I have been married for over 20 years to a man with manic-depression. This has resulted in a great amount of hurt and pain (physically , mentally and emotionally.) I think my biggest problem is with the emotions. I don' feel that I can trust him. We constantly come to a crisis and he says things will change, but they never do. My husband takes medication for his manic depression, but still uses his "illness" as a crutch for all the problems we have. It is his opinion that I should forgive and forget whatever he has done or will do. Without going into great detail about the problems in our marriage, I'll just say that there has been abuse, infidelity, financial crisis, controlling issues, lies, and the lists goes on. I'm at the point where all I want to do is walk away. I am at a dead end, he refuses to go to counseling because he sees himself as normal, and I am the one with the problems. I have gone to counseling many times over the years and have recieved conflicting advice. Does anyone have any advice to offer?

sissie,<BR><p>[This message has been edited by slowlerner (edited February 16, 2000).]

Sissie,<p>Your going to get alot of advice that conflicts. Some say hang in there and give it your all. Calling this Plan A. Some say to leave and start your own life and move onward and foreward. Calling this Plan B. Some will say you've done enough and some will say you could do more. You need to sit down with yourself and ask yourself some simple questions. Do I love him? Do I want to do what it will take to make this work? How far am I willing to go before enough is enough?<p>In my honest opinion, your H needs to take responsibilty for his actions. He seems to still be blaming the depression which is not a good sign. My H is just getting over his depression and just now able to admit to his wrong doings. You need to stand up for yourself and take care of yourself. I wish I could be of more help and maybe on another day I can. Ask yourself the questions and see what you come up with. <p>Steph

to anyone having to deal with a spouse suffering from depression and/or other "mental disorders" --<p>I just found a book today titled "Toxic Psychiatry", by Peter Breggin, M.D. The subtitle is: "Why therapy, empathy, and love must replace the drugs, electroshock, and biochemical theories of the 'New Psychiatry'". It presents a very interesting, common sense approach to understanding and treating these problems, in my opinion.<p>Sissie --<p>There's quite a bit in the book about bipolar disorder. Here's a few paragraphs that pretty much sums up things the way I've seen it with my own wife:<p>"...people who can become manic almost invariably have a tendency to avoid the work of learning about themselves and their self-defeating patterns, even at their most rational moments between their bouts of elation or depression. If they've been hospitalized or thrown into jail in the past, they typically try to deny that their own conduct got them into trouble. They rarely think that they are in danger of getting out of control again. In retrospect they think others have exaggerated their manic state and are too worried about future outbursts. They don't have any problems; everything is fine in their lives. In other words, they have a 'manic life-style'. Their episodes of mania are but very gross exaggerations of their basic approach to living." <p>"Anyone willing to escape from guilt or humiliation into wild euphoria must have a general penchant for escaping from most serious problems rather than confronting them. It's therefore not surprising that such a person is likely to display a tendency to avoid, escape, or deny difficult personal issues or conflicts on a routine basis."<p>"Watching people plunge hell-bent into disastrous activities, we feel compelled to enforce what we perceived to be common sense and reality upon the rebellious individual. Nothing strains the ethics of freedom as much as dealing with such persons in one's own family; they can wreak havoc so quickly on everything from the family reputation to its finances."<p>What I like about this book is it shifts responsibility back to the individual. It's too easy to just say "it's genetic" as an excuse for everything that goes wrong in life. Especially when we (their loved ones) have to live with the consequences of their actions.

My husband was diagnosed bi-polar a year and a half ago. I have seen symptoms for years but just didn't have a label for it. I came to this board recently because I discovered his five year affair with an old girlfriend. Regardless of the illness. Regardless of the affair or the fact the he goes on buying sprees. Regardless of his workaholism or any of the other manifestations of the disorder, I have chosen to stay with him and work on making our marriage work. We both know it will be hard and certainly the disorder is one of the biggest obstacles we have to face. <br>I've been in counseling more than him over the last few years. Bi-polar is really tough to deal with and yes, at times I think it would be easier to just walk out but loving him keeps me here. <br>Everyone has their breaking point. I may reach mine one day. Only you can decide if it's worth it. You're not alone.

My husband was diagnosed bi-polar a year and a half ago. I have seen symptoms for years but just didn't have a label for it. I came to this board recently because I discovered his five year affair with an old girlfriend. Regardless of the illness. Regardless of the affair or the fact the he goes on buying sprees. Regardless of his workaholism or any of the other manifestations of the disorder, I have chosen to stay with him and work on making our marriage work. We both know it will be hard and certainly the disorder is one of the biggest obstacles we have to face. <br>I've been in counseling more than him over the last few years. Bi-polar is really tough to deal with and yes, at times I think it would be easier to just walk out but loving him keeps me here. <br>Everyone has their breaking point. I may reach mine one day. Only you can decide if it's worth it. You're not alone.