My STBX is the one who cheated. Yet I still see what a good man he is and feel I was not a person of his caliber therefore did not deserve him. At times he builds me up telling me what a wonderful, smart, sexy person I am. He gets angry that I have reached out to friends, family, and my church ( he feels that I've created scenes & wishes I kept everything to myself). Doesn't he realize the depths of my pain & how deperately I've needed to talk with these people-not to make him look bad-but just to help me to get some sort of understanding & confort. He says that, even our close friends and family don't care and that I should just move on & stop talking. It hurts so bad when I think that he upset with me. I need to let go of "what he thinks". I am having a very hard time doing this.

If he doesn't want you, he shouldn't care what you say and do. If he does, he's impermissibly blurring the boundary he's trying to set. Others will keep you sane. No one who's having an affair wants word to spread from the aggreived spouse. Of course, you shouldn't put up a billboard trying to shame him. But if you have church, friends and family whose support you need, he's out of line to try to make you deny yourself those outlets.

Rejected,<P>From your first two sentences it kind of seems like you may have a little self-confidence issue. He is the one who cheated - you have a right to be angry. It was he who cheated, he is the one not worthy to be with you!<P>Are your friends and family "telling you" these things? If they are not, then why would they say them to him? It sounds like he is just trying to manipulate the situation.<P>You need to deal with your pain - He needs to understand just what his actions have done to you. Counseling, counseling, counseling... For if you let your feelings go "unchecked" for too long, you will find yourself falling out of love with him. While you still have loving feelings towards him, try as hard as you can to both get to counseling - together. If not together, then you should at least go by yourself...<P>It is hard to get a good glimpse of the situation from the little you have written, so please understand my opinion is only drawn from that.<P>God Bless.<BR>Mike

My stbx did exactly the same thing - he resented anyone "knowing our business." <P>You need to remember this attitude comes from their own acknowledgement deep down inside that their behavior is wrong. There is shame and guilt and they know they will come up short in other peoples' eyes. They have a very difficult time reconciling their shame/guilt they don't want to feel with all the reasons they have given themselves to justify/rationalize the behavior they have chosen to do. Their stuck in an emotional war within themselves - the easiest solution is to blame you and try to get you to keep quiet so they won't have to deal with their own thoughts.<P>And no, they don't understand the pain they have inflicted on you, not really. Sure, they may feel the pain of divorce a little, but not the pain of infidelity. One has to walk that path to truly understand what it takes from you.<P>Talk to whomever you need to keep you sane and to pull you out of the lows when they hit. Try to avoid trashing him to mutual friends, but you also never need to cover for his behavior or say anything less than the truth. Lies belong in the WS column. What WS don't understand is the truth puts them in a bad enough light, exaggeration is unnecessary when a BS seeks a sympathetic ear. He will probably take it as you betraying him and his privacy and will be angry about it...you can't help how he takes it - that's his problem.<P>Eventually, when the cat is out of the bag to enough people, his need for your secrecy will decline. He will just hit a point where he doesn't seem to care how people view his actions...that's when you know it's over for sure. (or at least that's how I knew).<P>You are the priority now. He gave up his right to be your #1 concern.<P>Lisa