How many of you have considered moving to escape the constant exposure to your ex or stbx and their OP?<P>The town I live in is pretty small, my stbx was in a full fledged relationship within 2 weeks of moving out of our 15 year marriage. I tried everything to bring him around but he would have none of it. I just don't know if I can face or want to deal with facing his new life...nor do I want to watch my children play "family" with him and her when they visit their father.<P>I can't make a sudden move since I am a teacher and have to finish out this school year anyway...but I really am thinking that leaving this town and going somewhere else would free me in some way. Allow me to not feel like I have to scan the parking lot before I go into the grocery store so I won't be confronted with what feels like cheating happening right in front of me.<P>Is this running away or self preservation? I have no other ties to this town except my husband's family and our mutual friends that he seems to have claimed all for him/her. This was his hometown.<P>For those of you who did move - do you still think it was a good idea? Did it make your emotional healing easier? Advice????<P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>---------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.

I'm really not in the position to move.<BR>Ex also put a clause stating that i couldn't move out of the county.<P>Although he has been talking of moving out of the city we live in and I really hope he does! <P>After all is said and done I think it isn't either state. It's a matter of starting over in an area to call your own. Feeling a type of independant stability.<P>It must feel VERY difficult to feel on your own being in his home town.<P>Is it possible to keep your job and move farther out of town to give you peace????<BR>While I realize this would mean a drive to work would it be worth it?<BR>Then again can you tranfer for the next year?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by soon2b_alone:<BR><B>How many of you have considered moving to escape the constant exposure to your ex or stbx and their OP?<P>I really am thinking that leaving this town and going somewhere else would free me in some way. Allow me to not feel like I have to scan the parking lot before I go into the grocery store so I won't be confronted with what feels like cheating happening right in front of me.<P>Is this running away or self preservation? I have no other ties to this town except my husband's family and our mutual friends that he seems to have claimed all for him/her. This was his hometown.<P>Advice????</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think it depends what you want. It seems that they're haunting you. Perhaps in time if you stay, it is you who will be haunting them--gradually peeling away his friends and his own family by subtle means. If you *could* stand to bump into them, and arranged for it to happen often ... well, I can't imagine a more effective monkeywrench.<P>Or it may take moving away to give you a new start ... in a new place ... without constant reminders of what you've endured.<P>I didn't move away, but the XW did. It was painful when she left. And doubly painful when she came back, especially her bizarre choice of location.

Sisyphus,<P>What do I want? Peace. Emotional peace. My mind back from the separation/divorce fog I've been in. My self-confidence back. A stomach that doesn't feel like it's twisted in 40 knots everytime I have to drive down his street and see her car parked out front (he lives on a main street through town).<P>I've read two different schools of thought: One says I'll get over it more quickly if I am desensitized to their relationship by being forced to deal with it regularly. The other says I'll be able to let go of the feelings of betrayal/rejection/jealousy if I have time to process it without being constantly bombarded/assaulted by it.<P>It would be so much easier if we didn't share kids - but we do, and he's an involved dad (just one with incredibly poor judgement and self-centered tendencies at the moment).<P>I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't and trapped, trapped, trapped in a town/situation that I never wanted. I detect a note of despair in my own voice and think "that's not me." But, while dealing with all this, "that" is who I've become. <P>What do I want? I want "me" back and to feel safe.<P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>---------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.

Hi Lisa,<P>Well, being a teacher gives you quite a bit of flexibility in career moves. I think one thing you need to weigh is how much you really like where you are living now against how uncomfortable you are there. Another factor is the kids. Moving can be tough on them and it interferes with visitation issues.<P>I personally really like the area I'm in, and I'm definitely tied to this place by my career, for now. I don't see my STBX or the boy scout very often, so it hasn't been nearly as much of an issue for me as for you. My best advice is search deep within your heart and do what is best for you, regardless of whether or not the "conventional" wisdom agrees or not.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again<BR><p>[This message has been edited by c00ker (edited January 05, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by soon2b_alone:<BR><B>It would be so much easier if we didn't share kids - but we do, and he's an involved dad (just one with incredibly poor judgement and self-centered tendencies at the moment).<P>I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't and trapped, trapped, trapped in a town/situation that I never wanted.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>You're almost certainly damned if you do (move, that is). The kids should be your #1 concern, and dad (execrable as he is) exerts a vital influence in their lives.<P>Whether you're damned if you don't is up to you. I can't say I envy your situation. But I have an inkling that if you conduct yourself with restraint and valor, you will earn the respect of everyone who knows the situation, while he begins a long, slow, spiral down in their estimations.<P>Is there someplace better for you? Only you can judge that. I wouldn't live in an icky town just to spite my XW. But you need to weigh whether life will really be better if you uproot and go elsewhere. Sometimes people who know you can be mighty helpful, even if right now they seem to be siding with the opposition. The in-laws could be a case in point. Are you going to move to be near the children's *other* set of GPs? If not, why not? And even if you would be moving toward your own parents, which set would you rather have them hang around with (I can think of facts and circumstances that would make that a really tough question: Money vs. Old Fashioned Values, etc.)?

The pain you feel seeing the OW will lessen ( to a dull aching throb, rather than feeling like your head and chest will explode - I've been there) but the hurt you would cause your children, by taking them away from their father would not.<P>If he were not an involved father, that would be different. But this is another one of the times, you just have to bear the pain for the kid's sake.<P>And think it through another step - if you leave the area - you face putting your children on planes alone, for long visits when they play family, and allow her to have your husband on her terms for most of the time. I'm sure she would love if you moved away - you would be disappearing, and making her life much easier - because as hard as it is for you to see her - I would guess it is hard for her to see you - and hard it will get harder and harder for her to share your husband with his "old responsibilities".<P>It really does get better, don't make any huge decisions when you are emotional, and have pain as the reason - those are the choices that you may regret.

My hometown is about 114 miles down the road. My brother lives there, friends I grew up with, etc.<P>My former-in-laws to be do not really support me since I am the one who showed them their son is less than the perfect human being they thought him to be. This is not something they want to acknowledge. They support him in his efforts to "move on" including babysitting my kids while he goes out on dates with OW. They have always been good to my children, in a manipulative/guilt laden sort of way (if you loved us you would skip spending the night at your friends house and spend time with us).<P>My son who will be starting high school has said he wouldn't want to move and would prefer to stay with his dad during the school year. My daughter who would be going into 5th grade thinks it would be fun to move (she's pretty disgusted with her dad right now). So there's that wrinkle too.<P>It just stinks to think that I should have to always be the one to pay the emotional price in order to do "what's right" for everyone else.<P>Whine, whine, whine...I want my mommy.... <P>Lisa

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by soon2b_alone:<BR><B>My former-in-laws to be do not really support me since I am the one who showed them their son is less than the perfect human being they thought him to be. This is not something they want to acknowledge. They support him in his efforts to "move on" including babysitting my kids while he goes out on dates with OW. They have always been good to my children, in a manipulative/guilt laden sort of way (if you loved us you would skip spending the night at your friends house and spend time with us).</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Your gracious behavior will change their attitudes toward you over time. They will accept you more if you show yourself to be reasonable, and also loving to their grandchildren. Don't speak ill of them to your kids, make sure you tell them it's not the GPs' fault that the marriage broke up, and that you still like them, even if they're not supportive of you. Tell your kids you expect your GPs to understand someday, and for now you're willing to wait until you're one of their favorite people again (never mind what you're having to swallow in order to say this to your kids). <P>

Of course it's harder to take the high road. It requires a lot more effort....<P>But the view is a lot better, especially the one in the mirror each morning. <P>If you can stand it, (and I think you can) do what's best for your kids. It's going to be uncomfortable for awhile, but it will almost certainly make you a stronger person. And I'm almost positive that it will get better. Just don't ask me when <P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Oh Lisa,<P>it is soooo hard. Can't believe with limited time with the kids, he goes out on dates. grrrrrr. <P>And there is that line between children following through on family responsibilities rather than "fun" vs. your parents-in-law using guilt to make them see them.<P>Sometimes I sound like a broken record here, advising people to try to separate from the emotion, and look at the situation objectively - it sounds like you may be moving in awhile if he drifts away from your daughter, but while your son wants to stay here, just bite your lip, and do your haughtiest Queen Victoria impression when you see OW. <P>And imagine that you will be there, when she slips on Sisyphus' banana peel... it will happen! <P>And hi Sisyphus, nice to see things coming along for you.

Sadly, disappointly, begrudgingly, I know you all are right - that for the sake of my kids I should stay here - ugh,ugh,ugh.<P>The one perk I can see from that decision (here's the green-eyed monster speaking) is that when their double-rebound/two divorced family relationship blows up .... please, oh please, oh please let it be soon...at least I'll get to watch from a safe distance as they get a little of what's coming to them both. <P>I honestly believe I can deal with him being involved with someone new - an innocent party - just not the ...I need to find a good term for her...I like cOOker's "boy scout" phrase...hmmm....just not the little nursie (she's an RN). Apparently, my husband liked to play doctor more than he let on. <P>It looks like its an 8 year prison sentence for me then (until my youngest graduates)...I guess I'm in good company since the state pennitentiary is here <P>Lisa<p>[This message has been edited by soon2b_alone (edited January 05, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by soon2b_alone:<BR><B>I need to find a good term for her...just not the little nursie (she's an RN).</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nurse Ratchet? I'm always amazed at people who go to school to study nursing. First thing I ever learned to do, and I never forgot how.<P>

Sisyphus: lol<P>I like Nurse Ratchet...sort of puts my stbx in the cuckoo's nest too which is right where he belongs about now - if only I could be the one to hold the lobotomy tray....<P>Lisa