My STBX and I are still living in the same house, and "sleeping" in the same bed. I do still love him and want to reconcile, he on the other hand doesn't. Yet we still "sleep" together. I feel it serves my needs and he is still my Husband. Should I say no? It does help with my self esteem, because he still thinks I'm attractive and desirable. Sometimes I just don't know what I'm doing anymore!!!!

This is a slippery slope. Be very careful for your own sake.<P>I, too, went down this road and all it did was to serve my wish/hope for reconciliation and keep that burning in me. It was not the same for my stbx who was just struggling with "old habits die hard" while still having every intention to keep the divorce moving along.<P>In the end I felt used and doubly betrayed because he let me have hope. Hope can be a very cruel thing when the spouse has no desire to reconcile.<P>I would strongly suggest separate bedrooms until you know his intentions a little more clearly (or until he knows them himself even). You can totally plan A all other areas - and even show affection - but be honest about sleeping together - tell him you want to know its for the right reasons first.<P>Most of all, protect your emotional self. Getting little crumbs of affection and then having them yanked away hurts a lot.<P>Good luck. (((((hugs))))))<P>Lisa

First,<P>Since you are new here, go study up on Plan A, <B> don't </B> move off of the bed, if your H wants to, that's his perogative.<P>This forum is probably not the best since all of us here are divorced, or one court appearance away.<P>However, when you post, give enough history so that we understand your situation. all situations are different. length of marriage, age, kids, affairs, no affairs, emotional needs of each person, Myers Briggs personality types all would be helpful.<P>Then, remember, if your H wants a divorce, let him do what he thinks right. If you don't think so, don't agree. but read up FAST on Plan A. go to Plan A forum and ask questions, etc.<P>Then after you begin understand that, go to the Emotional Needs forum to get hints on filling your H's emotional needs.<P>OK, if you don't have them, order the Harley books, HisNeeds, Her Needs and Love Busters<BR>through amazon.com NOW, get overnight delivery, and read them as quickly as possible. That will open your eyes to stuff you need, your H needs, and how you drain lovebanks.<P>after that, you will be so enlightened that you will understand what and why your H wants to get D, or has an affair, emotional (EA) or physical (PA) with someone else, or why the grass is greener over there.<P>good luck, and check back often!<P>also, check the divorce busting site as well, looks just like this but Michele Weiner-Davis answers posts quite frequently, and often directly.<P>good luck, now <B> GET GOING! </B><P>wiftt

I really can't tell you what you "should" do, but all I can say is that my stbx and I were doing the same thing. Even after he moved out and came to visit our d on Fri-Sun, we would still be intimate. I also felt like you, telling myself he's still my H. And yes it did make me feel good that I was still attractive to him. Unfortunately for me my stbx still left and now I am left with not only a two year old, but also a newborn to raise alone(I WAS ON BIRTH CONTROL). DOn't get me wrong, I DO NOT regret my newborn's life at all, because I know he has purpose. But like Lisa, I also felt that this was mix signals and a cruel act of giving false hope. But maybe it wasn't, maybe he still did/does love me, but in the long run it only stunted my growth and healing process. I have been celibate since June, and yes I would love to "be with" my stbx, but I just can't for the mere fact he is not committed to me.<P>I do not know your situation, but do what you think is best, especially if you all just started going thru problems. But if you are really close to the divorce , I think it may be wise to re-evaluate your decision and see what affect it may have in the long run. If there is OW involved, you also need to be cocerned with health risk factors.<P>Hope this helps<P>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com<P>[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited January 03, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited January 03, 2001).]

I would say that any things in your marriage that still function should be kept functioning (and even improved if possible). This does not give him license to cheat and give you a disease. This does not mean that you don't use birth control to avoid any more children who might be abandoned. This does not mean that your episodes are permitted to be degrading or disrespectful to you in any way.<P>This does mean that you look at what you can and should do to strengthen other areas where your marriage is tattered. This is one need of his you're meeting. Why does he think you can't/won't meet his other needs? <P>There is a (small) possibility that he is cynically trying to have his cake and eat it too (remember, he once committed to a marriage with you, and at least the legal part of the commitment still stands--it's hard to think he would be using and degrading you). <P>And of course you will hurt more if he ultimately leaves. But this remaining intimacy is a reason *not* to leave; while if it is abruptly halted, there is now an additional and important reason to continue to disassociate himself from you. <P>It's your heart that's being broken; no one else can make this call for you.<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited January 03, 2001).]

Sisyphus wrote ". . . But this remaining intimacy is a reason *not* to leave; while if it is abruptly halted, there is now an additional and important reason to continue to disassociate himself from you."<P>I hear you Sisyphus. If there is a chance for Rejected to keep the marriage together, affection and intimacy must be maintained. My STBX and I slept (sleep being the operative term here) together for two months until she moved out as a part of a trial separation. I had visions that we might be able to work it out but the lack of affection (which was what started this downward spiral 20 years ago) finished me off. It was terrible to "sleep" with my wife and not be able to even snuggle up to her and hug or kiss. If she had continued to treat me as though she loved me, we might still be together. I was not intimate with anyone else at the time either, but was good friends with several. Anyway, within one month of STBX moving out, I decided I had had enough and pulled the plug. And yes it hurt then, and it still does. But I will survive. <P>Rejected, stay the course if at all possible. I don't know your situation, but I wish you well. <BR>

My situation is different than anyone elses, and I need some advise. My HB and I are divorced, 1 year now. We lived in Missouri together at the time. After the divorce I moved to Texas. Two months later HB called to say "I'm sorry and missed me. Six months later he moves to Texas to be with me. First week in Texas, states he is confused and he thinks he made a mistake in coming to Texas after all. He states he does not want to remarry me. We sleep together (no sex) just sleep. I kept my patience and pray. Now after 4 months he has shown quite a bit of affection - holding hands,cuddling on couch only, wants me to with him every minute, cooks for me, treats me to dinner, birthday and Christmas gifts, help me with the laundry and good conversations. He meets all of my needs except no lovemaking. He attends church with me and we even just completed a 12-week course in "Marriage Intimincy class given by our church to improve ones marriage. We were the only couple out of 50 that were divorced. We learned alot and we both enjoyed it. The problem is - we have not discussed any other arrangements for the future. He and I seem afraid to bring it up. I really believe he still loves me and he shows it,but because of hurts in the marriage I think he's afraid of re-marring me. Afraid that we have not learned and changed. I'm not sure. We have discussed him moving out of the bedroom. He states he does not want to, but will go if I want him to. But I don't want him to leave, so here we are, sleeping together but no lovemaking. I'm the one who is confussed!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Crystal Dawn:<BR><B>He meets all of my needs except no lovemaking. He attends church with me and we even just completed a 12-week course in "Marriage Intimincy class given by our church to improve ones marriage. We were the only couple out of 50 that were divorced. We learned alot and we both enjoyed it. The problem is - we have not discussed any other arrangements for the future. He and I seem afraid to bring it up. I really believe he still loves me and he shows it,but because of hurts in the marriage I think he's afraid of re-marring me. Afraid that we have not learned and changed. I'm not sure. We have discussed him moving out of the bedroom. He states he does not want to, but will go if I want him to. But I don't want him to leave, so here we are, sleeping together but no lovemaking. I'm the one who is confussed!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Perhaps it would help if you cut and pasted your whole story into a new posting, and give it an eye-catching title like: XH Moved Back, but No Sex, No Ring!!??? Huh?<P>I'm lost on this one. I can't imagine being with a woman I love and not wanting to make love to her. Have you got a whole man here or are you his "mommy"? If it's really hurts in the marriage, those must have been pretty big hurts--I can't imagine them not manifesting themselves behaviorally in other ways. What can you say to reassure him? What could you do to tantalize him?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B> Perhaps it would help if you cut and pasted your whole story into a new posting, and give it an eye-catching title like: XH Moved Back, but No Sex, No Ring!!??? Huh?<P>I'm lost on this one. I can't imagine being with a woman I love and not wanting to make love to her. Have you got a whole man here or are you his "mommy"? If it's really hurts in the marriage, those must have been pretty big hurts--I can't imagine them not manifesting themselves behaviorally in other ways. What can you say to reassure him? What could you do to tantalize him?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I called and spoke with my pastor last night. He stated because my XH has a problem with his dominating, controlling, self-centered mother who calls to lay guilt trips on him for growing up and leaving her. That XH probably is confused about what love is and therefore, can't understand or accept my unconditional love. I don't criticize, because I have reconized that XH does have low self-esteem. I love him so much therefore, I have always made a point in praising him or to just call to say "I Love You". He does need counseling for him to deal with this and to understand why he feels the way he does. Not so sure he would go. I did also last night ask XH to leave our bed and move into the other bedroom which he did. Perhaps, if I don't make myself always available for companionship, he might start thinking of what he really has and is about to lose. <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Crystal Dawn:<BR><B>Perhaps, if I don't make myself always available for companionship, he might start thinking of what he really has and is about to lose. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>IMHO, the problem is not just his. *Y0U* need to see that *you* are attempting a "tit-for-tat" withdrawal of your meeting of some of his needs in an effort to coerce (I'm using harsh words here, sorry, but you need a slap in the face) him into desiring you sexually. It's ludicrous. Why would you punish him in response to what his mother is doing? Do you think it can be solved so simply? You're not going to get what you want this way. You're only going to cause the both of you more pain. <P>This is not to say that I expect you to live the rest of your life with a person who won't make love to you. That's not a husband, and you wouldn't be a wife.<P>You need to get into the "His Needs/Her Needs" type books, and get some background in sexual dysfunction--it could even be that his attitude is hiding a *physical* problem that he is not psychologically ready to face. None of us here *knows* exactly what's going on. I just don't want you doing what pops into your head without a sound basis. If necessary, ask your minister about your planned course of action ... perhaps not the most scientific thinking, but better than going it alone.<P>And if you get your own thread (subject, topic, whatever you want to call it), you'll get an e-mail whenever someone replies to it. Right now, my answers to are creating reminders in REJECTED's e-mail in-box, and her problem is exactly the *opposite* of yours so all this probably just annoys her.<BR>