Hi all,<P>With so many of us having our divorces either coming final soon, or just having been finalized...I've been thinking it would be a good idea to suggest ideas for some sort of divorce ceremony. The idea that we cope with the death of a loved one by having a funeral translates into coping with the death of a marriage by having some sort of ceremony that allows us to officially say/feel it's over and finally maybe let go and move on. So post your ideas!<P>My ideas: cermonial burning of the vows (I had them in my wedding album), a reading of the divorce decree, a toast to my strength of character...(and then I even thought about letting all my friends/family write their thoughts on my wedding dress in permanent black marker...prior to me burning/tossing it).<P>Anybody else????<P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>---------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.

I think that on the day my wife's divorce is final, I'll take a walk along the beach, make a wish and throw my wedding band in the ocean.<P>I can't think of it as anything other than her divorce, because she's the one divorcing, not me. I'll never believe that this is the right thing to do, but how I feel has no impact on her ability to end our marriage. So, I'm just along for the ride...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by c00ker:<BR><B>how I feel has no impact on her ability to end our marriage. So, I'm just along for the ride...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>How you feel may not impact her *ability* to end your marriage, but I do think it can impact her *desire* to do so or not. You are not "just along for the ride". That kind of thinking may be why she's divorcing you in the first place. <P>Unless the STBXH is demonically evil and dangerous, the STBXW *wants* some set of responses during the divorce process. Answers, apologies, reassurances, declarations, admissions, denials, offers, demands, forgiveness, anger ... unless they're in total fear and hatred of you, they still want things. What you give has the power to change both them and you. <P>Consider carefully whether "along for the ride" isn't part of a pattern that eroded the strength of your marriage. What you do may have power to dispel the fog. What you don't do ... does nothing. I know the latter firsthand.<P>

I understand cOOker's position...my stbx is divorcing me - I have no say in the matter...what I want is irrelevant/so are my kids...only HIS needs matter to him. I'm just so much baggage he has to deal with now. Perhaps it's the "dumpee complex." <P>Either way, ceremonial closure of that OLD relationship is not a bad thing. Even if they come out of the fog after the divorce is final...a new relationship is required...the old one obviously didn't work and should be retired.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by soon2b_alone:<BR><B>I understand cOOker's position...my stbx is divorcing me - I have no say in the matter...what I want is irrelevant/so are my kids...only HIS needs matter to him. I'm just so much baggage he has to deal with now.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>And I understand *both* your positions, having been there myself. The point I want to make is, you have some control over what information/impressions *you* leave in the STBX's mind. Depending on the circumstance, you may want to project either:<P>Anger or Acceptance.<BR>Pain or stolidness.<BR>Understanding or disbelief.<BR>Hope or Despair.<BR>Pride or Humility.<BR>Vulnerability or Strength.<BR>(Insert any other opposing qualities here.)<P>I'm not saying push buttons just for the sake of pushing them, but if there is a fog and you want it gone, figure out what they can see through the fog, if anything; and figure out what you want them to see in retrospect when the fog finally lifts. Chances are, deep thinking about that can lead to some of your finest hours ... and may pave the way back (and since you, dear reader, are here, I'm assuming you wouldn't mind some sort of road back [or wouldn't have minded it at some point in your marital debacle]). <BR>

Sis,<P>As usual, your words are eloquent and well thought out...if only I knew how to quote the parts I liked...<P>Any divorce ceremony suggestions? I'm guessing you might be against the voodoo doll - stick pin party... <P>Lisa

I really wanted one. Had no money for one. Had another crisis going on - how to get a mortgage when I had not worked in 8 years. By the time I got to where I could, it was so far down the pike that I chose not to. Still sort of regret it.<P>What about hammer the wedding ring into smithereens (saving any valuable stones) but retaining the gold, silver, or platinum for later use as another piece of jewelry?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by soon2b_alone:<BR><B>As usual, your words are eloquent and well thought out...if only I knew how to quote the parts I liked...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks. And just use the rightmost of the three icons right above the post you're looking at ("Reply with Quotes"). Then cut'n'paste.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Any divorce ceremony suggestions? I'm guessing you might be against the voodoo doll - stick pin party... </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>There's plenty of <I>Voudoin</I> in this town, and <I>Santeria</I> too. But why use superstition when so much more can be accomplished by misusing science?<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited January 08, 2001).]

Cinderella said:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>What about hammer the wedding ring into smithereens (saving any valuable stones) but retaining the gold, silver, or platinum for later use as another piece of jewelry?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This reminded me of a woman I worked with years ago who wore a bullet on a gold chain around her neck. I asked her why she wore this bullet. She told me after her divorce, she had her wedding band melted down and molded into this bullet. She wears the bullet to remind herself that if she were to ever consider marriage again, she is to take the bullet and shoot herself! <P>Enlightened

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B> That kind of thinking may be why she's divorcing you in the first place. <P>Consider carefully whether "along for the ride" isn't part of a pattern that eroded the strength of your marriage. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Well, thanks for the judgement, but your opinion is not a matter of great importance to me. <P>I have accepted that my wife is divorcing me for her own selfish reasons and I am moving on with my life without her. I'm not the one who left and gave up, she is. There was nothing about our marriage that could not have been repaired if she had chosen to stay and work together with me on it. She chose not to. Whenever I have contact with her I show a positive attitude and acceptance of the inevitable demise of our marriage. I have told her that if she ever wants to try to save our relationship, I would go to counseling with her and take whatever steps are necessary to rebuild what was once a very good relationship, but the choice is hers. I'll not ask her again.<P><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by c00ker:<BR><B> Well, thanks for the judgement, but your opinion is not a matter of great importance to me. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>There is no judging. People here are in too much pain to be judged, and I know that. What there is here is a sad sense that at some point, a switch flips from attachment and longing to sour grapes; and that perhaps it does so at an inopportune moment.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I have accepted that my wife is divorcing me for her own selfish reasons and I am moving on with my life without her. I'm not the one who left and gave up, she is.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>There is no shame in moving on when the time is right. But precipitous emotional reversals will only leave you with unanswered questions down the road. When you abandon intention and attachment overnight, you're doing it out of anger ... and they will return whether you want them or not. Believe me, she feels the pain and emotional anguish of what she has done. Can you not find somewhere in your heart the tiniest, scrawniest little olive branch? It's not really for her. It's for *you*, so that *you* know you have done everything you could.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>There was nothing about our marriage that could not have been repaired if she had chosen to stay and work together with me on it. She chose not to. Whenever I have contact with her I show a positive attitude and acceptance of the inevitable demise of our marriage. I have told her that if she ever wants to try to save our relationship, I would go to counseling with her and take whatever steps are necessary to rebuild what was once a very good relationship, but the choice is hers. I'll not ask her again.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That last, I'm afraid, may be *pride* talking. I'm not judging you ... in time you will judge yourself (not too harshly we all hope). But it sounds like you gave her *one* shot ... what kind of love would that be? I'm sure there were actually *more* offers and opportunities on your part (what you gave her was probably one *last* shot), but how many is too many? What will it cost you that you do not possess in abundance? How do you know she didn't *almost* take you up on it last time. <P>I'm not saying that you leave yourself emotionally vulnerable to her rebuffs. What I am saying is that if you do not communicate that the offer remains open, at some point *she* may conclude that it is closed, or simply not want to risk making herself vulnerable in asking (because it might turn out to be closed). <P>My experience is that I allowed myself to grow cold, and harden toward her as she spun away from me (all the way to europe, if you'll recall). On her return, I was already involved; and consequently I am left with unansswered questions and some sense of guilt for my own impatience ... and guilt over the possibility of hurting my new girlfriend if things change in the course of trying to wrap up loose ends with the XW. <P>How much better it might have been if I had chosen to remain alone and work on myself during that time. Again, I don't *know* that anything would have come of it. But the number of unanswered questions would be fewer. <P>Ask yourself if your decisions are self-protective or simply churlish. The answer will tell you whether you will have peace in the future.

I don't think you know me well enough to suggest my behavior is churlish. It's not even an appropriate adjective for use in that last sentence.<P>I have made it abundantly clear to my STBX that the door is open. That I am still learning and growing as a person and I would welcome the opportunity to rebuild our relationship into a better, stronger, healthier marriage than ever.<P>I have no intention of becoming involved with anyone until I am divorced, and completely over her and that will be quite some time.<P>I am not cold to her at all. I am always friendly and considerate and I will always try to be. I don't like what she is doing, that is not the same as not liking her.<P><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by c00ker:<BR><B>I don't think you know me well enough to suggest my behavior is churlish. It's not even an appropriate adjective for use in that last sentence.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Please don't think I suggested. I merely questioned. But ... I have always found that I display the most sensitivity where there is a vulnerability I have yet to acknowledge.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I have made it abundantly clear to my STBX that the door is open. That I am still learning and growing as a person and I would welcome the opportunity to rebuild our relationship into a better, stronger, healthier marriage than ever.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would love for it to be a marriage again for both of you. But your message to her seems to be that you would find less than *all* unacceptable. It looks to me like there may be pressure for a total reconciliation, something she is still not ready to acknowldge that she might approach. Rather than risk "problems" again, she'll give you nothing. How 'bout just: "Let's see what we can do to get along better?"<P>The door should of course be open--with the welcome mat out, the porch light on, the house in order, and the smell of something tasty wafting from the kitchen. Attraction is the key--not the prospect of submission back into an intolerable situation.<P>Looking back, I think I must have given the *impression* at one point that I viewed counseling as some kind of commie "reeducation camp" -- for her. Of course that wasn't true, but I did nothing to dispel it. Of course she never came around to wanting to do any of that with me. How can you sugar coat it better?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I have no intention of becoming involved with anyone until I am divorced, and completely over her and that will be quite some time.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My feelings on this should reinforce yours. My road is not yet painful again, but I can see that there are forks ahead that wouldn't be there if I had exercised a little more patience.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>I am not cold to her at all. I am always friendly and considerate and I will always try to be. I don't like what she is doing, that is not the same as not liking her.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>That is so important! It is so easy to gin up animosity for the *person*. That other person is someone you *love* (or at least loved) doing what they think they need to do to *survive*. No matter how wrong they are, it is important to make distinctions and be ready to forgive.<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited January 09, 2001).]

Sisyphus,<P>1. "My experience is that I allowed myself to grow cold, and harden"<P>2. "How much better it might have been if I had chosen to remain alone and work on myself"<P>Those are your words. <P>Because of the way you respond to many respected MB forum members and "newbies" in my opinion, you could use some work on #1 & #2.<P>I can't stand back and watch this out of control freight train.<P>Now back to the title of the thread....."Divorce Ceremony Ideas" <P>Ragamuffin

Ragamuffin,<P>In honor of your request, I will tell you what I intend to do the day that the divorce is final. First, I do intend to do a ceremony to mark the end of the marriage, because there was a ceremony to mark the beginning of the marriage. I am going to write vows of personal growth, bring my friends and loved ones together for a dinner, and read the vows in front of the people I love. Then I'll take my wedding ring off and put it in it's velvet box. Last, but not least, I'm writing a goodbye letter to my X (which I have started now), as well as writing how I think he would really respond and how I wish he would respond--all three letters for my eyes only. All of those letters, I will burn in a fire as a symbol of letting go. Then, I'll probably cry a little and dance a little, because I'll feel both sad and free. <P>Hey, soon2b_alone, thank you for bringing up this topic. Great idea!<P><BR>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I didn't do anything special the day my divorce became final. I understand the desire to mark the day in one way or another, but I chose not to honor the event. This was not something I wanted, therefore I did not want to tarnish any of my happy marriage memories with a funeral of sorts. <P>However, I did do something to mark this time in my life. It wasn't on the day of the divorce, but a few weeks later. I went and got a tattoo. The thought of a tattoo has been with me for about 10 years. I finally decided on a design that was meaningful to me and one that I would not regret a few years down the road. The design has many meanings for me, the strongest of which I will share.....<P>The design itself is a picture of a fish, but it is designed in such a way that if you look close, you will see that it is actually two separate fish mirroring each other to form one. Sound familiar? It represents the basic concept of marriage....Two individual beings coming together to form one.<P>No matter how my life changes from this point forward, that core belief will always remain, as will my tattoo. I could have gone with a design which was dark and negative, but I chose to remain positive. <P>I'm happy with my decision <P>------------------<BR>“What does not kill me only makes me stronger”<BR> -F. Neitzsche

I had no ceremony. I am a bit ashamed of what I did on the day of my hearing. Nothing astronomical, but the ill feelings have been growing since. I started dating a guy after my H made it perfectly clear that the divorce was imminent and papers were filed. That goes against everything people recommend here, I know. At any rate, I had a lunch date on my way to the courthouse. Needless to say, I was distracted and a bit moody. I wish I had spent the time another way. Maybe getting a massage or my nails done.

Well, I can see both sides. There are times I certainly wished I'd had the strength to just "go along for the ride". No begging, no pleading. My ex showed little or no will to really work on our marriage. Mostly, he'd throw me a crumb now and then because he enjoyed watching me come running. I let my ex jerk me around like a Raggedy Ann doll, and treat me like an emotional punching bag. If I protested in the slightest, he'd immediately threaten me with divorce. I didn't want that, so I put up with it. I let him rob me of every ounce of my self-respect. There is NO doubt that I did everything I could to save my marriage. However, now that it is over, I think I would have preferred saving my soul instead. <P>I'd like to think that my "sacrifice"--be it ever so martyr-like--would someday come back to him in memory but I sincerely doubt it. On the other hand, I did the same thing with my first ex (the one who had sex with nearly two dozen women while we were married), and he came back to try and salvage a relationship 7 yrs after he divorced me. You just never know.