No longer numb and bleak, but facing the ugly reality both my wife and I have tried to ignore all these years.<p>We got married for the wrong reasons. We were both hurt and needy, and could fill those immediate needs for each other.<p>The problem is, we both now are facing the fact that we're trapped in a relationship that had a very poor foundation and has only built superficially on that for nine years.<p>Like I said earlier, she "doesn't want to be in this relationship." I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want me, so I'm faced with the harsh reality too.<p>But since we have kids, and she and they depend upon me for income and as a father, we can't just amicably divorce. If we didn't have the kids, I know she would have left me years ago.<p>I talked to her minutes ago, asking if she'd read my note, and she said "sure. what do you want from me?" "I wanted you to know I hadn't forgotten what you'd said." "That's good, and I can see you're making an effort. But I still don't want to be in this relationship."<p>I can't live here without affection and admiration - those are my needs. She doesn't know what to do, so she chooses to do nothing because she doesn't like the options she has to face. I guess she's given in to just drifting along until a better time down the road.<p>So here's my question: Anyone else out there get married "for the wrong reason" but manage to find a really good reason to be married later on in life? One that will help both say "For this, I love you and want to grow old with you."<p>-Tom

Tom:<p>I'm going to assume that your wife is not having an affair right now. From what you state, she's acting in ways that suggest that she might be, but clearly she's not 'in love' with you.<p>I heard the "I married you for the wrong reasons", "I don't want to be married to you", "I never loved you" from my wife a year or so ago. She was in an affair. I was 'numb' and things were very, very bleak.<p>Well, today my wife and I are very much in love. And she thinks that 'I'm the best husband she could imagine'.<p>Where'd the change come from? How'd I do it?<p>Follow the rules here: The rules of Protection (Eliminate Lovebusters), Care (Fill Emotional Needs), Time (spend time w/ your spouse), and Honesty (complete, total). You should start by learning to eliminate lovebusters: disrespectful judgements, angry outbursts, selfish demands, dishonesty. See if you could get your wife to fill out a lovebusters questionnaire (available on the web site), and ask her to go over it with you.<p>I'd strongly suggest that you purchase Give and Take (#1), Lovebusters (#2), and His Needs/Her Needs (#3). Learn (really learn) what's inside. Do it with a marriage counselor. Preferrably both of you, but if she won't go, do it yourself.<p>You both have changed over the last 9 years. If you both could magically meet people who would fill your current needs, you'd probably be right back in the same situation in another 5 years. <p>You need to learn how to adapt to each other. To communicate respectfully. To put each other and each other's happiness 'first'. The Marriage Builders principles are behaviorally based; anyone can learn to do these things. Even very stubborn people with ingrained behaviors (like me) can 'magically' change.<p>You have children together. You have the reason to stay married and work on it. You don't want to show your kids that marriage is a facade, and misery lurks below the surface. You want to show them that marriage is a partnership; that it can take sacrifice, but that when two people decide to do that together, magic can happen. <p>From a practical standpoint, I would try to avoid focusing too much on YOUR needs, and see if you can identify your lovebusters, and make a plan to eliminate them (with your wife). That's the best way to get her attention. When you make the marriage safe for her, she'll be more willing to try meeting your needs.

Why did you get married in the first place? Were you living together before the marriage?<p>

We got married because we both were very fragile at the time. I thought I'd never find anyone who would love me, and she felt sorry for me and needed someone to cry to.<p>Really stupid reasons to get married.<p>But we've stuck together for nearly nine years, and now she reveals she's tired of it.<p>I find that I am too, but at the same time I'd like to build our marriage over for the right reasons, including our children's well-being (not JUST for the sake of the children).<p>I tend to live here and now; I solve immediate problems, and do not like to spend time planning and thinking ahead. This is what drives her crazy - she feels like she has to be the one carrying the weight of the whole family, responsible for everyone and everything, every decision and every goal, and that I'm just along for the ride, to be sort of a "janitor".<p>She'd like to hand over some of the responsibilities, but feels I'm incapable of handling any of them and so she keeps hanging on to the whole thing, and is miserable about it.<p>I probably told you more than you wanted to hear, but maybe someone else has moved past this and can offer some helpful hints.<p>-Tom

Tom,<p>Why don't you ask to take on one or two of the 'long term' responsibilities that your wife complains about? And DO IT WELL.<p>Try this one step at a time. I know that I used to leave all the kids 'school' stuff (parent meetings, day outings) to my wife. When I learned how much that bothered her, I started doing that together with her. She loves it: a big deposit in the love bank every time. And it's nothing onerous for me: I like it too.<p>Try something along those lines, but you have to stick with it. If you don't, you'll be in worse shape.

BRAVO, K!!! Good answers!<p>Tom, listen to everything K says. He's got it right and has proven it by experience. Nothing will get better if you and she live your lives as they are now. You can't force a change on someone else so the only way to improve is to change yourself. The result will come in the end, with time.

I got married 27 years ago when I was 19 and she was 18. We had been together since she was 15 and I was 16. She got pregnant when she was 16. Has she not gotten pregnant, I'm not at all sure we would have married. We had another child 8 years after marrying.<p>It is too complicated to explain, but I came to the realization years ago that we were not ideally matched, but I know of few who are. I do not know what her reasons are for staying, but mine are (1.) kids (2) outside relationships (not affairs) filled the void (3) unwilling to take the step of divorce in case it turned out to be a mistake.(4) I have seen a lot worse marriages (5) too numerous to list.<p>We have very little common interest. I own a business which she has never helped me with no matter how much I needed her to. Her parents are ignorant idiots who think they know everything, and they have meddled in our life tremendously. I have always been treated with distance, disrespect and a lack of acceptance by her clannish family.. She is the mirror of her family's views, which I resent. My family doesn't even count, and we must spend every holiday at her parents place.When they insult me, which is nearly every time I see them, she laughs with them. I tell my sons to make sure they have met their girlfriend's family before they get serious, because she is going to be a lot like them.<p>To get a divorce now would cost me at least half of the business I built solely on my own. However, life is short, and I may end up there after all.<p>I would advise anyone to make sure you really know your spouse before marrying. Make sure you are mature enough to recognize the difference between glands and hormonal attraction, and the foundation for a meaningful enduring relationship. Otherwise, you are building the foundation of your life on quicksand, and may, like I, realize it too late to not do major destruction on the work of your life. Some differences are too great to resolve.

Well, things are better now.<p>We've gone through two sessions of counseling and have come to some concrete realizations about who we are and what we want.<p>It comes down to her need for me to be more responsible, and to be more "fun" (my natural tendency is toward the routine and unexciting). Also, my need for her to be less anxious about EVERY DETAIL of our current and future circumstances, and for her to control her anger.<p>I know that for every couple there will be plenty of incompatibilities, but that with effort on both our parts we can overcome them and live well together, and meet each other's needs.<br>