I need a reality check. My marriage is coming to an end in about one month and my STBXH will be getting married right after the divorce is final. I am trying to look at what our marriage was objectively. My STBXH is addicted to pornography in my opinion and I want to know if you agree with me.<BR>When he left home he took between 10 and 15 zip drive disks full of downloaded pornography from the internet. He regularly called 900 numbers and liked to be humiliated by the women who answered these phones. I found a list of escort services and he had a reputation at work for "going after the babes" on business trips. He videotaped himself naked when we had a video camera. He would play on the computer looking at pornographic web sites for at least one or two hours every night. He subscribed to a website (he had to pay for this) called smalldi*ks.com that was a gay and teen web site. <BR>My STBXH told me that this was all normal behavior and that all guys do this. I don't think so but want to get my opinion validated if you agree. If you don't agree please also let me know.<BR>I try and remember this behavior when I start getting nostalgic/weepy and am missing him. <BR>Thanks for your time<BR>

It doesn't sound normal to me at all. I think he has a problem and needs some help!<P>If it is normal, I'm really concerned about where this world is heading.

Just curious - does his stb new wife know about this? My H admits to being obsessed with sex, but even he doesn't carry it this far.

Barrington, of course that's not normal!!!<P>Your husband is a pornography addict, more than likely. He is a sex addict or sexaholic, more than likely.<P>And I have another group you need to contact. S-Anon is a family group for the co-addicts of sexaholics just as Al-Anon is for the the co-addicts of alchoholics. <P>I went for 18 months to S-Anon meetings and it was so good for me.<P>I have no idea where you are or where the chapters are located so I would like for you to call their international office at 615-833-3152. You'll probably get an answering machine and youu can ask them to send you some info about the organization and the group closest to you.<P>His addiction is nothing you caused. It's not about you. And you don't need to feel that you caused it. And it was never anything you could control. But it sure can mess up your life if you let it.<P>Been there. Done that. Only my x's disease manifested itself differently. And he attempted to make it be my fault.

To Stonehouse: I have no idea if his new STB wife knows about his addiction. I think it is possible there is a domination thing going on with them. She is only 4'10" tall (the same height at my 11 yo D - SCARY) and she seems to calling all the shots in the relationship. He flew from Germany to San Francisco to spend one night with her and then flew back to his home in Colorado the next day. If she doesn't know about his addiction then she is in for a big surprise.<P>To Cinderella - you are right - I know that I did not cause this - he was into this when I met him except that the internet was not around yet. It was love at first mouse when he connected with the internet. I have a print-out of a message from a transsexual from Holland that I think he must have called back in 1997. I am off on a trip for the next five days but I will call that number and leave my phone number. Thanks.

Look, by doing that you are still the co-addict. Trust me on this one. The healthy thing to do is call S-Anon or see if there is a co-addict group for SLAA in your area.<P>

Cinderella - sorry I don't understand. I will call and get information to see if there is a co-dependent group in my area - just have an early morning flight tomorrow and will be spending some vacation time out-of-state. Let me know if I have misunderstood what you said. thanks for your help.

Barrington,<P>Although I had a subscription to Playboy (just for the articles ) and find the female body very attractive and interesting, it sounds like your STBX had an obsession far beyond the bounds of a normal, healthy interest in sex.<P>I would assume that at some point in your marriage you discussed your concerns with these pursuits, how it made you feel, and asked him to stop. For myself, I can rebut the statement that it's "normal", and "all men do it". It's not.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited December 31, 2000).]

Cooker - thanks for your kind words. Well, since I would probably win the Oscar for conflict avoidance, I never expressed my concerns to my STBXH about his addiction. Sad huh. I excused it my mind that this is what he needed to do to relieve his stress. It was the elephant in the room in our marriage. In the back of my mind I knew what he was doing wasn't healthy but I was so afraid of getting him mad at me that I never said anything to him about it except for once when he had made over $300 worth of calls in one month then I asked him not to do it so often.<BR>It is a good thing I am in therapy - I have a lot to learn about how to stand up for myself in a relationship.

People who do less X than you are ascetics and people who do more are way over the top.<P>But in this case, I would suggest that your STBXH is way over the top. A few mens' mags around, a couple of images on the hard drive, no big deal (unless you're strictly adherent to a fundamentalist religious lifestyle). <P>Andrea Dworkin, et al., would have him convicted of degrading women and sentenced to ritual castration. But probably what he needs is a shrink to find out where his fascination is coming from and encourage him toward abstention or moderation.

I hope I wasn't too gruff. Calling that number, IMHO, doesn't do anything to move you toward health. I has you still, checking up, covering up, whatever (I know you see it as finding a way to write him off even more definitely). But it has you still involved with what I feel is his "Problem". I would just try to document this in case you need it in the proceedings. But what do you gain by calling that number and leaving your number - unless you think the person will actually give you useful info. Which, as a sometimes-cynic, I doubt.

Hi Barrington,<P>ditto to what everyone else has said.<BR>My ex-h did very occasionally watch a "movie"<BR>or see what was on the internet. But to my knowledge that was as far as it went. I didn't have a problem with that amount of exposure. I would have had a HUGE problem if he had been like your h. It would have made me feel very uncomfortable.<P>No, I don't think it's normal. I'm glad you're away from someone like that. For your sake, and your d's sake.<P>keep well, keep smiling, and keep that chin up. Enjoy your vacation.<P>hugs to you<BR>Jo