How many of you decided to "date" after your divorces and how many of you found yourself in "relationships"?Do you consider it to be rebound?

When I first found out about my exH's affair my first reaction was "Well if he has someone, I am going to get someone". I have dated occasionally since March but have not met anyone that I really liked. I think that even though I was so hurt I did instinctively know that I was not emotionally ready for another relationship. I also thought initially that my exH would get out of his fog and value our family over his personal happiness but now realize that family is not important to him (or rather our family was not important to him).<BR>I want to continue to meet new people but first want to get ok with myself and be happy with the life I have even if that means being alone.

We were sep off and on for two years, then the divorce was final. I did not date anyone during the sep, but did date some after the divorce. I did get reaquainted with an old family friend and am now dating him exclusively. <BR>I went to counseling and counseled with Steve Harley from MB during the two years. That really helped me be able to move on with my life. I will not look at remarring until at least two years ( it has been one), as I still need to work on myself somemore.<BR>Do I consider this a rebound relationship? I enjoy his company, I like being a two some again, but I do not feel like this is a rebound thing. That is why I will wait longer to think about remarriage. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<p>[This message has been edited by sue (edited January 05, 2001).]

Yes, I dated before my d. was final. Yes, it was rebound. I was in denial about it. He was divorced too. We had great chemistry and oh so much in common. He was the polar opoosite of my ex. I found things fine for about the first month. Then I strated getting uncharacteristically anxious. I wouldn't eat or sleep right and I was almost physically ill if he didn't call me at a certain time. I was in constant fear of being dumped. Eventually, we cooled things off because he felt the same way and realized that it wasn't healthy. He had issues with his ex that he hadn't dealt with. I have a long way to go to become secure again.

I think when you enter into a new relationship with someone new there's butterflies and anxiety. (hurt still exists.)<P>I am always nervous about the date showing up on time, or at all.<P>My ex instilled this in me. So it's quite refreshing to see that not all men are so flagerant about "their scheduled needs" forgeting that there is someone waiting that deserves consideration.<P>Another difference is that while I feel uncomfortable about certain situations my dates pick up on this and tell me that it's okay and there is plenty of time. <P>So I never feel compelled to do anything.<P>While I realize a relationship isn't what i need/want right now it is so nice to go out and enjoy the company of someone even if it is only once or twice.<P>The first 2 guys after my separation however had this whole "relationship" thing worked out in their heads. They're bitter still. But I am so relieved because that's too possessive too quickly.

Hello rtn2,<P>You certainly are picking quite the flame starting topics this week! <P>I'll answer your question. I dated during the divorce process. I do feel that was a rebound. People told me not to do it, but I did what I felt comfortable with at the time.<P>I dated after my divorce, and it was then , that I felt truly free and able to open up the way I should have. <P>Sure I have some things I wish I did different, but you can't undo it. I also learned a lot about relationships and am comfortable with where I am right now in life.<P>I can see where the lawyer got the 2 year rule, but hey, I bet he's making the big bucks!<P>Dana<P><BR>

Don't get me wrong Dana, this 2 year rule is something friends and family and even people on here refer to as a good time frame to date.<P>I'm sure everybody has gotten dating rules after the "big D"<P>I find myself as time goes on more willing and comfortable in different situations.<BR>But there is still the voice in the back of my head implanted by bad remarks my ex or others have said to me over the years. <BR>A friend recently stated these feelings as a form of brainwashing and it takes time to undo.<BR>I'm also guilty of making harsh statements to my ex in the latter part of our marriage. Which i have spent the last several months telling him i am so sorry for.

rtn2,<P>I think we all made harsh statements in the latter part of marriage. Especially before we knew what a lovebuster was!!!<P>I can see how 2 years would be good. The more common I have heard is 1 year. A good friend said you should go thru 1 of everything alone, the first anniversary, first xmas, etc. <P>The book that helped me in my journey thru it was Rebuilding after the relationship ends. It makes a lot of sense. Someone else posted about a book called Too Close Too SOon, that I'd like to read next.<P>Even though many people here are venturing into dating before 2 years, I think that its going to be ok for them because they are going at it with their eyes open and took time to learn while they were here, and they have grown tremendously too.<P>Unfortunately, even though everyone has a different timeline to heal, and whats good for one, may not be good for another, I still feel that the first relationship after divorce will be very hard either way because you are now going thru things you haven't in ten or more years! Its scary to date again!!<P>Dana<BR>

One other thing I noticed when my new relationsip failed was this wierd oscillating back and forth between "grief." I really liked this new guy so I had to deal with the rejection, hurt, self-doubt, and longing for him as well as my grief and anger over my marriage. I find myself feeling dissapointed about him and then ten minutes later angry over a sock I found under the bed that belonged to my ex. Obviously not healthy. I heard somewhere here that when you are ready to be dumped again is when you are ready for a new relationship. I also agree with Dana's idea of going through the first everything alone. It sounds sadistic, but the pain is kind of healthy. You can come out the other side knowing that you did it without relying on a salve of some sort to numb your hurt and loneliness. Now if I could only truly believe all this in my heart and apply it to my life. . . .

I like and did that first everything alone thing.<BR>ooommmgsh.<P>But i wasn't entirely alone because i had my daughter.<P>I haven't been brave enough to want a "relationship" yet.<P>But there have been a few guys that i have missed once we stopped going out to dinners or shows or just sitting around talking.<P>I think that's because in the back of my head i keep wondering what it is they really want. Certain phrases remind me of bitter times with the ex and it turns me off completely.<P>But then again i also spent time with my ex after finding out my daughter was abused and i guess you could say.... he was my rebound when the separation took place. And i was the other woman in my own marriage because when him and i spent time together he was already living with someone else.