I guess its time for me to move over here from EN. My H left me in Novemebr-after much following by friends, family memebrs and me I do not think he left me for someone else. He does act like there is someone else but he is (or was) very loyal to the fact that he has not cheated on me in any way. He also has expressed very berbally to everyone that there is no one else. He will be going in to start paperwork this week for a dissolution. He wants to go out and starting dating he says and find someone to share activities with. I have been in counseling since the beginning of December. I have told him I believe I drove him away and have been working on issues that we (me and the counselor) think have driven him away. He says it wasn't me it is him. We have been married for 6 yrs and together for a total of 8yrs. We just moved back to his home town in 1999. All of his actions show that he is moving forward with all of this and he does want to go out into the meat market. I have been trying hard to keep myself together. I am very depressed because reality has set in and I believe this will all go thru-we have no children- he said if we did he would try to work on this but it is just not meant to be for us. I am in great pain right now. I noticed a difference in him in October and that is it. I am a very attractive chipper person and always have been but now I have serious doubts that I will find happiness again. Can anyone bring light on this situation?

Hi Trs,<P>Welcome to D/D and let me be the first to say I'm sorry that you are here <P>My STBX behaved in much the same way, only our marriage was 15 years & we have a 9 year old son. She too denies that there is anyone else, but I have evidence to the contrary.<P>I'm very sorry he is making this decision and I know how badly you must be hurting right now. It takes a long time for the pain to begin to ebb, but it will. I think it is very important to maintain a positive dispostion around him and perhaps even show acceptance of his decision while maintaining your willingness to try if he ever decides he wants to come back.<P>There are some very wise and experienced people in here and they offer very sage advice. NSR generally has a welcome for new folks over here and some links to good info.<P>Take care... <P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

None of us here has a wand that will bring him back to you. What we do have are cautionary tales of what *didn't* work, and experience, strength and hope for your life. Everything you do now should have yourself, not him, as its focus. It's important to stay in counseling. It's important to learn all you can about why marriages go bad, and what can be done to fix them. But it's also important to begin to let go of your intentions and attachments regarding your marriage (just a bit for the moment) so that you can find peace and comfort again, regardless of how things turn out. It's a hard prescription to follow, but it will shorten the path you must tread.

Thank you for responding cooker and sis, I know what went wrong in the marriage and have shared these thoughts and theories with my H, however he is dead set against given me that second chance. Yesterday I went and spoke to an attorney and he informed I will have to give up our home and the future looks pretty bleak for me. I know God has plans for me but all I see is a train coming at me in this tunnel right now. My H said he is going to do all he can to make sure I get the house or a house of some sort. The only thing I have is his guilt and that will help for housing but that is all I have. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and stop worrying about the future and start living my life again knowing I will find love again someday.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trs:<BR><B>I know what went wrong in the marriage and have shared these thoughts and theories with my H, however he is dead set against giving me that second chance.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This reminds me of that old Sylvan Learning Center TV commercial where the exasperated mother says to her failing child "Saying it and Doing it are Two Different Things!"<P>Sharing theories doesn't actually help, and the best you can hope for when you do that is that the STBX understands you're *willing* to do something. Even if they get that point, the attitude they may adopt is that it's "to little too late". Fine. Maybe that's the case. Maybe not. <P>Don't count on him giving you a second chance. This *is* your second chance. It's just that you have a high wall to climb. <P>Let's look at some things that have gone on: <P>1. Intensive surveillance. If someone had me followed, I might get a kick out of playing cat'n'mouse with the tail. But most people are just frightened or annoyed. I know what that was all about, but it is a definite lovebuster.<P>2. He wants to find someone to share activities. Why were you absent from that role before? Is it a question of which activities? We need you to expand on that. Are there still, perhaps, things he is willing to do with you, even now? <P>3. If he wants to start dating, why hasn't he? When I wanted to start dating, I did it. If he's holding back, there may be more hope for the two of you than you think.<P>4. He is in his hometown. Are you someone who is either keeping him from his old crowd, or not doing your best to fit in with it? Ideally, he hangs out with exactly the people you want to be hanging out with. But that's *never* the case unless you have complete control; and if that's the case, that's part of the problem anyway. <P>It's likely what when you communicate with him, you turn him off in some way. Sorry. There it is. It stinks. But it needs fixing if your marriage is going to return. Figuring out what that is (Harley calls it a lovebuster), is the greatest challenge of your Plan A. Do it right, and there won't need to be a Plan B, or a divorce. It's not up to us, it's up to you and him and whoever you can get in front of for counseling.<P>Do you think it would help get him into counseling if your request for counseling with him occurred under the flag of divorce counseling (counseling intended to ease divorc, not stop divorce)?

I am new to this also, I have already received so many kind words. I am in a very similar situation (although my STBX did have an affair) Time does heal and counciling helps too. God has a plan for our lives and we will be happy again!!:-)

Sisyphus,<P>Thanks for your insight on everything. I am looking @ this whole experience as my second chance. I have worked hard and have kept my chipper around my h but I do admit there are some days where I fell off that wagon. Your are correct about the survelliance I wanted to type an explanantion for all of it but I have not done all of it or encouraged it (I've done it a total of 4 times and 2 times were emergencies so it was 2 times too many) I was absent form his recreational activities before he does not want to spend ANY time with me now unless its talking about one of the d's (divorce/dissolution).I have not kept my h from the old crowd . My h is someone who does like to go out after work from time to time on weekdays after his 2nd shift job. I would like to join him but I work 1st shift. I did not discourage him from going out that I know of but there may have been a tone I used (maybe?) I did join him in activites on the weekend but we did go our own ways alot of the times (I see this now-we have slowly grown apart since this last summer) I know I have turned him off in someway and actually recognized this December 23rd. He will not tell me if my theories on some of the lovebusters are true - he just says its him (I do not nag him for the info) He is not open to counseling and even commented that he thought I would be strong enough thru all of this and I would not need it. To get out from everyone's eye (he is staying w/ his family) I have suggested that he rent a friends trailer or something for a month-he said no because than he would probably end up cheating on me and we better concentrate on the paperwork so he does not cheat on me. I'm ready to tell him to go for it but he has high morals in this area. I soul search everyday for ways to improve myself and ways to stop the big d's. He told me saturday he wants to move on and look for someone new to participate in activites with. I wanted to scream WHY NOT ME I'LL PARTICIPATE WITH MY WHOLE HEART!! But I know he thinks I am only willing to do things because he is interested in them not because its us. I guess its time to take up bowling on my own!! (I would ask him but he will say "no thank you" like he always does when I ask him if he wants to do something with me) I feel I have tried my best these last 2 months and I owe alot of it to MB's. I just know my nerves are wearing thin and its getting harder and harder to move on with my life.

I'm back. I have decided to start going on. I do want to start bowling and doing other things instead of sitting at home waiting and wondering. The problem-I am afraid if I do create a new life than he will(I know-I know he already has) but also if I am happy this means he is happy. I want us to be happy but happy together-does anyone get this?? I'm not going on in a divorced way but in a way to cheer myself up. I am afraid if I do this he will say look she's happy I can move on to someone else now. Despite all of this thinking I do need to move on-Folks I"M GOING BOWLING!!!

I seldom caution patience but I will here. Don't be in a hurry with papers (you want to stay in the house anyway, don't you?), but do take up his activities ... just not *around* him, and don't ask him about it, tell him about it, try to get him to do it with you; and I'm even a little iffy on whether you should do it where you might bump into him. While it's important that somehow word gets back to him, subtlety is vital in this situation. <P>Is he living with his folks? I'm assuming he is. What's their part in this? <P>He needs to know you are strong, but still need to get information from him if there is to be closure ... that may coax him into therapy.<P>None of my ideas are worth a darn unless you can find ways to spend time together. It may just be that you'll need to get together to work on the divorce forms. At your place. With dinner, wine, and whatever else you can come up with (without being too obvious). Maybe after you've done a couple of the activities alone that he'd like to do with you. So that you can drop the hint.<P>I was working on my post while you were working on yours. The happier you look, the more attractive you are. It's counterintuitive to show that his absence hasn't just *devastated* you, but it's the right thing to do. <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited January 09, 2001).]

I plan on slowing the paperwork, I love our home and dread having to move. I having read the powerful article rjs posted "Please Read". I wish to go ahead with this plan but will have my counselor read it first. My h does feel trapped and I thought by him going to a lawyer he would slowly feel untrapped and like he is getting a result that he wants(without really getting anything). Today I do have a new confedence. Maybe its because I feel I still do have time and I realize I got to him at certain points of this seperation and at those points he responded by flirting w/ a friend and w/ insult. When I looked my worst he was nice and gentle when I looked happy and in control he would pounce @ me with insult or say he wants to start dating. I realize I had him for 8 yrs - so what if someone else has him for a couple of months. (It still gets to me but if I think of it this way I'm better)I am very close to his family and his mom and me have been good friends thru the past 8 yrs-she is a treasure!!( In fact she is his lawyers secretary and has tried to talk to my H) They are very hurt and disturbed by this. My H is the oldest of 4 boys-his brothers always bring girlfirends over for me to meet and always email me or stop and give me a hug. They are wonderful boys. (One is about to be a new father and another is getting married this summer-I feel like I am truly losing out on these special occasions)My H thinks because I am in counseling I am weak, I am in counseing because it is a healthy thing to do and I plan on telling him this. ALong with giving him the note from "Please Read". He will know that I am out and about (its a small town and I plan on telling him in a certain way so he does not know what I am exactly doing) For the first time in two months my shoulder are square again, there is a smile on my face and I have condidence that I am a bright, strong attractive woman who should be appreciated and respected (despite a marriage is not going well and there is a possibilty of losing my home) God works in mysteries ways and I am glad he is in my life and has brought me to MB's and has given people words of wisdom to give me.