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Joined: Jan 2001
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For me, marriage is for a lifetime, and I will still consider myself married no matter what the records at the county courthouse say. I simply don't believe that a county judge has jurisdiction over vows made to and before God, and I have made no secret of my position to my family and friends. My family has been very supportive, but I have been surprised by some of the other reactions I have gotten.<P>A lot of people think that once the divorce is over, I should just get on with my life, and to them that seems to mean finding and marrying another woman. I just don't understand this.<P>I know what it's like to be happily married. Been there, done that; and yeah, it's heaven on earth. But I don't see why I can't have a fulfilling life as a "married single", and the price of abandoning my wife seems just too high to pay.<P>I know people change. Certainly I've changed quite a bit over the years. But it seems to me that I would have to become a completely different person in order to remarry. And I like who I am.<P>I hurt terribly, but at least I have the comfort of knowing that my moral integrity is intact. I know I made mistakes in my marriage, but my intentions were good, and I don't believe anyone could have tried harder to be a good husband. My wife even said as much in the note she left when she moved out.<P>All the evidence I have indicates that my wife is caught in a serious emotional and/or psychological crisis. I believe I have a pretty good understanding of the nature of that crisis, but my wife apparently does not realize this, and I suspect that she is fixated on the idea that a divorce will somehow fix things for her. But she is really running from herself, and not from me, and divorce will not help her in the least.<P>She may never realize this. She may continue to look for external causes and live in a state of perpetual denial. But I can pray that she will come out of the "fog". I can't necessarily expect it, but I can hope. I have faith in God's ability to work miracles, and in my wife's ability to slay her inner demons if she chooses to take on the challenge. <P>My worst nightmare used to be that my wife would disappear, apparently abducted, and that I wouldn't know what was happening to her. In large part, I am now living that nightmare (although in this case my wife has abducted herself). Now, though, my worst nightmare is that my wife will wake up, say "what have I done", and turn around to see that I am no longer there for her. And this nightmare, at least, I can do something to prevent. I don't have to date, and I don't have to remarry. I can stay true to my values, and my faith, and my hope, and my love.<P>Is this refusing to get on with my life? Am I playing the martyr? If so, how come I don't feel like it?<BR>

Joined: Dec 1999
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:<BR><B>Is this refusing to get on with my life? Am I playing the martyr? If so, how come I don't feel like it?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't have time for a long reply, but I'd say yes to the first two, and only you can figure out #3 ... perhaps it negates my analysis, but I don't think so.<P>

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If she is psychologically kidnapped, I would suggest that unless SHE recognizes it and desires to fix herself, you are totally wasting time and energy. I know people who have wasted 10 years trying to get back ex wives, and when there is MI, you just make the situation worse.<P>Without kids, I would start all over again. I have an X with MI, and i thought about leaving several times, once went to a lawyer, etc. but it wasn't until i read about her MI that explained the irrational stuff, did I understand its bigger than me, and that any plan wouldn't work, except plan D.<P>So its bigger than you, and harley's stuff doesn't work with MI. so forgetaboutit!<P>start getting some therapy yourself, and find out what you did wrong, if anything, heal first, and then decide if you want to date again.<P>tom<BR>

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WhenIfindthetime:<BR><B>If she is psychologically kidnapped, I would suggest that unless SHE recognizes it and desires to fix herself, you are totally wasting time and energy.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I understand this. My wife must take responsibility for herself before anything positive can happen either for her or for our relationship. And I am the last person in the world to be able to help her until that happens.<P>The only time and energy I am expending on my marriage at this time, is for prayer and for the legal process. I do not believe the former is a waste, and as for the latter...well, it remains to be seen. At this point it looks like years of conscientious fiscal responsibility will go down the drain.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>So its bigger than you, and harley's stuff doesn't work with MI. so forgetaboutit!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm afraid I didn't make it clear: I don't believe that mental illness is involved, at least of the untreatable variety. From my reading, I would guess that the prospects for recovery are quite good, if (and only if) my wife decides to recover.<P>I myself spent five or six years battling depression. So I have at least some insight into what's involved. And although I reckon I'll have to be on guard against depression for the rest of my life, and I'll need to keep applying the techniques I learned to battle it, my experience suggests that it is possible to win both the battle and the war.<P>Assuming that the basis of the problem is not primarily physiological, you "just" have to find what you fear most, and face it. Allow yourself to feel the hurt and fear. When you discover it doesn't kill you, it loses a lot of its power.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>start getting some therapy yourself, and find out what you did wrong, if anything, heal first, and then decide if you want to date again.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm getting therapy, I know a lot of things I did wrong, healing may take a lifetime, and I guess I will have to make a decision about dating if it ever becomes an issue for me. I just can't imagine it ever will.<BR>

Joined: Apr 2000
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In short, you have heard the statements I have heard also. "Getting on with your life" is the confusing one. In my area, not the most churched in the world, I have taken that statement with a grain of salt. <P>One particular book has given me tools for working on myself and making me more aware of what we already know, that it takes two to tango. With these tools, I am working on being aware of how my part in any relationship, not just marriage, should not be taken lightly. Ergo, the source of part of my signature.<P>I have felt, as you, that "getting on with your life" was said by people who either have not felt the pain we have, were the initiators of said pain, or have forgotten how long we need to deal with this pain.<P>I, too feel no need to call it quits, yet. I still sense anger that could possibly interfer with a relationship, especially damaging since the new person had nothing to do for the deterioration of my marriage. The work is in keeping in mind, this new person should not be assumed guilty, therefore, lets get over our pains first. So. don't hurry into another until you trust yourself, as I am learning, to leave the pain at the door.<P>rrunrr<BR><P>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.<P>Never take trust for granted.

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Hi,<P>I agree that a judge shouldn't have the ability to just end a marriage like that. I am also not impressed that each state has all different types of waiting periods, or no waiting period at all? How can this be different in every state??<P>Good luck to you in your new "single married" role. No matter what, you are going to change, because we all do after we go thru divorce. There might be days when you don't like yourself and other days that you do.<P>Your dedication to your marriage is a good quality. I could not be that dedicated after my husband had a horrible affair and left on xmas. For me that was it, because I know that I can't ever trust him like I once did. Plus it was not an option at the time for second chances.<P>I have moved on, and it does bring a whole new set of rules, meeting people, dating, meeting their kids, do they meet yours, do you tell your family, its tough, very tough.<P>But for me, it was what I wanted to do to be happy with myself.<P>I always hope to hear someone recovers from this mess when they are that dedicated to the marriage.<P>Good luck,<BR>Dana<BR>

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GDP,<P>I agree with you that dating again or finding someone new is not a hallmark of healing. I've been divorced and celibate for going on two years. I've watched many on this divorce board go through their trials in dating after a divorce and am very happy to have spared myself. <P>At this point in my life, I have zero desire to re-enter the dating "game". I have many good friends (male and female) and my life is progressing quite well. Don't let anyone convince you that choosing singlehood is being a martyr.

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Thanks, folks. I reckon we're all different, as our our situations.<P>I feel fortunate that my convictions and inclinations, as well as my understanding both of what I need to do for myself and what I ought to do for my wife, all seem to support the same course of action (or inaction). That doesn't happen often, and I can easily understand how other people would not feel as I do.<BR>


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