our friends didn't. Absolutely no one knew. I begged him to go to counseling, promised to change, tried everything to get him to come home, but he coldly just says "I don't love you anymore." He already filed for divorce in mid December, so I guess there's nothing else left to do but wait till it's final. But I'm so heartbroken myself, and even more so when I think of our 3 year old daughter. How does everybody get through the day?

Sounds like there is someone else waiting in the wings for him...<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited December 29, 2000).]

MacKenzie,<P>So, so sorry to hear about your situation. Many of us, including myself, have been there. So many questions running through your head: "what did I do wrong?" "didn't I notice the signs?" and on and on...<P>This is the hardest time for you right now. While I don't have any easy fix to give you, know that it does get better - slowly, but surely. ALL that you are feeling is PERFECTLY normal. Any questions you have, please ask them here - we'll all be sure to answer.<P>How do we get through the day?<P>Sometimes minute by minute.<P>If you have God in your life, now is the time to lean on Him. The good news is that you can never be sure how someone is going to act in the future, so don't just totally discount your marriage and give up. Your story sounds like an exact chapter out of a book called "Tough Love" written by Dobson. You may want to pick it up - right now. While I didn't agree with everything in it, it was worth the read and it did help.<P>My prayers are with you.<P>God Bless and keep,<BR>Mike

(((((((((((((((MacKenzie))))))))))))))) <- that is a MB cyber hug....<P>First of all, I want you to know that I am so sorry that you are here! I don't really think that a lot of us ever thought that we would be in this kind of a position when we first ventured into marriage.<P>How does everybody get through the day??? I personally hold close to my family and friends. I will state that you will never meet a better class of people than those on this website! They are always here for you when you need them and they always have an open ear and a warm heart to you. My son helps me more often than not on getting through the rough spots in the day. I will say that it does get easier, but it will also get a lot harder. Just make sure that you always know and carry with you that there are people out there who do truly care about you!<P>Read as much as you can here. A lot of it will help! I am sure that Jim will come along and post some very helpful links.... (NSR---- that is a hint for you to come along right about now....)<P>Take care of yourself and your daughter!!! Make sure that you do what you need to do for the two of you!<P>~Java

The spouses of several people on these boards have begun affairs while on business trips. My H changed completely while on a business trip, and his affair was only over the phone at the time. When he left a few months later, he didn't even bother to claim that he'd been unhappy for a long time - he said he had been feeling like that for weeks, maybe months - apparently I was expected to agree that it makes perfect sense to give up a 19 year marriage based on feelings of that duration. <P>I get through the day by going through the motions - have been for almost 2 years now. I can function adequately, but underneath is always a pervasive knowledge that nothing is real.

MacKenzie,<P>Welcome to the MB board. Sorry to hear you had to find your way here.<P>My ex walked out on xmas day and much like you, I had no idea it was coming. I also felt the same way about my marriage. I wasn't saying it was perfect, but it wasn't the worst one either.<P>Within days, I discovered the real underlying reason, was an affair, another woman he left me for.<P>Be strong, read as much as you can here, and do what you can to protect yourself and child thru this divorce.<P>Good luck,<BR>Dana<BR>

Thank you all for your replies. I also most of the time feel their is someone else for a few reasons. First, he went on this business trip with a female co-worker (also married with a young child), second of all, I had no idea this was coming, he hadn't expressed any unhappiness or that he was thinking of ending the marriage prior to his leaving, thirdly, he left his first wife in the exact same way, there one day, gone the next, and we were dating shortly thereafter (we were not having an affair prior to this), and last of all, he didn't just leave suddenly, he filed for divorce so quickly also. His reasons were that he had a lot of time to think while on his trip and he realized he couldn't face our anniversary a week later not being in love with me anymore. But only a month prior to this, he had been planning a surprise anniversary trip for us, weird huh. Also we had been looking at houses to buy, talking some about another child, and had gone looking at pets just a week before. In fact, even the two days between his coming home from the trip, and him leaving, he called me at work during the day so see how my day was going and said he loved me. So I really had no idea this was coming. When I asked him, he said he was simply going through the motions for the family. Now whenever we talk, he blames me, lies to me, yells at me, so I think he's feeling guilty about something, whether it's another woman, or just for leaving his family. I guess since he's done this twice now, he will do it to her too, and I am better off without him. But I really did think we had a great life together and with our daughter. Thanks again for all your advice, I will buy the book Tough Love today and add it to my growing library of divorce books.<P>

Hi MacKenzie,<P>I'm sorry that you have to be in here. I got one of those shots out of nowhere too.<P>Getting through the day can be tough. I turn to friends whenever I can and come on here to vent and ask for advice. There is a lot of very good information here.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Welcome <B>MacKenzie</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>I'd have to agree...<BR>...the odds are very likely that there is an <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000557.html" TARGET=_blank>OW</A> in the picture...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>You may also want to check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000554.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A>... and check out some of the <B>inspirational</B> posts... <P> <P>Jim

I would love to try Plan A, however, the couple of times I have asked if there is someone else, he is adamant that their isn't. He says things like, Why can't you just accept the fact that I don't love you anymore and I've been unhappy for a long time. He says that after our baby was born, I paid more attention to her, work and housework then him, and he got tired of being married and alone, so he's decided to just be alone. So sometimes I think that he's telling the truth and thats really the reason, but other times I think, how could I not know he was unhappy for two years, and why didn't I have any warning prior to the trip. Also, his mother and our friends, the minute they found out the first thing they said was "Is there someone else?" And also the lying to me, it seems you only lie because you have something to hide, but the lies don't have anything to do with where he's been or anything, it's silly little things like saying he mailed the child support and didn't, or saying he bought something for our child and didn't. So that confuses me too. Also, he told me to give him his space and not to call him or e-mail him, so basically, I don't, I let him call my house to talk to our daughter, but I leave him alone. So anyways, kind of hard to implement a strategy when you don't talk other than to do with our daughter. I'm tough, I can make it through this and be a great mother and maintain a household. I have a good job and a great support group of friends and family, mostly right now I'm just searching for answers for why he did this out of the blue, and why the lying, etc. I guess people do things totally out of character when going through this, but I never expected that out of him. Oh, one other thing, after he filed for divorce, I filed a parenting plan and seperation agreement, and he agreed to all terms of it, child support, custody arrangements, etc. Which made me think he must be feeling guilt about something to agree to everything so easily. It's all so confusing when you think you know someone so well, then they act totally out of character.

MacKenzie,<P>From what you describe, your X, has some form of mentail illness. The complete change in character, and the repeat performance, is significant. Although generally not recommended here, I would suggest that he will NEVER change, and that he is scared of committment and intimacy. <P>I would bet that you would be wasting your time with Plan A, since he clicks on and then off, for no apparent reason. I would divorce him.<P>sorry to be honest and blunt, but he doesn't sound stable enough for a good father.<P>WIFTTy

MacKenzie:<P>I'm so sorry that you are going through this! The way you described your situation was so close to mine, you have me in tears. It is devastating and I really feel for you. When my x said he wanted to leave me, I was totally blindsighted. Just a month before, he said he never even wanted to hear the word divorce and we had bought our dream house only 6 months before. He said he was leaving because we didn't get along and he didn't think he loved me anymore and eventually admitted to an attraction to a young girl in his office. It was awful. I felt so powerless. But, believe me, it does get easier over time. Just take it minute by minute and get lots of support from your friends and from people at this site. I spent many nights on this site just getting support from others. I hope you find this site helpful as well. <P>My thoughts and prayers are with you.<P>Jennifer

Thank you all again for listening, and the advice, that's what seems to help most right now. I think you may be right about the mental illness. One Sat. he spent the day calling and lying to me, then calling back to apologize, then hanging up on me, then calling back to apologize. Honestly, when he was acting that way it made it a lot easier to just move on. Then that night when he brought my daughter home, he informed me he was being treated for Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I have done some research on it, and emotional detachment and relationship troubles are a symptom among many others that he has, so I do believe that he does have this problem. But how could he be a loving husband for so long, the boom, gone, and now get treatment? It seems like the symptoms would have always been there, shouldn't he have gotten treatment while we were still a family. I am moving on, because from what I understand, people who develop this many years after the trauma usually have this affliction for a lifetime, so I'm afraid that even if we reconciled (which I'm sure isn't going to happen), then what's to stop him from doing this again 10 years from now. My daughter and I can't go through this all over again. But I still remember how loving he used to be, and that makes it hard. I feel like I will never trust someone again, cause I totally loved and trusted him, and he totally ripped apart my family in just a few short hours. All our dreams, buying a house, more children, family vacations, etc., all down the tubes now. Lately the hardest part has been watching my poor daughter being torn in 1/2 during the holidays, wanting to spend Christmas with both her parents, but having to split her time with them. I feel so bad for her suffering, she doesn't deserve any of this.

MacKenzie:<P>Hang in there! I too thought I could never trust again. I don't think I will ever trust at 100% again but I think there are people out there you can trust. I felt the exact same way when he left. How will I ever trust someone again? How someone can just wake up one morning and wipe out someone else's dreams in a second. And, you have no control over the situation. And when you have kids involved, that makes it even worse. They are such innocent victims. I have two girls, 3 and 6. But, they are doing pretty well now and he has stayed very involved in their lives which makes me so thankful. I hope that your husband does the same.<P>I posted a question earlier this year asking if there were any good men left in this world. I received quite a few posts from men on this site that made me realize there were. But, I still am very gun shy right now and probably will be for quite some time. <P>Take care,<P>Jennifer

WOW! Sounds like a story from my life. Except after my wife decided that she was not in love or happy anymore she took to destroying my life. I did find that there is another man. I'm sorry that you are going through this. There are good men left in this world and I hope you will find one someday. These will be hard months that you have ahead. Keep posting I know it has helped me a lot. And spend as much time with your child as you can. I have 2 little boys (4yrs and 20mos)my wife is not concerned about. She says that she loves them and she is trying to get custody of them. This year when things finally got started she was partying with her friends and never coming home. My kids are torn. I hate the way that this is making them feel. I am too the point that I just can't wait for it to be over. My prayers are with you.

Here's the latest, he went home to visit him family for Christmas and took our daughter with him. The whole week while he was gone, he was nicer than he's been since this all happened. Each night I talked to my daughter on the phone, then he would get on the phone and we would chat just like we used to like when we were still together. I kept wondering why, I kind of figured it was a show for his parents, to show them what a good guy he is. Then last night I picked up my daughter at the airport, and he was back to the usual stone cold guy. Couldn't even look me in the eye. I need everybodies opinions, but it seems to me more than ever now that there's another women, cause he can talk to me on the phone, but in person, he can't look me in the eye, like he's feeling guilty about something. Also, he grew a goatee, and he never had any facial hair the 6 years we were together. Suppose he's trying to impress someone??

Hey MacKenzie:<P>I hate to say this but I do think he is seeing someone else. I also think he does feel very guilty and does still want to be a "good guy" in all the other ways and remain "friends" with you. <P>As you know, what has happened to you, happened to me earlier this year. Here is how my story turned out if you are interested. If not, I guess I will just ramble on for my own benefit. But, I hope it helps you in someway. He left me so he could pursue happiness with someone else. He told me he wanted me to find the same happiness with someone else too! That was the last thing I wanted to hear from him at the time. Now, I hope I will find happiness with myself first and then with someone else eventually.<P>Here is my story: <P>We separated in Feb and were divorced in May. It happended very quickly. In the beginning, I begged and pleaded for him to stay and work on the relationship for everyone's sake, especially the kids. He would have nothing to do with that and was very cold. I finally gave up and pursued the divorce upon the recommendations of friends, therapist and family, to get what I needed for the kids and me while he felt so guilty about what he was doing. He agreed to give me everything I needed and never got an attorney. He allowed my attorney to handle everything. I'm glad that I took advantage of the situation early in the game. I think if I had waited, I may not have gotten the settlement that I needed. <P>We now have an amicable relationship. When he calls to talk to the kids, he always wants to talk to me a little bit to see if I am ok and see if I need his help with anything around the house (I have a new house now which is all mine). I have taken him up on his offers now and then. For example, he asked if he could put up my Christmas lights. I said ok and the kids enjoyed doing that with him. He also said he would take care of my yard for free. I said why not. Why pay someone else if he wants to do it. <P>This will probably come to an end eventually but it works for both of us now. I watch the divorce show "Once and Again" and related to the episode where the couple is divorced but still act married in all the ways except living together. So, this is probably not the best thing to be doing now but it works for us.<P>I like that we have remained friends. I started dating him 18 years ago and was married to him for 13 years. It is hard to turn away from all of that even though he left me for someone else. I'm glad we have the relationship that we have now and are not two bitter people who hate each other. We have the kids and I think it is important to remain friendly. My only concern is that the kids not get the wrong idea about our relationship and think there is a chance we might get back together. I sometimes think it might not be so bad to reconcile if he ever wanted that, but everyone in my family thinks that would be a major mistake and that I'm much better without him. We fought the entire time that I knew him but somehow managed to stay together for 18 years. Nobody could believe we stayed together so long. But, we both believed (until this year), that marriage was forever.<P>I'm sorry to go on and on about my situation but I feel your story is so much like mine and just thought you should know how my situation turned out. Of course, everyone's situation is different. I hope that everything works out for you in the long run.<P>Take care,<P>Jennifer <P>We are actually are friends now. And, I have found that is is not so bad. I wish we could have worked it out through counseling, church, etc. but he couldn't do that anymore. We tried for two years and couldn't make it work. So, now I have an x that does pay me my child support, has never missed a day with the kids, and helps me out whene I need him doesn't want the relationshiup wno longer wanted to be married to me but he still wanted the responsibilities of the family. , taking care of me and the kids financially, maintaining the house, the marriage but still wanted the other aspectscare of you <P>My x did the same thing. He really wanted to remain good friends with me. He actually said to me when he first left that he wanted me to be happy and to find someone else that will make me happy. He wants to a "good guy". He thought leaving me was the "right thing to do because we were so unhappy and we both deserved better". I'm actually happier now without him but it has taken me a long time to get to this place.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by MacKenzie:<BR><B>Here's the latest, .... he would get on the phone and we would chat just like we used to like when we were still together. I kept wondering why ... last night I picked up my daughter at the airport, and he was back to the usual stone cold guy. Couldn't even look me in the eye. I need everybodies opinions, but it seems to me more than ever now that there's another women, cause he can talk to me on the phone, but in person, he can't look me in the eye, like he's feeling guilty about something.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not looking you in the eye can be related to psychological situations other than guilt. I would not assume that there is necessarily another woman in the picture yet. If talking on the phone works, by all means continue doing it and minimize the personal appearances. Just talk. Don't push for things (but if you see an opportunity to ask for something relatively easy to do that would be a first step toward reconciling, use your judgment). Don't probe for things (but again, if something seems to want to come out, you might jiggle it a little). You fell in love by talking; and out of love by not. Plan A him. Until it feels like he's using you. Then go to Plan B. Since the timing of his last marital breakup indicates he does leave without someone in the wings, you need to sow as many doubts about his decision as possible before he finds a new friend.<P>You'll see that "Sudden Endings" book mentioned on this board, as well as an article on Spousal Abandonment that's on the net (mention sudden endings to Metacrawler.com and you'll find it). Learn what may be in his head. <BR>