I am at the lowest point of my life.<br>I don't know if my wife wants to try to put our life back together. In our last argument she said "I'm stuck in a relationship I don't want, with a man I don't want, but I have no options except for really bad ones." I myself am pathetic, always have been, and let myself be walked all over in the vain hope of just being loved a little. Of course, she doesn't respect me. And she no longer trusts me either - I've tried many times in our 8+ year marriage to "straighten out" but can't seem to put my finger on exactly what it is I'm doing wrong. I end up trying to please her constantly, and it's gotten to the point where I cannot focus on anything I need to. I can't concentrate on my job, I haven't been eating, I have no real friends of my own, and I constantly snap at my two little children (both of whom are sweet little girls whom I love dearly - just thinking about the way I treat them sometimes makes me cry now). I don't initiate sex because I'm afraid I will do it wrong and make her more angry; I don't initiate dates or fun adventures because I live clinging from moment to moment. Someone else in this forum put it very well: "...I thought I could not take another step without collapsing." I spend most nights crying in the bathroom because I don't want the kids or my wife to see, and since I've acted so pathetic and weak before I don't dare run the risk of losing what little respect my wife has for me as a human being. I don't think she's evil, but she does suffer from depression and tends to be very prickly and angry and critical about things and people around her. I also know her to be very deeply wounded from former abuses as a child and from other love relationships, and know that she's very sensitive about her image. I'm so tired right now, having a hard time keeping my thoughts straight. I just would like to know if anyone has pulled themselves up from the depths of self-loathing to be a strong and self-repspecting person who is therefore able to give and receive love in a healthy way. All I want right now is for her to hug me, kiss me and tell me she's sorry and that she'd like to build things back up to where they could be.

Tom<p>I urge you in the strongest way to find someone professional you can talk to (i.e., a counselor, pastor, etc.). There's nothing you can do to change her; you can only change yourself and by doing so eventually her reaction to you will change. It won't happen overnight.<p>I understand what you've posted here. You're gonna have to work on yourself. Hopefully her seeing you doing it for yourself will encourage her to do it for herself.

Tom,<p>I second what patient says. You need to get help for yourself. You have been dragged into your wifes depression. You need to get yourself some help. You need to see that you are a person of worth (which you are). When you become better then she may see what is there. Get help for yourself now. <p>Steph

Listen to me carefully--I certainly agree with the other replies here, but beyond counseling you need to start RIGHT NOW and have faith in yourself. I assume you were doing fine before she came along so what makes you think you couldn't make it without her? As my wonderful sister-in-law puts it, "you came into this world naked and alone, and you will go out of this world naked and alone, therefore the only person you have to please and take responsibility for is yourself". I'm sure you have probably tried everything you could to make this work and to make HER problems better--it's time for you to realize that they are HER problems--yes, they affect you to a certain extent. For me, when my husband said I want to leave I said there is the door. Yes it hurt like hell, but there is no way I will succomb to disrespecting myself. The best thing you can do, which I know is easier said than done, is act NORMAL. When she throws her fits, ignore her. If she wants to talk in a calm manner, that's fine. You have to decide that you are a valuable person who deserves someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. I know I have gotten on a soapbox, and I am VERY PRO marriage; but it urks me to no end when a spouse puts down the other (which my husband never did) and talks about how bad their life is--if it's so bad then they need to do something about it and stop whining. All she is trying to do is put you down on her level. Maybe she does have some type of depression, etc. but there is no excuse for putting you down. If she cannot recognize how lucky she is to have someone care for her and cannot recognize the fact that she has a problem--that's her loss. You need to be there for your kids and do things that please you and make you happy. But, DO NOT chase your wife around begging for affection or begging her to talk--that's the worst thing you can do in my opinion. Once you stop "pining" she will probably wonder why--women want someone with self-respect. Just remember how valuable YOU are and take control of YOUR life and stop trying to take control and fix her's.<p>Keep me posted--you can do this and get through it--I know it!!!!

Thank you very much for your replies. I actually just started seeing a psychologist over the holidays, and am putting everything I have inside me into behaving responsible, strong and caring.<p>I've also read some of the other posts here. Sounds like terri and Diane have been in a similar frame of mind as my wife. Maybe she just isn't ready to give me the affection I crave yet, and I should continue to be kind, friendly, happy and work very hard to do what's right for our home and family.<p>Again, I appreciate your words - it adds to my strength.<p>-Tom

All -<p>Things have brightened somewhat. My wife and I are in the "withdrawal" stage, from what I can see. We're acting pleasant and friendly to each other (friendly exchanges, chit-chat, cooperation in running the house and managing the kids, and even watching movies together), but no affection.<p>I'm moving from the hopelessly sad stage to the "I'm responsible for my own happiness" stage (I don't really want to be indifferent, I'm just not going to be so needy and dependent) and am striving to continue that trend.<p>I asked for and got a hug this morning as I left the house, and oddly enough she hugged me harder and longer than I would have expeceted. It makes me think maybe she's very much in need of the affection we used to provide each other.<p>I left her a note today too, stating that I still care, that I remember what her grievances are and that I very much want to stay together in a healthy marriage; but that I was going to continue to take care of myself, and love myself whether she decides to stay or to go.<p>I hope this will help us - wish me luck!

Tom, I totally wish you luck. It's amazing how comforting being hugged back by one's spouse is. Or even a pat or two. Hang in there.

you are doing great Tom 63 - you will come accross many hard times, but you are the one responsible for your own happiness, and you have the right to be happy too.<p>Glad there was a sign of affection between you and your W - hope you can both turn around and start working for a future.<p>Janet