Wheeewww....many different points of view!<P>How many of you think this is an accurate passage?....<P>"Few adults anticipate accurately what lies ahead when they decide to divorce. Life is almost always more arduous and much more complicated than one ever comtemplated. It is often mmore depleting and more lonely for at least one member of the marriage. At the time of divorce, people are intent on getting rid of their unhappiness, and they find it difficult to conjure up understanding for something they have never experienced. it is hard for them to imagine the multiple changes that divorce will bring in it's wake! Eventually both PARTNERS DO LEARN, HOWEVER, THAT THE CHANGES WE MAKE FROM DIVORCE ARE HARD-WON.<P>What happens at this first turning point of divorce and at the turning points that follow determines thelife trajectories of men, women and children in the years to come. Divorce can be a profound catalyst for psychological, social and economic change and growth. It can also be a stumbling block against such change or the beginning of psychological, social, and economic deterioration. Divorce opens up or closes off a multitude of opportunities. As ever, the journey begins with the first step...and the direction of that first step governs each step that follows..."<P>Have you ever felt this after your divorce?<P>mrrlk

To varying degrees i suppose.<P>I believe the changes that i have/am going through are shaping me into a better individual.<BR>Without facilating my divorce i would never of found this peace that i enjoy so much today.<BR>In comtemplating staying or leaving knwoing the hardships and battle i would have before me, i still choose to leave because i knew living on my own would be better than being with someone i was afraid would kill me.<P>I would never want that life back. <BR>I hope the best for him today, and i let go everyday of my anger towards him. <P>He is merely the father of my child.

rtn2-<P>Oh I'm sorry that you had to live with that,we all here have become aware of the notion about meeting emotional needs and how important that is for both partners...but being with someone that not only does not meet or want to try and meet your emotional needs as well as serves up a continued threat that you will be physically harmed had to be more than most people could bear to endure. Had to be one of the ultimate love busters.<P>I understand your perspective and point of view.<P>mrrlk

mrrlk,<P>Where did you get that passage from? Yes I have felt that way. I think anyone with kids, has a far harder time seperating and accepting the divorce. The first few months, you have that constant reminder and feeling of failure everytime they show up for visitation. Holidays are forever changed and so is life.<P>A year later, I am ok with it but it took a long hard road to get here, and I'd never be as at peace with myself if I didn't go thru all the pain and devestation that came before that "hard won" feeling.<P>Dana<BR>

There comes a point when you make a choice to accept the decision. People ask me if the divorce was the right thing to do. I can say no because my principles tell me no. I believe that we should have stayed together because I know there was hope. Commitment keeps a marriage together even when the people see greener pastures. On the other hand, I say yes, it was right because saying yes allows me to free myself from my guilt and dissapointment and accept something that somehow escaped my control. I can't change it and regret is a wasted emotion. I can see the blessings even in my pain and for that I am grateful. The Student seems to think that if you say that your divorce was a good thing or that you are happy now that you are focusing on the wrong things. There is nothing wrong with looking for the good in something--even a divorce. Personally, I miss my husband and the companionship and what could have been, but the basic ingredients of our lifestyle would have led to a lifetime of unhappiness. If I could turn back time to the place when we were happy and start the nurturing there--yes. But I can't. But really, what good does it do to ask ourselves this question or to judge ourselves (or others) based on the response? We are divorced. Let's just deal with it.

If I could have my marriage back I would say, NO, I don't want it! Sounds really harsh I know but after all that has happened in the past I don't want to put up with his problems anymore. I married him when I was barely 19. We hardly knew eachother before I got pregnant and we just continued on from there. What I thought was love all of those years was just me not knowing any better. Don't get me wrong the way I fought for my marriage shows me that I did love him but sometimes I wonder if part of the fight isn't because for one I don't like change at all and for 2 I hate to lose. <BR>I'm very happy being single right now. The kids and I have become so close. I think I neglected them for a few years when I was trying so hard to keep the marriage together. <BR>I'm very bitter about some things that I have just recently found out. Little petty things but in the end it's the little things that hurt the worst.<BR>For one for 16 and 1/2 years I got up every morning and made my H lunch. I worked until 11:30 every night but I still got up at 5:30 every am just so he would have a fresh lunch. I never got a thankyou. Now I find out he makes his own lunch in the am so OW can sleep a little later. <BR>The whole time we were married he never did dishes, helped me with the meals, did laundry , cleaned the house or anything that would have helped me out. I worked full time plus did some daycare so we could pay for his toys. Now the kids tell me Dad cooks and cleans does the dishes and does most of the laundry. So what did that make me all of those years the slave? So no I don't have any love feelings for him anymore. When I see him I just think about what a [censored] he can be. He is getting married on Feb 2 and I'm really ok with that. He may be putting on a show for her now but I can't see that this "perfect Jeff" will last forever.<P>Jill<BR>(formerly crazy or what? )<P>------------------<BR>live for today for there may not be a tomorrow

I just went through and read everyones posts to this thread. TS does have a point there is alot of me,me me on this post but hey most of us have been really crapped on. I do take some responsibility for what happened in our marriage. Alot of it was because I worked the 3-11 shift and he worked days so we could save on daycare. Then when the kids got older I had such a good job that we hated to lose the income. So I know my H got lonely at nights by himself but it wasn't like I was out partying at night I was working to pay for like I said before his toys. New trucks, stereos ect. I also wasn't the most sexual person for alot of years. Don't get me wrong he got it alot but I don't think it was the way he wanted. I was to tired to be porn star everynight.<BR>I know deep in my sould that I was the best wife I could be. He has told me that many times I just wasn't what he craved I guess. <BR>It doesn't always take 2 to ruin a marriage in my opinion and our therapists he did most of it on his own.<P>Jill

DanaB,<BR>You are the one who said you never really "loved" your spouse, not in the way that a wife should. <P>As far as the "number one need" thing...I don't totally disagree with it. I've filled many men's number one needs in my time, sweetie. It was the main thing my ex said he would miss about me. However, I'm not going to let some guy use me for his "number one need" unless he knows what he wants in life. I don't consider my vagina to be a way station or part-time parking spot till they get their head together. It is your life though. If you are getting what you want out of it, then who can complain? Just don't call it love, cause it's not.<P>How many men have you been through since your divorce, or should I say before your divorce and afterward? Is it three or just two? With each guy, you'd come here talking about how he did this and that for you. Those ended. Do you wonder why I'm skeptical about your latest relationship? What you don't talk about is how you are working through some of the challenges you didn't work through with your ex. Maybe you do talk about those things with other people, just not here. Who knows? <P>Anyway, how many men do you want to swap fluids with before you get married again? You think that having sex with him (without a commitment) is going to make him love you more? All it does is postpone the inevitable. If he truly loves you for you, then the sex is not THE most important thing in the big scheme of things. If he doesn't love you for you, then he will use you till the sex gets old (whether he or you is conscious of this fact or not). Which method do you think brings a quicker resolution to the question at hand? <P>Bumperii,<BR>'Fraid not. I've never said I'm better off, or I'm glad to be rid of my husband, for one thing. Yes, he did hurt me a great deal. I do talk about that. I guess there is a big difference between me and you though. If I'm as screwed up as my ex (and I probably am), at least I know it and I'm not going to suck some new man dry just to prop up my ego. <P><p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited January 07, 2001).]

Why do people come on here a tear a strip out of someone else?<P>RELAX! my God!<P>Something for everybody to remember is that marriages have fallen apart here. We all came here for different reasons. As opposed to riping into someone try thinking of an actual question or insight for the other person to GROW off of. No need for this slander.<BR>

Nope, wouldn't want my "old" marriage back.<P>After 5 months of trying to reconcile, get to a retrouvaille weekend, or do MB counseling, I finally said it is time to move on. I finally wised up, realized I have been in an emotionally abusive marriage that wasn't ever going to get better becuase STBX couldn't care one whit.<P>The final straw... he said he knew he was cold, self-centered, selfish, cared only for himself and not about me or the kids, yet he couldn't forgive me for finding a way to deal with it by getting involved with showing and training dogs or horses. When asked what it was he fell in love with, he answered that it wasn't me, it was my 3 year old daughter he loved first. <P>Nope, I don't want my marriage back... as he said, Pandora's Box was opened and it would never be the same. I said with work and help, it could have ben better than it ever was, but I am wasting my breath.<P>Lori<P><BR>

I was going to stay quiet and leave this alone. I don't agree with everyone's choices, and that includes some of the things Dana has posted. However, I have one further thing to say about the tone of this thread.<P>TS - take a powder or hire a new counselor.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by bleubelle (edited January 08, 2001).]