My ex and I have tried to remain on good terms and stay friends. The last two conversations, however, have found me purging all of my ugly feelings about his new girlfriend and their inauspicious beginnings. I found out that they were living together in November. I asked him how he could sleep at night, how he could do that, that he betrayed me, that he was a liar, that he used me for months, that I deserved better etc. I never called him any ugly names. I did tell him he was crazy for getting involved with an 18 year old college freshman taht he met when we were together. I said she was a kid and he was nuts. He was insulted by my judgmental attitude. He wrote me a letter (two weeks later) that said in a nutshell:<P>I don't know how to talk to you. Any love I felt for you is being stamped out. Therefore, it can't be real love. I doubted our union; we were close but not connected wholly. I can sleep peacefully "next to a woman that I love and respect." I have found the peace and love that I always wanted. I suspect I loved her all along. "We don't find love; love finds us." (Insert some crap about how you can change the icing on a cake but you can't change the basic ingredients. ???)<P>He also admitted that counseling would have helped but he was happy with his choice and life now. <P>blah blah.<P> Why does he feel the need to tell me this? Is he just trying to hurt me or validate his choice? I have tried for 6 months to remain tranquil and non judgemental but isn't there a point when the contempt is justified? Do the WS ever regret their decision and wake up and see the OW for what they are? I found myself so damn angry I could spit on the Pope.

Hi,<BR>I'm sorry to hear your H still doesn't get it.<P>I don't know if he's really happy with new girlfriend or he wants to believe he's happy, but we all know this is a crap, right? But when he's in a relationship whatever you or other people say to him about his wrong decision, he's not gonna hear it. If he was able to listen he wouldn't be in this relationship.<BR>I think he's telling you what he's feeling to justify, or maybe he wants you to agree, or he wants to show you were wong...<BR>WHATEVER!<BR>I need to ask you this: Do you have to be his friend? Are you willing to be his friend? Because if you stay in touch you will have to hear these crap all the time..<BR>And it will be irritating to see him making mistakes.. Are you able to ignore them?<BR>It's almost 100 % this relationship with your H and his gf won't work.. Let him realize that on his own.<P>Meg <BR>

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 26, 2001).]

How many EA's actually work in the long run?<P>I do feel that it has become them against me. In fact, it was only when I expressed my disbelief in the substance of their relationship and reminded him of the silliness of his choice did he become hostile and defensive. It's like he's trying to prove me wrong. I should have kept my mouth closed, I know. I am just hurt that he can discount the love he had for me so easily. Does it make his choice easier to blame the "love" and "chemistry" than to blame the people involved (me and him)?

<P>.<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 26, 2001).]

I am new to this board but I agree with the others. He just doesnt want to listen to what you say and he will stay with OW just to spite you.<P>How do I know this because my H or STBX is doing the same. I get as angry as you and tell him what I think on him and especially her. The friend thing doesnt work for me either, it just p***** me off, and make me more angry. Especially because he is friendly to me when he wants something, but alot of the time I dont get the friendship back. They cant have the best of both worlds.<P>I have let him go he will find the errors in his ways in the future not my problem. The OW is still a b****.<P>I am glad I am not the only one that lets loose once in a while and tell them how it really is wether they listen or not.<P>You arent loosing a friend by letting him go you have a whole lot of new ones here.

gsd,<P>you are angry right now, and that is NOT the time to be communicating with your XH. You are taking his lack of abilities to communicate and to grow personally.<P>Maybe part of his actions are a response to you, but NOT your responsibility.<BR>Therefore, you need to take this less personally. He is the one that requires help, and he needs to find it himself.<P>ITs an experience he has to live through, and EA'PA's last between 6 to 12 months. source: Private Lies, by Frank Pittman. But then, even out in the open, he is dating someone SO much younger than he, that it will surely collapse.<P>So what should be your response? wish him well, you hope he finds the love and the happiness he thought he was missing. and then Plan B, and I mean Plan B! it helps in not draining the love bank very fast.<P>take some deep breathes, get a ticket to nashville, and hot tub with your friends your troubles away!<P>tom<P><BR>

gsd,<P>I'm sorry this man that once "loved" you is acting this way. I'm not sure of his motives either, except to maybe validate what he thinks he has done is the right thing. <P>You know that I am trying to maintain a friendship with my ex, which is actually going pretty well. I don't know if she has started to date and she does not know if I have started to date either. This topic has not come up between us. I think it comes down to maturity. Even though she has devastated me and I have felt more pain than I ever knew possible, I would not want to hurt her. Telling her that I have gone out a few times since the divorce will not do anything but hurt her and cause a potential wall between us. At this point, her knowing that I have gone out and had fun would only rub her nose in it that other women find me fun to be with even though she left me. It would be like saying, "ha ha" and I'm not like that. <P>In your situation, knowing that he is with this OW, it would make more sense for you to be telling him how much you are enjoying the company of a man you met since he left and that you are ok without him. But I don't think you have done that. I think you are also too mature for that. I had mentioned to you awhile back that I thought your husband was rather young (at least emotionally) and I think these latest actions just go to prove that.<P>Be the bigger person here and just leave him alone for awhile. Let him think about what he's walked away from. It will hit him some day.<BR><P>------------------<BR>“What does not kill me only makes me stronger”<BR> -F. Neitzsche

gsd,<P>It is his attempt at vindication. What you did, by telling him his faults, is trying to educate him, which is a big time love buster and only serves for them to try and "prove" their love is real and what you two had wasn't real.<P>I agree with the others, avoid the "friendship" stuff.<P>Bob

My "educating him" so to speak has always been a love buster. I should have known better. He knows I was/is dating someone. I offered no details or comparisons. I figured it would be childish. What I can't figure out is that he uses the rationale that he was in a needy time in his life when we met (his parents were divorcing, he wanted stability, etc) and that is why we married. Why can't he see the similarities with this new girl? I think he likes the idea that he is not responsible to her in any way and that she only expects him to be her college boyfriend not a husband/provider/support system. She is easy to please because the stakes are lower.

gsd,<P>WOULDYOUJUSTFORGETABOUTHIM?<P>STOP ANALYZING HIM, BLAMING HIM.<P>PLEASE, WORK ON YOURSELF!

gsd,<P>I'm going to tell it to you like it is, and I'm telling you this as your friend. <P>You two are divorced! Stop letting yourself get sucked in and maintain yourself--and don't worry about him!<P>Imagine it this way. He did things that hurt you--you did things that hurt him. He started a tornado by living with someone else before you guys were officially apart. You found out that they had been together and basically started another tornado by saying, "How could you..." Unfortunately, he joined in your tornado by starting yet another tornado of his own. Now we have three out-of-control tornados! <P>Whatever nasty, scummy, mean, icky things he did to you when the two of you were breaking up is THE PAST, and no matter how much your tornado whirls, it can not change the past. If he chooses to be a complete and total jerk (which it sounds like he's not a complete [censored], just pretty inconsiderate), there is not one thing that all your spinning and blowing can change IN HIM. <P>HOWEVER, if you work on yourself, and concentrate on yourself and stop your own tornado from spinning, there will be a lot less atmospheric disturbance in the air. He can hit you with tornado after tornado (if that's what he chooses to do), and you can disappate the wind and storm within you and NOT JOIN IN. It's hard, I know. I struggle with the exact same thing. I get thrown off my own track, or more accurately I choose to get off track, because if I chose to, I could cling to the calm within my own self--the absolute determination that I am doing what is best for me right now--and I would not be thrown off. <P>So join in the struggle, my friend. Let him go and do whatever it is that he chooses to do. You can't do one single thing about that. But you can be the calm in the storm, so that if he hits you with a tornado, you don't join in--it hits your calmness and just dissappates. <P>In more concrete terms, let him go, put your thoughts and efforts into yourself, and don't let him suck you into his crises!<P>{{{{{{{{{{gsd}}}}}}}}}}<P>Now you go girl and do YOUR own thing!<P><BR>CJ <P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

WIFFT and FW:<P>Sigh.<BR>Thanks for the two by four. <P>LOL<BR>