My H has been diagnosed by 2 therapists (his & our marital) as chronically depressed, first in Aug, now again in Dec. He has moved out of the house for the second time, but now agreed to go for the medication, except he isn't making the appointment with the doctor.<p>He's been suffering with this since June. We separated for 3 1/2 mo in Aug, he moved back for 7 wks, then left last week. Throughout the first separation I was very loving, committed and compassionate to him. But I am a cryer.<p>He says he can't work on our marriage and isn't in love with me. I realize that is/may be part of the depression. But at the same time he comes to see me & the kids everyday, plus he calls or emails me. So he doesn't want to live with me, but he doesn't want to lose contact with me either, which I think is hopeful for our future.<p>Last night when he told me he hadn't made an appointment with any of the doctors he has on his referral list, I told him that I felt he was making a decision to stay depressed and I would always care for him and love him as my kids dad, but that I wasn't feeling very loving toward him in other ways and I have to go on with my life and concentrate on parenting and my own interests.<p>He apologized for hurting me and suddenly showed me more affection than in weeks which led to a lock-the-bedroom door encounter. Then after what amounted to an after action report, he left.<p>I'm confused. It seems like this was a step forward, but it also seems like 1 or 3 terrible errors. Can someone who's dealt with spousal depression give me some guidance? After 6 months and another separation, my coping skills are exhausted. I just don't think he'll ever fully recover without meds. He had made a partial recovery when we got back together through exercise and therapy, but he couldn't take the commotion of the kids/household/me. Up until this past week, he's been adamantly against meds but I don't see a future with this man without his taking them.

Lor,<p>My husband was diagnosed with depression over seven years ago. He took medication for years and is doing much better. (He was finally diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder--which was the cause of his depression). He never left, nor did he ever say he didn't love me, but I know how hard it is to live with a man who is continually depressed. It takes a lot of strength and a lot of tears. And medication is, unfortunately, absolutely necessary. I would strongly encourage your husband to make those appointments and take his medications.<p>In addition, my dad committed suicide because of depression. If he had seen a therapist, he would probably still be alive today.<p>So, there is no easy answer. However, I always wondered if it would help me to discuss things with a therapist (which I never did) as they are used to dealing with depression and could possibly advise on how to deal with someone so depressed.<p>You are in my prayers.

Lor,<p>I don't know how your H would react to this but the only thing that worked for me was to finally make the appointment for my H. I just said "Here is your appointment." He got mad at first so I told him that if he didn't want it to go ahead and cancel it. He ended up keeping it. He did say he didn't love me but we never separated. This was about 10 months before I made the appointment. I don't think it could hurt things to do it for him. I know how you feel though and you do need to take care of yourself. You can not fix him he has to do it. Good Luck. <p>Steph

Lor,<br>My wife is very similar. Her therapist keeps recommending that she see a doctor for medication. He has gone so far as to tell her that, unless she takes medications, he guarrantees that he will be treating her in a hospital (Breakdown!!).<br>But, my wife refuses to take any meds. She is very stubborn, and I can not even discuss it with her. <br>What I plan to do is recommend non-medication treatment. She is a tea lover, so I am looking up various tea's that fight depression. Also, she drinks several cups of coffee a day. This increases the anxiety and makes her depression worse. But, her stubborness refuses to eliminate caffinated coffee.<br>Any other ideas?

Bill, the only suggestion is the one I think I made before: St. John's Wort. As far as the coffee goes, I haven't found it to be a problem unless I drink three cups in a row. I do know that I cannot drink coffee anytime after 3pm or so, because I will be up all night.<p>I don't know if St. John's Wort comes in a tea form or not - do a web search or see if your local health food store carries anything like that. I bought some and am hoping that my H will be willing to take it - but haven't had the nerve to bring it up to him yet.<p>Good luck - if the herbal remedies start to make her feel better, perhaps you might just get her to get on regular medication - or perhaps she won't need it.<p>terri

Thanks ML, Steph & Bill.<br>Bill, my H has been okay with taking St. John's Wort "the sunshine herb". My therapist says its more effective for the blues than for actual depression--although I wouldn't currently be without it! Kava Kava is also anti-anxiety & Primrose Oil, especially for women. I don't know about teas.<p>My H has made the appointment for tomorrow. I got sick last night (body is wearing down from 6 months of stress & I thought the family genetics were catching up with me) I panicked & called my H. He came over, stayed & took me to the doctor today. My symptoms (yucky details, don't want to go into it) were totally treatable, although labs were done as well, and I felt foolish for causing H to miss a couple hours of work. My H told me I'm more important than his work and always will be. He gives me such mixed messages. I've got to get back to some sense of peace so that what he is doing doesn't actually make me ill.<p>Uh, anyone care to join me for a cup of Chamomile tea?