Well, my husband finally left. <P>Let me give some background. My husband have been married 4 yrs (anniversary was Jan. 1)been together 8. We have 2 kids ages 5 and 3. <BR>We have had a lot of problems the past 4 months. My mother died 6 1/2 months ago and I am sure that has a lot to do with it. Once we started having the problems, my husband kept saying he was going to leave. That lasted 3 months and last Thurs. I came home from work and told him if he was going to leave he had to leave. <BR>He pack some of his clothes and left. I was devestated. <BR>Needless to say, he has put me through a lot. He completely withdrew from me, stay over his cousins house a lot and barley communicated with me. He told me he is going through a lot too. He thinks he need counseling - but hasn't taken an effort to go. <BR>I just don't know what to do. He came over Mon and got some more of his clothes and stuff. He said he would be back but he didn't know when. A part of me wants him back now, but I don't want to go through all of the craziness again. It's only been a week and I can't stop thinking about him. I want to call him but I know it will hurt too much. I just wish I didn't have to lose 2 people that mean so much to me.<P>Please give any advise.<P>Thanks.

Find a referral to the best counselor you can. Your local hospital, mental health agency, church, etc. should be able to provide one. <P>See if he will accompany you. If not, you go alone. Review all the literature you can on this site. Order some books by Dr. Harley, or perhaps John Gottman, or perhaps Michele Weiner-Davis. <P>Somewhere along the lines, you stopped meeting his needs adequately. On the other hand, "Well, my husband finally left" seems to bespeak some relief on your part. "A part of me wants him back, but I don't want to go through all of the craziness again" -- I would suggest that if he was your #1 choice at some time in the past, he's probably a better choice now than you will likely find--especially since you already have children. <P>This does not mean that you eat dirt in order to keep the marriage together. This does mean that you and he get someone between you helping you to work out your feelings, dreams, expectations, problems, anger, resentment, hurt, guilt, shame, etc. Most of which will be off-the-mark when you really start to examine it dispassionately.<P>Having lost your mother, you lost both an outlet for your feelings and an advisor to help keep you in line. Your husband wasn't ready to take on those roles, and perhaps he should not have been expected to. Plus, you just plain had grief from losing your mother. Maybe he should have handled that better, but savvy women are aware of this common male shortcoming and do their best to make allowances for it, even when it's painful to do so.<P>Think of your children first, yourself second, and him third. But don't forget to think of him. It's clear you still love him ... that love is being tested now as never before. It's fantastic that he knows he needs counseling. You need to make that the most attractive option in his life by whatever carrots and sticks you can muster.

It isn't easy.<P>I left my husband in june of 1999.<BR>(really told him i wanted to leave)<BR>He was court ordered out.<BR>My daughter in Feb 2000 accused my father of an unspeakable act.<P>So in six months i lost both my parents and my husband.<P>I tried going back to my husband for support and ended up getting beat up 3x. <BR>....pathetically enough sharing him with his new girlfriend. (If he wasn't with me, he was with her.)<P>Today i left that relationship behind.<BR>Again i left.<P>I treasure him.<BR>I tried to hang in there.<BR>Waiting for his promise of church and counselling. Everythime i brought it up he'd clam up. I realized his offer and statements were false.<P>I got involved in this group of people that make me feel so REAL. It's that understanding and feeling, good or bad, i have been looking for. <BR>As everyday passes, now i feel stronger and encouraged, like i'm going places. I have even made babysteps into my career again.<P>I had some skeletons but i have been dealing with them for a while now. So, counselling took place for me. I am dealing with my hurt, when i was and wasn't with him.<BR>Things i did wrong too.<P>So my point in story sharing is that i chose to end the relationship 2x and i was hurt both times. It took me a long time to realize how much i cared for him. It runs VERY deep. But last year i felt devasted. I felt like i had nothing. But today i feel encouraged and treasured and whole.<BR>So there is light but look inward. Accept the things you need to work on and you'll feel better in the end. If he cames back then he can benefit (if he's willing to look inward at himself)<P>Marriages ending aren't easy, but realizing the points and what got you there is impowering!<BR>God bless.