<BR> Hey all,<P> Well things are spiraling out of control and the XWTB has really sped things up. I know this is over and just can't seem to get the possibilities of reconciliation out of my thick skull. We have a face to face meeting with our respective lawyers on Thursday and I guess thats when I'll officially stop trying to delay this thing. This is kind of weird , but I sat most of the night trying to think of one reason to keep trying , and I can't find one good one. <BR>So , I guess it's off to the new adventure of being a part time Dad , and I'm going to be the best one possible. God listens , but I'm not sure what message I'm sending.....<P> gary

Hi Gary,<P>I don't know how you just let go, but I do know that time helped me. Everyone said it would when I first came here, a year and a half ago, and I believe them now.<P>Maybe it's the inevitability of the situation. Or the hopelessness. I don't know. But I do know that my life is getting back on track without him. I'm doing Ok, and I'm sure you will too.<P>It's a long hard road, but one that has made me a bit wiser, and a bit more 'grown-up'!!<P>I have learnt so much, about relationships, about me, about him, about everything.<P>keep your chin up, and buy some good walking shoes......<P>Jo

Find out what's missing in *your* life, without regard to the STBX. Do you want to travel? Are you driving something you hate? Are you out of shape? Is it time to find a new leisure activity? Lou Holtz once made a list of 100 things he wanted to do before he died. Look at what you want, look for ways around what's in your way of getting it. <P>One key thing: In your new place alone, you may be spending a lot of time with no one else around. Just your stuff. It shouldn't be ugly, and it should be orderly. Don't keep anything around that isn't useful or good looking. And keep that stuff well-arranged. If you don't have it already, get a place with good natural light and keep the shades open as much as possible--make sure there's plenty of lighting in the evening as well. <P>There are things more depressing than living in an ugly place, but the latter is one of the easiest problems to fix, and it helps keep people around who can fix the others. No one wants to hang out with you in a slovenly pit, least of all your kids. <P>Remember, the XW may visit, and likely before you're ready unless you do a crash program. Although she has broken with you, there is still an ongoing conflict in her mind. Your ability to project virtuous traits can bring her closer. One way to do that is to have a place that doesn't say "dejected loser".

I don't believe you just let go, it is a long process. It takes lots of time, tears, emotional support from others, and apparently lack of sleep.<P>I have been dealing with this for 8 months and just when I think I am rounding a corner there are yet more crap to deal with.<P>I pray almost continually and I get some comfort from this yet my prayers certainly have not been answered, at least in the manner I wanted.<P>I know where you are and I trust that you will be the best dad possible!

If your letting god in your life...then except him fully! Let god speak for you embrace you and walk for you!!<BR>You can not control another persons actions, words thought or desires.<BR>Look within. Admit your mistakes and work on you! Work on being the dad you want to be. If your meant to be together god will let the two of you re-enter each others lives! Be proud of yourself. Stop trying to hold on. Stop trying to prevent a situation you can not. It takes two. Right now the only thing you can do is work on yourself, improvements, hobbies, dreams, and your children. <P>Best of all don't Judge.<P>

All the suggestions already given are very good. One thing I don't see mentioned is the grieving process. Although your marriage is not a person, you have still lost something near and dear to you. The process of grieving is upon you. Denial is one stage (sound familiar?), another stage is bargaining (well, if I do this, things will be ok again), another stage is anger. Finally you will reach acceptance. It's not easy.

Hi, buddy! I'm glad to see that you're still posting here. How is your brain doing? Do you still have one? Mine is at home sleeping today while I'm at work <P>I hear your question and I'll share with you how it has been for me. This all started in Feb. 2000 for me, and I'm coming up on an "anniversary" in a couple months, and WOW, what a year! Some times I felt like crap, to be honest, and utterly unlovely and unloveable. Other times, I felt strong and capable and pretty impressive. Some nights I literally was awake all night aching for someone to hug me. Other nights, I feel asleep happy and content because I did a good job in something. <P>The thing I learned is that anything can and will hit you. Literally every emotion is not only natural, it's likely. What lonesome heart said about a grieving process is SO TRUE, and if anything the grief process is doubled because the spouse is still alive, there's no closure, and they continue to hurt you. <P>You asked, "How do you let go?" In a way, you really don't let go--you just go on. The stuff that has occurred to me, both good and bad, goes on with me and I keep it. My time with my spouse goes on with me. The love times go on with me; and so do the hurt times. I don't really let go of him--I grab hold of me. And to be honest with you, Gary, I think that's the start of what you mean when you say you're off to being the best part time Dad possible. You won't be letting go of her or the whole experience of being married to her--you'll be grabbing ahold of yourself. <P>I'm sorry it has ended up that she is speeding things up, but you know what? You'll get through this too!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Gary}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I think letting go is the first step in acceptance of the inevitable. For me it was the conscious realization that there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop my STBX from divorcing me. I had to continue on with my life, because regardless of what she decided, I had to go on.<P>It's a slow and very gradual process and there are always setbacks along the way, but almost every day I grow a little stonger. I am slowly redefining myself without her. The first step of that definition is mere survival alone. No small feat for me The next step was my dedicating my life to raising my son into the best young man he can possibly be. The next step will be getting back out into the world and meeting new people, but I think that's a bit in the future for me.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

<BR> Just got back from my attorney's office and he said in his 27 years of divorce law , he has never , ever seen anyone so resolute in nothing but a divorce. He tells me she will be remarried in less than 6 months. And that there definintely is a OM steering this process. But , I got to look out for me now .I wish her well in her new life but I will need capital for mine. <P> Faithful , yep I got a brain and it's doing fine , I do have some severe eye muscle problems brought on by the thyroid condition , At first they feared occular hystoplasmosos , but a EYE surgeon came up from Fla. and worked on me the day after Christmas , she fused the blind spot in my retina , and gave me the news that the double vision will probably never go away as my right eye has zero reflex anymore....Sort of like has a mind of it's own....Thesame alien that jumped in Connie's brain jumped into my eye.....<P> Love you all......gary

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Gary:<BR><B>Just got back from my attorney's office and he said in his 27 years of divorce law , he has never, ever seen anyone so resolute in nothing but a divorce.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Attorneys need their clients docile and directed, not mercurial and dramatic. Not that he'd lie to you, but his truth is colored by what makes his life easier and lines his pockets. A "good job" is a clean divorce with a satisfying fee (a better job is to litigate a truly rancorous divorce where there's lots of money involved). <P>If you accept his analysis after having given the matter some thought of your own, my unorthodox advice would be to get over to udate.com and see who is out there looking for you. Don't look for a new love of your life, but see who you can pal around with.

c00ker has it right on the money. When can one finally accept the truth. <P>How many posts have written here to the effect: "I just found out that there is an OP?" Most of those posts really mean "I just accepted the fact that there is an OP." At least in my case, I knew, years before I could accept it. :O<P>As far as letting go, The hardest thing I ever did in life was: <P> "CHANGE MY OWN ATTITUDE!"

Bumper you are right on and I have adopted that attitude , I don't care whats going on with her and the OM anymore , I'm just concerned with my children. It truly has been a eye opening exp. I spent way too much time dwelling on that and it personally wrecked me. I won't allow it to happen anymore. As for as our face to face meeting...wheeeewwwwww She wants to stay in our home for up to 7 years and pay me off then. I'll be 49 years old when I can gey my equity.....sounds fair huh...

Gary,<P>Agreed. Divorce isn't fair. The settlements aren't fair. Nothing about the process is fair.<P>You have your sights on the right place for my vote, that is to do whatever it takes to care for your children. That is a real concern in more ways than your STBX may be aware of right now.<P>After blowing over ten thousand dollars trying to get custody of my kids and losing in our courts, my ex began to realize that I was the more stable person. One by one, all three children came back to my home to live. That happens a lot more often than political correctness will permit our society to recognize.<P>May I suggest to you that you need to have a home your children can live in too regardless of who gets custody right now. It has nothing to do with what is fair, it has to do with protecting the best interests of the children. They too need a plan B.<P>bumper <BR>