If you could have your marriage back, would you want it to be the same way?<P>The answer no<P>Then why pine for something you want to change?<BR>Work on yourself. Admit mistakes you made correct them, if god wants you back together it'll happen.<BR>

The only thing that is clear to me is that you are happy you are divorced. Good for you.<P><p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited January 03, 2001).]

Overall the same way? No. But the same feelings and love? Most certainly.<P>The problems and mistakes we both made were so minor in the scope of a lifetime. We both needed to grow-up. I have and continue to, as for her I really can't say.<P>What I pine for is "our love" and that is something I would never change!<P>God Bless,<BR>Mike

No, I would want it to be much better. I would want more open, honest communication and complete dedication to one another.<P>I would love to have the "in love" feeling back, but to be honest, if she ever decided that she wanted to try again, it would be a long, long time before I could ever really trust her and believe in her again.<P>There is a lot of history between us and a son who deserves to live in a single household, but all of that doesn't count for anything with her right now and probably never will, so I guess I could never really have my marriage back after all...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

I wouldn't take it back if you paid me (and I need money BAD!)

If (that's the key word) I could have my marriage back, I wouldn't want it the same way.<P>I would want us to respect each other and not take each other for granted. I would want us to be able to to effectively communicate rather than just fight all the time. I would want us to have a relationship our children would be proud of and would tell all their friends now and later in life how great it was to grow up in such a loving atmosphere. I would want a marriage just like my parents have. They will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary next month (this is the second marriage for both of them).

Would I want it the same way? Assuming you mean before the depression and subsequent affair. Yes, absolutely. Sure, I can think of a number of ways we could improve it - there are always ways to make things better, but, I love him, he loved me (even right after he left, he admitted that he "probably" did), our kids thought we were happily married...

No, I don't want the marriage we had to return.<P>I would be willing to start a new relationship with the same person if that is ever an option. My next marriage will be 100% stronger than my last, even if it was to be with the same woman.<P>I married her with the idea of "unconditional love" and that has not changed even after the divorce has become final.

If is an awful big word for only haveing two letters, isn't it?<P>

I agree with everything that everyone said. Have I become a major fence sitter or what??????<P>However, I wouldn't want my old marriage back. I want something better. My first marriage had so many good qualities about it, and he wasn't a bad person.<P>However, for all the good, he could not communicate very well and would not deal with problems. Just swept them under the carpet And these two things have turned out to be major major issues for me. My next marriage, even if with him, would HAVE to have communication and conflict resolution skills. As a bare minimum. I don't see how I could re-marry him. How do you teach a 37 yo the basics of communication and conflict resolution.? These are things that are taught through the years. By dealing with things as and when they happen. He was never taught that.<P>Oh well, onwards and upwards. Much better things are in store for me. I can feel it in my waters (as my beautiful mum says!!!!!!)<P>Jo <P>

"So tired" brought up an interesting point.<P>That the two of you had to "grow up".<BR>My ex used that word/phrase with me.<P>Funny thing was in the last year for all his begging of wanting to be together he was bedding someone else his "girlfriend" stating I needed to grow up and change before he could feel better about us. teeheee<P>Makes me wonder what lies i missed during our marriage.<BR>Thats why i say no..STUDENT.. yes I am happy with my divorce. If a man will lie when his STBX knows he's seeing someone else and states "lie when you spend time with her be honest with me, we'll work through it". Not a very strong man in my book. <BR>But I look at everything still as this learning experience. By no means do i think of marraige as something that should always end. But sometimes there are factors that make leaving the better option.<P><BR>God doesn't ask us to sacrfice ourselves. He did that for us.

DanaB,<P>I couldn't agree with you more! Once it is over, it is over, period. Time to heal, time to move on and enjoy the rest of life.<P>When my ex took off with the bus driver, (she always was a sucker for a uniform)it was very painful. Now, looking back, it was the nicest thing she did in thirteen years of marriage. <P>Life is too short and too sweet to waste time on what if.<P>Bumper

Exactly!!!

I agree that life is too short to waste on what if's.<P>However, it seems to me that those who have washed their hands of their marriage and are giving "high fives" to their divorce haven't taken responsibility for diddly.<P>First, no matter what a cruel, evil, monster your ex may or may not have been, you chose to marry them. You got married for a reason and you made vows. Somewhere in your psyche you'd best come to grips with that before you choose the next person. <P>Second, I see alot of me,me,me. I deserve better, I was a great husband/wife, I was so great and my ex was so awful. blah,blah. It takes two. <P>Third, I read the posts of people who are dating again and are not that sad about their divorces. What I see is "he's doing this for me, he's doing that for me". I see people who focus on what the other person is doing for them and not alot of focus on what they are doing for the other person. Their idea of love is measured by how many flowers they got this month, or if he took them to dinner at an expensive restaurant, and how fun the sex was afterwards. good luck.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by rtn2:<BR><B>If you could have your marriage back, would you want it to be the same way?<P>The answer no<P>Then why pine for something you want to change?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Windows is bug-laden and balky, but if it vanished from your PC, you would be totally scr*wed.<P>Of course I would want my marriage to be different. I would want healing for both of us. I would want us to use a third party to facilitate our deepest communication (this *should* start happening the moment either party feels things are off-track ... as Howard Stern says, by the time you get to a marriage counselor, it's usually shot to hell anyway ... but that's the couple's failing). I would want my XW and I not to ever blame ourselves or each other for the state of her health. I would want to not have to produce the next major step in our lives on a rigid timetable in order to keep her happy ... looking back there were things she took her time on that I *never* pressured her over ... yet I felt the pressure on me was intense (and even counterproductive). I would want her to give her father less respect (he got way more than his due), and me more. XW even told me at one point in therapy that I was *not* demanding enough with respect to *my own* needs, that I shouldn't just accept what she gave as enough for me.<P>I would want her to take more time to understand how I handled finances. I knew she tried to keep everything in her head and I was OK with that (though I think it caused a sense of anxiety in her). I kept very little in my head, and what I did keep could rarely come out in a single-number answer; though I kept scrupulous track on the computer.<P>Why pine for something you want to change? Because it's something that belonged to both of you; and losing it was a battle (or war) you lost, a flower that died, a building that crumbled, an empire that fell, a recount that went the wrong way, a game you got cheated in, a public humiliation, a lost chance for your kids to grow up in an intact family, a cause for you to envy every happily-married friend and co-worker, a financial debacle and every other negative thing that can happen all rolled up into one.<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited January 05, 2001).]

If I could have my marriage back I definetly would not want it the same way. I was a major conflict avoider and so was my exH. I would try and stand up for myself, not be a doormat, and hopefully by taking care of myself better, be a better wife/partner to him.<BR>Unfortunately I was married to someone who thought counseling was a waste of time, he did not need it. Doesn't see how talking about his childhood (even though his was extremely traumatic) can do any good. I would love to try and put things back together but he has not the interest or desire to do this. He has found a younger person to take care of him now (their marriage is 1/27), lives in another state at a new job and has shut the door on his life with me. He has cut all ties with his past with the exception of his family.

To TS,<P>It seems to me the reply you have posted may be directed at me. <P>You have gone from saying that those of us who can walk from the marriage were never in love, that we judge things by the flowers we get, or that we never accepted responsibility for the part of the divorce.<P>That's a harsh generalization for so many different situations on the board. Each person here had a different marriage, and a different break up. <P>There is nothing wrong with mourning the loss of your marriage, then getting up and starting life again. That doesn't mean I never loved my husband. It doesn't mean I don't except the blame for whatever part I played in the end of the marraige and it doesn't mean that I haven't accepted things. <P>I happen to get flowers once a week. Not that I asked for them. I also get lots of other things from him. Emotional support, Conversation, Admiration, Affection, etc. The material things are just that. Material. The priceless gift is the time we spend communicating and learning to work thru issues that come up. <P>Is it that hard to believe that some of us want to grow from this awful experience, want a better relationship next time, and can actually find happiness?<P>I have always said everyone here has a different time frame to heal and we all have different needs. <P>As far as the comment that we talk about "me me" and what about what we do for them, well I happen to do a lot for him, such as cook dinner for him every night, rub his back after a long day, do his laundry that he leaves behind, give him affection, admiration, support him in his decisions that he askes my advice or help on, treat him with respect and faithfullness, and according to him, I am a good mother, I take care of everything at the house on my own, am sexy and fulfill his number one need that you will totally disagree with. In return, he knows my needs and meets them. I thought that was what the Harley principle was all about. Know your needs, know your partners needs, and don't leave one unmet.<P>I feel confident that I don't want my marriage back. Not only that, I don't want my ex back. If he cheated on me, he'll do it again. He shows no remorse for his behavior and he is not a nice person. I was young and naive when I met him and although I have 3 beautiful daughters from him, I know when enough is enough and its time to let go.<P>I personally am very happy to hear about marriages that make it to recovery, and I'm equally as happy to hear that some people go on to find a bigger and brighter love then they have ever known. <P>Not everyone will fail the second time around. <P>Dana<BR>

Everyone enjoys sharing their life to a degree with another person. Is it that attachment that one misses, or your spouse??

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TheStudent:<BR><B>Second, I see alot of me,me,me. I deserve better, I was a great husband/wife, I was so great and my ex was so awful. blah,blah. It takes two.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey Student,<P>Isn't that a pretty good description of many of your posts? <P>

Rtn2,<P>Good point, I missed the attachment to another person. I missed my old spouse. The one I once fell in love with many years ago. But people change and you have to go on their actions and who they are today. I don't think you can hang onto the past forever. <P>Dana<P><BR>