I'm in tears again today. I found myself writing my H my final words of goodbye as his wife (my D should be any day). I saved it in my hotmail and would love to send it, but don't know if I should. I believe he wouldn't read it and they'd probably both have another good laugh. Has anyone else felt the need to put down your last words as their spouse and then sent it?<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 26, 2001).]

Kathy,<P>If sending the e-mail to your H make you feel better, then do it. It doesn't matter if your H and Ow laugh at you or not. Do things for yourself..<P>Hugs,<P>Meg

Kathy,<P>I never wrote it, for one because I never moved to Plan B like I wish I had. But also, I figured, he'd show it to OW and she'd get to read my personal feelings meant for my H only. I think if it makes you feel closure, you should do it. Whatever you can do to heal from this event would be worth it.<P>good luck,Dana<BR>

Hi,<P>I am so up and down. I put my heart into an e-mail letter, tried to say everything exactly how I felt, tried to not make it a letter that blasted him with all his faults, just my thoughts. Well, today I don't feel like I should. I feel like he would most likely not read it anyway because he ignores my e-mails when they are about everyday stuff. This is someone who truly believes I'm Casper now, so all my emotions on an e-mail won't mean a hill of beans to him. I think I'll just keep it saved in my drafts for my own eyes. That's what I've done with a lot of other e-mails, just typed them out to get it off my chest and then never sent it. I think a lot of us do that kind of thing. I do remember typing one out way back and hitting the wrong button, sending it instead of saving it. That was a big oops let me tell ya.<P>Thanks - y'all are the friendliest people on the planet.<BR><P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

Oh, there were a zillion letters I typed on e-mail that were never sent. I did send kind of a goodbye, but it was never really a goodbye. Just said I would always love him, a few other things, and told him one more time that if he was on his deathbed in 50 yrs, I'd still be there. Told him I wouldn't be calling him, but he knows how to get in touch with me and he knows where my family and friends live if he ever wanted to track me down someday.<P>Yea, I'm wierd that way. I've never totally closed the door. I learned along time ago that (for me) there will never really be true closure. Its not as sad as it sounds though.

This is what journaling is all about - letting yourself feel the feelings, give your gifts of love, thoughts on loss, etc. Every self-help book I've ever read on the topic of divorce/grief all speak to the closure of a goodbye letter. All say not to send it though. Just write it as a way of venting all those emotions.<P>I have talked with several of my friends/family about a divorce ceremony. One designed to give me closure (not erasing him from my life...we share kids) but closure to the marital relationship.<P>I don't know exactly what it will look like - maybe this would be a good new thread. <P>Anyway, IMHO, write all the goodbyes you need, but don't send them to him. If you really need to send them to someone, send them to someone on this board...let them role play the response even...a goodbye to you from your stbx. It might help with the letting go.<P>Good luck.<P>Lisa

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by soon2b_alone:<BR><B>I have talked with several of my friends/family about a divorce ceremony. One designed to give me closure (not erasing him from my life...we share kids) but closure to the marital relationship.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>A chain called "[censored]'s Last Resort" promotes a tongue-in-cheek divorce party as one of their theme events you can schedule. [censored]'s is like Hooters, but without the attractive women and with staff that are trained to be, well, Dicks (rude, etc.)--that's their schtick. They didn't stay open very long here in Miami--their staff wasn't different enough from every other restaurant in town to make it novel (many restaurants here already have the 15% tip factored in, so there's little incentive to please the diner). <P>At the divorce party they would burn a picture of the X, give you a new little black book, etc.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by weirded out:<BR><B>Has anyone else felt the need to put down your last words as their spouse and then send it?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sure, but it would be more in the nature of a final <I>communique</I>, not a final word as a spouse. That latter time has already passed; and we did a lot of communicating just prior to the divorce. <P>Unfortunately, I didn't even attend the final hearing. Told myself I was simply not needed there. Really didn't want to face her and almost certainly break down and cry. <P>I have unfinished business with her ... you'll find that it continues for some time after the D. I may or may not write her one last letter ... hopefully words of conciliation, forgiveness and understanding (of her decision, and of my part in our problems). <P>Her family is not much for the written word (or phone conversations for that matter). They like communications face-to-face. I prefer to write. And read.

I have started to write many letters. Some seemed to harsh and to full of LB. Some seemed to sappy and to needy so I never did give him one. Maybe someday when I can really give him a letter from the soul I'll give him one. Right now there is just way to much hurt here to do any letter justice.<P>JIll<P>------------------<BR>live for today for there may not be a tomorrow

WO,<P>My D was final last Thursday. I did write a final letter to my H & gave it to him in the parking lot of the courthouse.<P>My letter was written from my heart, did not bash him in any way. The letter was a way for me to express my feelings about our marriage, his infidelity & how much I've grown as a person because of this experience.<P>He came over to "our" home a few hours after court to look at a repair needed for our house. The first thing out of his mouth was, "I really liked the letter ... it meant a lot to me." He wanted to discuss it further ... I told him to STOP ... it was just that ... a "final" letter ... that I needed to express my feelings to him & that I wanted to leave it at that. He thanked me for it.<P>Giving a "final" letter is a decision only you can make. It was exactly what I needed to do. I really think it had an impact on him.<P>All the Best,<P>SL

for what it's worth, this is the email I sent to my ex-h, the day after my court appearance for my d. He never acknowledged it, or said whether he received it.<P>H,<P>I just wanted to say that yesterday all I wanted to do was to hug you. for obvious reasons I couldn't. My heart was breaking. I really never thought that it would come to that. <P>You will always be so special to me.<BR>I look back on our marriage and think that there were no bad times. Just periods where we should have made more time for each other. And times where we should have put each other first, instead of everthing and everyone else.<P>If ever you need me, I'll be there for you.<BR>I love you.<P>Jo<P>I've put a copy of it away along with all the lawyers 'stuff'. At least in 50 years time, when time has faded the hurt, I'll know that even the day after the d, I was still trying to show him how much I loved him.<BR>Makes me feel a little better within myself.<P>Hope it helps you.<P>You must do whatever you feel you need to. I didnt know whether he would show his gf, or whether he would laugh. I did it for me. And I have no regrets about sending it.<P>I would LOVE to know what he thought tho, but have never asked.<P>big hugs for you<P>Jo