I know that sounds silly, but I think that this affair is about sex and has always been about sex. While my H had never asked me to try anything new, I believe that he looked elsewhere to have his sexual fantasies fulfilled. I am not averse to trying new things - but I have had only two lovers in my entire life, and one of them was just as much a virgin as I was when we first had sex, and then there was my H. I never had a problem with oral sex until I injured my jaw and it became painful for any length of time. That put a damper on our sex life, I think, as it was one of the things my H really enjoyed with me. He was always trying to encourage me to be more verbal and vocal during sex, but I was inhibited about that. Other than that, he never asked me to do anything different. I had even asked him about fantasies a few times, and, unless he was too afraid that I would think he was disgusting and didn't want to share them with me, he never seemed interested in sharing them.<p>I know I mentioned reading books - I am afraid that would be very frustrating if I have no "practice partner" ... does anyone have any books to recommend? I am not exactly innocent, but I have really only experienced pretty "standard" stuff in the bedroom ... no toys or props - again, not that I'd be averse to them, but I don't really even know how to obtain them, or even what some of the stuff is! I've done some Internet exploration and found some "sex toy shops" but I am not anxious to order that stuff over the 'net - that's a little bit too public.<p>I hope I haven't offended anyone, I'm kind of foundering here because I really don't even know what to ask. How do I learn to be the tigress in the bedroom that I think my H is looking for?<p>terri (a little embarassed to have posted this, but ready for the discussion ...)

Terri,<p>It is hard to practice without a partner. <p>I was a virgin when I got married. I didn't know anything. My H was experienced but would tell me that I was more wild than anything he had ever had. I think for some it is just inbred in them to be more on the wild side. Even with that there were things that could still spice it up. The important thing was for my H to tell me what he wanted or liked. Sometimes talking was what he wanted and sometimes silence was more of a turn on. The most important thing is for him to tell you what it is he wants. I know this is not something you can do right now but maybe letting him know that you are willing to try and are interested in what his fantasies are. The more you do this the more second nature it becomes. I don't think you can learn it from a book though. Just my thoughts. <p>Steph

Thanks, Steph. Obviously the problem right now is that he claims he is not interested in me sexually - how would I talk to him about sexual fantasies and make it seem casual or natural?<p>When we were first intimate together, I wanted very much for him to perform oral sex on me... I didn't know how to tell him that. I have always been inhibited talking to him about sex - not my friends, but to him. So, I bought a book titled "How to Make Love to a Man" and read it. It was a little short book, pink cover - I probably still have it somewhere, and I saw it at a bookstore recently, so I know it is still available. And after I read it, I marked a page in the book where it talked about oral sex with a little scrap of paper with a "note to myself" that said something about "how to ask him to do this?" And I accidentally, deliberately left the book out where he could see it when he came over (on the coffee table or something, I think). He did see it, picked it up and opened it up to my little note marker and read it. I pretended I didn't want him to see it ... I didn't have to pretend to be embarassed, I was pretty embarassed. But it did the trick. He knew what I wanted, and he did it.<p>We used to have great sex before we got married. We used to have great sex less frequently after we got married, for a few years, then I had a depressive episode - didn't want to have sex with him, didn't want to do anything with him, and he had a brief affair. Then, we "swept it under the rug" and our relationship got better for a while, I made a point of being sexually available, but I hated the waterbed. And it was like we couldn't do it anywhere else - somehow I never said let's try it on the livingroom floor, although I thought about it sometimes, and he never seemed to want it until we were in bed. We fell into a pattern, I gained weight and the waterbed was more and more uncomfortable for me, and I lost interest much of the time.<p>A few years ago, every Saturday or Sunday morning he would wake me up by kissing the back of my neck and touching me. With my weight and depression, I really didn't feel very sexual on the weekend mornings, and many times would just lay there until he gave up.<p>What I wouldn't give for him to be kissing my neck and touching me now ...<p>terri (who has talked herself right into tears again - I miss him so much!)

Terri,<p>Maybe (and this is just my opinion) this isn't something you should be thinking about or concentrating on right now. From what you have said I get the impression that he is not going to have sex with you until he thinks that things are going to work out between the two of you. <p>There are ways you could bring it up though, but you will have to be pretty open with him. I think you can do it though, you've taken some big steps the last few months. Maybe just one of the times you have him over at your place, bring it up casually. Like you heard someone talk about doing it in a weird place or in a weird way. Ask him what he thinks about it. Alot of our fantasies come out when we a joking about it and then it kicks our mind into gear. <p>Hang in there. <p>Steph

Terri, you sound just like me 6 months ago. Feeling fat and shrugging off the attention of my H. Then he told me he didn't love me and I didn't do anything for him. A total surprise to me.<p>I'm a big believer in books (I own a used book store). I read everything on relationships, men, and sex I had in the store. MARS AND VENUS IN THE BEDROOM was particularly lighthearted and felt doable. I guess it's pretty interesting that none of Dr. Harley's books are in my store--they must all be keepers.<p>Beginning to work out has helped me a great deal, but I don't do it for my H, I do it because it helps me and I feel in touch with my body's workings again. While we were separated (3 1/2 mo.), he was always willing to hug me, I began to add a quick kiss, cheek, corner of mouth whatever I could reach. I also began to send him email jokes, not raunchy, but suggestive, to put that connection between sex and me back in his mind. The 7 weeks we got back together, our physical relationship flourished. Better than since we had kids and the oldest is 13! I can't say that I did anything special, other than not wearing flannel or Tshirts to bed and just being willing, nay, even enthusiastic. But I had longed for him, as you long for yours.<p>Unfortunately I don't have a happy ending, since his depression has returned--no meds, but he has an appt today. He moved out again last week, again saying he just doesn't feel that spark, but with depression, he feels little of anything. But I plan to continue what I was doing.