I have posted a couple of replies on another topic but decided to start this one to see if I could get some help. <p>My husband is leaving me. One of the reasons, he says, is that we are different religions. He is going the Mormon way and I am Pentecostal. Any way, the point is, in these two religions, there is the same God. His religion believes somewhat differently than mine. But it is the SAME God. Not like he or I worship some statue! But I told him that I would be willing to try his church and try to understand his way of beliefs. He thinks I only want to do that because I'm afraid of losing him. I am afraid of losing him, but I wouldn't change beliefs because of it. I thought maybe I MIGHT like it and eventually change. That would make it easier. Maybe I wouldn't change, but who knows? I've tried other things because he liked them, and I ended up liking them too. To me, this is no different. Is it? If the religion "thing" was set aside, I wonder what other problems there might be? I said that I wouldn't try to talk to him about this anymore. If he wanted to talk, he knows where I am. He usually starts talking as soon as we go to bed. So, I sit around all day wondering what tonight is going to be like.<p>Has anyone here ever gone through this? How important is religion in a marriage? Keep in mind, that when we first got married, he didn't believe in God. It was only after our daughter was born, that he changed. She is now 3 months old.<p>How do I ask him to get counseling without looking like I'm trying to make him stay? I don't want to make him do anything he doesn't want to. He is the master of his own decisions. I can't change his way of thinking, but I would at least like him to try to understand the consequences of what he is doing. I told him that I won't wait for him to come back this time. Not sure if that was right or wrong, but it's done now. I just want him to be sure. I wish I was sure of what he was doing. It still hurts now as I type this. I'm trying not to cry because it really makes me mad when I do. I always cry in front of him. I wish, for once that I could cry behind his back. Because when I do cry, I want him to hold me. And that just can't happen.<p>So, any ideas on this long winded thing? I would apprecitate any replies.

Tenaya,<p>At the risk of being attacked and hated by every Religious denomination on the board, Mormons and Pentacostals DO NOT worship the same God. Harley does have some material on couples with different faiths here on the site, but from what I read, not enough to solve your problem.<p>(A little background) I am a member of an Evangelical Free Bible church, and my wife is a Christian Scientist. Even though on the surface, we seem to have the same God, we don't. I wasn't aware of this before we were married. Basically, talk of religion is nearly verboten in our home. (Because any serious talk will always lead to arguments and hard feelings.)<p>Not that it's the answer you want to hear, but If you're serious about your religion (and your husband, his) you will have a very difficult time living together. The more serious you become about your faith, the more each will believe the other is so misled. (Notice that I didn't say who is right or wrong. )<p> God intended for HIMSELF to be the most important thing in our lives ("The chief purpose of man is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever")Even above our spouse. <p>The Bible does say that by your example, you may be instrumental in bringing a non-believing spouse to salvation. This may be a reason for sticking it out. <p>If your husband is at all open-minded, you BOTH might find Walter Martin's "Kingdom of the cults" to be very enlightening reading. But be warned, he doesn't mince any words when he talks about Biblical Christianity and non-Christian religions.<p>Val<br>(The Husband)<br>Val_VV@Yahoo.com (those are all "V"s, not "W".<p>PS. Since this is a Marriage forum and not a religious own, anyone desiring to call me "intolerant" or any variation of that should e-mail me privately at Val_Vv@Yahoo.com. I don't want to get into a big theological debate, but I am willing to stand behind what I say - and willing to apologize publicly if I misspoke publicly.<p>Also Tenaya, if you feel comfortable doing so, send me a private e-mail. I'd like to run some things by you and not be stoned by the crowd <p>[This message has been edited by V (edited 01-08-99).]

Val - you have not been too hard.<p>Tenaya - OK - I am not religious, but very tolerant of how others want to live their lives.<p>Religion is your choice to be made by yourself, not by your H, and certainly not following your H to his religion to save your marriage. Had your marriage been stable, my comment may have been different. What religion is your family? please keep them in mind too.<p>Janet

Tenaya,<br>Since this new faith of his is only months old, he's still very much in the learning stage. Mormanism may be different than he now perceives it to be and time may be your ally. If it were a denominational difference (my H raise Methodist, me Lutheran) I would say find a church you both like and worship there. But your problem is bigger than that. (Although my brother and sister-in-law are different kinds of Lutheran and they haven't agreed for 25 years and this is part of their divorce.) If I were you, in addition to keeping lines of communication very open with your H, I would seek counsel from my pastor. A Pentecostal pastor should have a great deal to say on the topic of Mormanism and whether or not it is something you should try.

Hi again,<p>Tenaya, Lor, Janet,<p>What you say about him being "young" in his faith IS a factor that could very well be to tenaya's advantage. We need to keep in mind that some religions keep certain parts of their doctrine "secret" until you are firmly entrenched in the denomination. A lot has to do with how open-minded tenaya's H is and how much he will yield to the ultimate authority of all true Christian religions - the Bible. If you both judge ALL things by God's word, things will work out very nicely!<p>Unfortunately, Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, and Christian Scientists (to name just a few) have their own "denominational Textbooks" that the elders (or whatever the leaders are called) will insist that new members/converts read - usually to the exclusion of, or certainly before - the Bible. By doing this, they are keeping their young members from reading and seeing the truth, because they would then see how error-filled some religions really are.<p>As for being tolerant, it certainly has it's place. Some Christians insist that their denomination's veiw is the only one. (Views of the Lord's Table or what role women should play in the church are the only ones that come to mind at the moment.) Most mainline Christian leaders will admit that these are really not "critical" issues and should not divide Christians. This is "majoring in the minors" - a waste of time and just an arguing point.<p>Unfortunately, differing on the "major" points of salvation are really hard to tolerate in a mate. Not because you have to be "right" and they have to be "wrong", but because of your love for them. If you believe that certain things are required (by God) for salvation, and your spouse's religion teaches something different, it's very difficult to tolerate this knowing that your spouse is not saved and will not be with you when you leave this earth. How can you really love them, yet allow them you follow a path that leads away from salvation?<p>In essence, it's not how their religion affects them while they are alive, but how it affects them when they shake off their mortal coil. (Not that how their religion teaches them to LIVE isn't important too!)<p>Stepping down from pulpit,<br>Val<p>[This message has been edited by V (edited 01-08-99).]

Tenaya,<p>You have alot to think over but I thought you should know something. It is not the practice of those is the mormon church to tell others to leave their spouse because they do not believe as they do. If your H is using this excuse it is just that. I don't think there would be any harm in looking into his church if you do not feel that strong towards your own but don't do it for him. Ones religious believe should be something that can lift and edify themselves. We are all at different stages and need different things. I am going to go out on a limb and say that I am a mormon. If you have any questions about the mormon church I would be more than happy to answer them for. The views you have been given so far reguarding it are not true. <p>I think all of us have to be careful in assuming we know how a church acts and believes when we have not been a part of that church. Mormons are christians and we do not hide anything from so called younger members of the church. One thing is for sure, every religion has good and bad people in it and you can not judge it's teachings based on the people. <p>Steph

My H's family is Mormon and He grew up in their church. He has just recently started to pursue it again. When I ask him things about it, he gets upset and very defensive. That worries me. I just wanted to know why women and men are separated from one another during some of the service. To me, that is very DIFFERENT. I love him and his family, but there are some things about this that just rubs me the wrong way. I guess you are right that this won't work. I am not totally in to my religion, but I do believe it. I don't go to church often. He went to mine a few times, but I didn't get the chance to go to his. I guess I just want to understand it. <p>V,<br>I will email you. Thanks.<p>Thank you everyone else. I'm glad you are helping me through this.

Steph,<p>Since this is not a religion site, I would like to talk to you about this. My email address is tenaya@endore.com, I will be looking forward to your reply.<br>**<p>Anyone else, you may use this address to contact me also. I can use all the support I can get.<p>My H has decided to leave tomorrow, weather permitting. I will be taking him to his mother's house. It's gonna be hard, but I will survive. My marriage did make me a fighter! I did get that one good thing. The next thing is to decide what to do about the baby.

tenaya,<p>If your husband grew up in the Mormon church, I would think he has a fair understanding of its basic beliefs. There is absolutely nothing in the church's teachings that could justify his leaving you simply because you are not a member.<p>I did not grow up a member of this church, but I joined when I was 18 and have been an active member for more then 20 years. I've known many "part-member" families, where one spouse had officially joined the church and the other did not. The non-member spouse was made to feel as welcome as anyone else.<p>Has your husband discussed this with his bishop or stake president? Perhaps there are some matters of doctrine that he doesn't really understand or has misinterpreted.<br> <br>Based on what you've told us here, I'd say he's making a serious mistake by leaving you. He made promises to you and God to stand by you throughout your mortal life together. There are few justifications for breaking that covenant, and you not being a member of the Mormon church is not one of them.<p>My guess is that there are other issues that have caused him to be unhappy with your relationship, and he's just using this is as an excuse. If so, your joining the church probably wouldn't make much of a difference. Mormon couples have the same problems in their relationships that everyone else does, and there are plenty of Mormon divorces to prove it.<p>Steph,<p>Thanks for "coming out of the closet" . I've been reading messages here for the past couple months, and wondered if there were other LDS members here. Anyone else?<p>[This message has been edited by serendipity (edited 01-08-99).]

I agree with you when you say he is using religion as an excuse. I wish I knew what the real problem is. You know, he reads all of this and still doesn't talk to me about it. Looks like he just gave up totally. Wish it weren't so, but I must learn to live with it.<br>I did tell him that we made a promise before God to be with each other til "death do us part". So, I think he doesn't believe in God as much as he thinks or he wouldn't be doing this. Doesn't God frown upon divorce? Doesn't anyone read the Bible anymore? Or even believe it? And what is so important about the book of Mormon that it must come before the Bible? Sorry if I offend anyone by saying this. Why is it because of God that I lose my marriage? That just isn't right. <p>

I am an LDS member also, but fairly new and still learning. Something no one has addressed yet is the comment about the Book of Mormon coming before the Bible. From what I know, the Book of Mormon is used in addition to the Bible as a supplement. <p>I do know that the Mormon church is very much in support of marriage and family. Members do everything they can to help preserve and support the family unit. (That was one of the things that drew me to join. I had been raised agnostic.) I think that if your H's Bishop knew there was trouble in your marriage, he would offer to help however he could as would other members in the ward. <p>That was my experience when our marriage was having problems nine years ago. The Bishop spoke with us each privately and together. He enlisted the help of a ward member who was a counselor. She provided us with free counseling because we couldn't afford it. <p>I wasn't a member at the time, but was interested in attending church. One couple would drive out of their way to pick up my daughter and me so we could go. (My H was usually at work with our only car.) That couple drove 1 1/2 hours to be at our wedding last week when we were re-married. <p>I suggest talking to the Bishop in your husband's ward. He might be able help.

Serendipity,<p>I didn't think I was coming out of the closet. LOL You are funny. I don't mind saying that I am a mormon. Just never had the opportunity to say it. <p>Steph

tenaya,<p>I think, as others have said, that there's something else wrong with your husband and that he's using Mormonism as an excuse. I believe a couple that truly loves and respects one another can live together. Of course it's easier if you share beliefs. Even mainline can Christians have a hard time.<br>My wife comes from a Pentecostal background. I went to her church while we were dating and became a Christian, and that's where we attended church. A couple of years later we moved to another city and got into the charismatic church. After a number of years there I became disillusioned with what I felt was the shallowness of charismatic faith. I went through what I call a crisis of faith in which I went back to square one and asked hard questions to God and myself about what it meant to be a Christian. After about three years I emerged from this with beliefs that fit best in the Reformed faith, or Calvinism.<br>My wife didn't go that way at all and it made for some rough times, not the least of which was my tendency to criticise and blast what I felt was stupid in the church. <br>While we still don't see eye to eye on some doctrinal issues it is funny that my wife has come to some of my views in a round about way. She often has the same view as I do even though she wouldn't label it what I label it. Strange how things work out. Right now we still don't have a church home even though we visit a church. The pickings here aren't that great. <br>She will still look a tv preachers and I have to resist the urge to throw a rock through the tv when they're on. Yet, especially since I've stopped the criticising, we get along pretty well on religious viewpoints. I don't think your husband is being truthful.

To Everyone-<p>Yes, for the most part, all of you are correct. Religion is not our ONLY problem. We do have others. One of those is that our communication skills are lacking. I want to talk until it is settled. He, on the other hand, wants to think about it for great lengths of time first. So, yesterday, I talked and he listened. Then he typed at the computer. (Easier for him to do it that way)<br>Last night we talked. Today, we talked. Then he left about a half hour ago. But, the upside to that is, he only left with some clothes. Everything else is still here. Instead of just calling it quits, he is taking the time to think it through first. He needs to be sure before he decides to leave this marriage. At least he is willing to do that for us. It's gonna take some time for him to sort this through. I am prepared for this. In the meantime, I will try to prepare or what comes next. No matter what that might be. If he decides that it won't work between us, then I will let go. For now I still have a little bit of hope. I believe things happen for a reason. Our marriage is one of those. It is better for him to get away to think rather than to be here around the "problem(s)". This way I won't interfere with anything. (Making it worse or better for the time being) It's all up to him. Maybe the solution to our problems is starting over (very slowly). That may mean that we live separately for awhile. If our feelings return, then it is worth it. Because I was so much in love with him. I still love him now, but other factors seem to have gotten in the way. Those will be sorted with time, hopefully.<p>Thanks everyone for your help. I will continue to let you know what happens. To all of those that pray, keep us in your prayers.

Steph,<p>So you "went out on a limb" and identified your self as a Mormon. I don't know about anyone else but I still love ya!

Really, I'm with Bruce. You're still the same Steph to me!<p>terri

Bruce and Terri,<p>Thank you. I believe I am the same Steph too. You can imagine though what can happen when you state your religion. Especially one such as being a mormon. <p>I love you both. <p>Steph

Steph, Serendipity, others,<p>I hope no one had the impression that I was saying that people from one religion are nicer or not as nice than others. That was not an issue at all. I have met several LDS members and in addition to being nice people LDS do promote and endorse a very pro-family lifestyle - entirely too rare in today's culture. Like Bruce, I still love you all too. Christ's ministry was love, and all of his followers should love others.<p>The only reason I "jumped on" the different faiths in a marriage is because I am in that very situation myself. It's not the only problem in our marriage either, but it does present a very serious obstacle to overcome. <p>As others have pointed out, If Tenaya's H is using his faith as a reason to leave then he may have other reasons that he just is talking about. I'm happy to hear that it may not be as bad as you first thought.<p>Val

Well, looks like it's time to 'fess up. My marriage is also mixed. I believe in microwave popcorn (butter flavor), whereas my wife worships Hershey bars.<p>It's been tough, but so far we've made it!

Doug,<p>LMAO. Thank you for the laugh. For us it's icecream and popcorn.<p>Val,<p>I did not take it that way at all. I don't want you to think that I did. On other boards where I have posted though I have been attacked for my beliefs so I am a little weary to hang them out in the open now. <p>I think all of us here understand the importance of accepting for what and who we are. Love is all we want. <p>Love to all of you and thanks for all the love and support in return.<p>Steph