Hello to my group therapists,<P>I find myself posting a lot these last few days...guess its round 43 of the depression rollercoaster cycle.<P>I finally got my stbx to agree to tell me the truth about when/where/who the OW is/was (the crappy details). We even argue about whether she actually is an official OW since he insists they were nothing but the very casualest of acquaintances until after he moved out and told me he wanted a divorce. Then, supposedly, it moved to some dates and finally a relationship. (Of course he fails to realize that we hadn't filed a single piece of paper before he was at "relationship" stage...but that's just mincing words I guess).<P>Anyway, through all the lies and half-truths he's told over the last 4 months - I have become obsessed with my need to know the real truth, the real time line (was he really sleeping with her and I at the same time???? during our separation), the thoughts that were motivating him to just ignore our 15 year marriage, etc. I have this morbid curiosity to know the details and the longer it goes that I don't know the truth, it seems the bigger and worse my imagination gets.<P>I told him yesterday (by email conversation) that reality couldn't possibly be worse than what I've decided he's guilty of in my imganation (where I've filled in the unknown gaps) and, heck, if the truth is less awful maybe he might actually get some of my respect for him back. (It won't make me hate her any less...but he is the father of my children so I'd be willing to cut him some slack ). He agreed to answer all of my questions truthfully...Do I have any guarantees that it is the actual truth?...no...but at this point we're only 6 weeks from a finalized divorce and the settlement is done, so what does he have to gain from lying now?<P>Does anyone else have this insatiable need to know the crappy details? What drives this? Just a need to try to understand a person that you thought you understood? Will it help me to let go if I can stop obsessing about it?<P>He answered the less traumatic questions yesterday - like how and when they met (friend of someone he works with who came into his office a lot - he found out she was divorcing someone he'd graduated with - a dinner conversation was born), the fact that he wasn't dating her exclusively in the beginning (I was hearing reports of him out with a woman - we all assumed it was always the same woman...apparently not at that time). He left the sex questions and what his intentions are once we (and she) are divorced unanswered (there are kids involved in both disintegrating marriages) because I had to go...he hasn't emailed today. Not sure how to get him back into that communicative mode. A little scared of what he might tell me.<P>Really wish I could emotionally detach like he has clearly done...indifference would make my life so much easier right now.<P>Thanks for the ear...again.<P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>---------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.

Well, evolution would suggest that a female survives better if she can gauge whether her male is going to stick around, provide support, etc.--she knows whether to continue investing her energies into this male, or look for another attachment elsewhere. Details of his extracurriculars helps one to do that.<P>From a social standpoint, people who lack information they want are perceived as less powerful and prestigious than people who *have* information. Your ability to obtain the truth from him shows others your capability and skill, and his weakness in being made to confess (of course, if he were bragging to you or others, and you could make him shut up, that would also be a coup). <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited January 03, 2001).]

My situation is a little different than yours since I still don’t know if there was OM involved in my divorce or not, but the core reason for our quest of knowledge could be the same. I wanted my ex to be completely honest with me and to tell me EVERYTHING there was to tell me because I was looking for an answer. I NEEDED to know what had caused this sudden change in our relationship and how long she had been unhappy in our marriage. Mostly though, I just needed the answer to what I thought was a very simple question, WHY?<P>I never believed that I have heard everything from my ex that she has to tell, but I have heard everything there is to be said. Maybe she had reasons that she just can’t express, maybe just feelings from inside that told her this was the right thing to do. Regardless, it doesn’t matter anymore as the result is the same. A part of me would still like to know if there was OM drawing her away, but she still denies it to this day and has not shown anything to indicate that she is lying about that.<P>I really have just accepted that idea that my wife was still very young in many ways and this may very well be the first thing she has done in her life to stand on her own two feet. I don’t like how I have been hurt because of this, but I am proud of her for doing what she felt was right to attain her own happiness. I wish things had been handled differently, but I love this woman and our individual happiness has to take precedence over all else. If we weren’t meant to be, then there has to be something better for each of us down the road. <BR><P>------------------<BR>“What does not kill me only makes me stronger”<BR> -F. Neitzsche