Gordon W. Allport offered the following:<P>1. The neurotic attempts to quickly avoid or escape anything that produces pain or tension, whereas the normal person generally confronts the requirements of his circumstances, and works aggressively to satisfy his needs.<P>2. The neurotic habitually tries to deny his difficulties; but he usually fails because his problems continue to confront him, often with greater force. The normal person can effectively dispose of certain matters, and not think about them. Thus, just as one might put the unsightly rubbish in the yard instead of the living room, so one might put aside thoughts of death or the unknown future, and get on with tasks that can be accomplished. The normal person distinguishes clearly between problems he can or cannot solve.<P>3. The neurotic is characterized by many splits in personality; the various parts are not working together. Goals and values may conflict, and opposite trends and traits compete with each other. The normal person is characterized by integration and unity. The various components of his personality support each other. He does not fight himself in getting things done. <P>4. The neurotic not only tries to deceive others about his true nature, he is actually self-deceiving. He may be unclear about his own motives. The normal person has insight into his motivations and behaviors, and is aware of his status and possibilities.<P>5. The neurotic is characterized by a stunting in personality growth. His emotions may have a primitive quality, and his motives may be childish. The normal person thinks, feels and acts in accordance with his age expectancies.<P>6. The neurotic finds his impulses troublesome, the finds himself doing things he does not understand. The normal person can restrain impulsive expression and tolerate frustration while he works out a course of action: When what he wants is not available to him, he can accept substitutes or nothing at all when no outlet is possible. <P>7. The neurotic’s involvements are narrow and tied to the immediate situation. He may focus all his attention on the one bad experience of the day and forget all the good things that happened. The normal person can remove himself from the immediate situation and survey and evaluate things. In most situations, he can take charge of his own thoughts, feelings, and reactions. <P>Who here was/is neurotic? Whose X was/is neurotic? If there was a change before or after the divorce, how did it happen and what caused it?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited January 08, 2001).]

Sisyphus:<P>Well, my stbx falls into all the neurotic categories except #7 (dwelling on one bad experience in the day)...sadly that has become my MO since the separation - one memory or something he says/emails to me can send me into a tailspin...apparently he does not dwell on anything. If he were, the guilt would eat him alive. He avoids being alone in his new house at all costs just to avoid his thoughts. He even told me he purposely avoids thinking about our relationship in anyway (thus the need for the bimbo) because thinking about all that he walked away from makes him "feel sad." Well, duh!

My X is obsessive/compulsive -<BR>She is bulemic at times (which she said was my fault.)<BR>MIL was said to be alcoholic at one point, X is leaning on the bottle with her new friends, which is making her rosacia pop out.<P>My X shows certain characteristic traits of BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, which is stuck between neurosis and psychosis.<P>and her parents BOTH contribute the genetic disposition, her mom passes bulemia, the dad obsessive (particularly time and food.)<P>both have control problems,<P>MIL was institutionalized for awhile for something, very hush hush.<BR>also MIL had EA or PA, not sure with a fellow teacher, still hush hush.<P>FIL hated his mother, GMIL was controling, used guilt, and very dismissive if she was proven wrong. GMIL brought up X when X was a teenager because FIL&MIL wanted to work more than parent in the afternoons.<P>AND I THOUGHT ALL HER PROBLEMS WERE ENVIRONMENTAL.<P>She told me when we were dating, that she had no self esteem. So i gave her some, for awhile, now the kids give it to her, <BR>just like her parents as teachers get<BR>their self esteem from students, and her part time volunteer, job, which was more important than the job that pays the big bills.<P>tom

Judging by what was written my X is certainly neurotic and had been for some time but has prograsively gotten worse with time. I have wondered for along time if my X isn't a littlem bi-polar. He has such highs and lows and well right now he is in a high and I'm just waiting to see what happens when he gets low again.<P>Jill<P>------------------<BR>live for today for there may not be a tomorrow

I seem to be the normal one...only thing H doesn't do is dwell on the one bad thing. But he seems to fit into a lot of these catagories

Thank you very much for sharing this. I am quite certain that my husband meets all of the criteria for being neurotic (although he would deny this with much rage.) It makes me sad to admit.<P>As for me being neurotic--believe me, he has convinced me that I was crazy. I spent the whole summer going to shrinks to figure out if there was something wrong with me. Do I need happy pills? Anger management classes? Am I thinking wrong? Do I struggle with a compulsion, an addition, dependancy, co-dependancy? Do I have a bad attitude? Am I angry? I couldn't convince anyone that I have a problem. If I did, I would certainly do anything that I could to change.<P>My husband has risen to a high station in life, he has a very respectable job and comand of a lot of people. How can someone so backwards have become so successful?<P>Is there any hope for change? Is there anything that I could do help him even at this point? I am interested in doing what it takes yet, even though I may be biting off more than I can chew.<P>(He left me for another woman--I think that affair is over, but he continues the party life, cybersex, whatever. Along with calling me every other weekend and asking to reconcile, then ripping my head of went I seek to discuss his propositions. He says that I am just stirring up trouble.)

Definitely the ex. He was consistently inconsistent, rationalized EVERYTHING to death, changed his views, rationales, and ideals with his underwear. He could not differentiate between reality and idealism most of the time and "started over" with everything that brought discomfort: checking accounts that had gone out of balance, jobs that required too much discipline, home projects, school and educational goals, friendships, and ultimately our marriage. In each case, he had a good reason for quitting. He was a smooth talker.

Since I started this, I'd better put in my own two cents:<P>1. I would avoid some things, the sharing of intimate thoughts was frequently one of them. In order not to make obvious the chasm between where I was and where I wanted to be, I could disclaim dreams and desires until it seemed there was no "there" there. XW - well, she became willing to avoid *me* and home, and mutual friends, and spending any time together, and even (for a time) the dog, and the USA, and her job.<P>2. I could watch filing pile up, or slack on accounting, or miss opportunities ... sometimes I dwelled on things; but I think the XW did the latter to a far greater extent ... expecting she would be in a wheelchair by age 50, or that I would be a stay-at-home dad who would take the child, divorce her and sue for alimony and child support, or that her entire office basically wanted to screw her out of assignments and money. <P>3. I have plenty of things that don't harmonize well in my personality (stubborn, depressive, avoidant, etc.) ... that's being addressed and improved. Meanwhile, I think XW has a serious dilemma between the traditional stay-at-home mom role and the professional woman role. She believes I forced her into the latter at the expense of the former, but wouldn't accept a drop in standard of living or the risks inherent in making it happen.<P>4. My insight into my own nature and motivations is not perfect ... it was all the worse because of the roles I thought I *had* to fill (and filled poorly by virtue of trying to cut off true introspection). I'm not sure whether XW could do this well, or just couldn't work out good ways to implement what she learned when she looked inside.<P>5. I don't think either of us had stunted personalities or childish motivations; except that XW may have put excessive emphasis on keeping her father's approval. <P>6. I think impulse control was easier for me than for her; I readily accepted substitutes or nothing (however, not without eventual consequences--and I would add to Allport's statement a reference back to #1--that the neurotic controls his impulses and accepts substitutes or nothing *only* as long as necessary). She had a timetable in her head for things ... if not fulfilled like clockwork, she could not be happy.<P>7. My involvements *could* be narrow, but I could usually identify what was troubling me and discuss it or dispel it. It was *easy* to ruin a conversation or a whole evening for her by a careless word or action.<P>Let's go over that again: Me good (or mildly, explicably imperfect); her rotten or inexplicably malevolent. Nonetheless, I'm the one who had to be discarded.

I had no idea you knew my wife (STBX). You just described her to a T.<P>You forgot worry warts, fever blisters, and sweaty palms.<P>I ran across the term "neurotic" while flipping through the channels and running across a Woody Allen movie. I immediately thought about my wife. Great timing of your post as I am interested in the term "neurotic."<p>[This message has been edited by father of 1, husband of 0 (edited January 08, 2001).]