My stbx and I are meeting over coffee tonight to try to bury the hatchet that the divorce process is creating between us.<P>The process itself is so adverserial, as the dumpee I feel threatened by every move he makes, I'm bitter over the OW situation and yet we share children. We were friends in the not-so-distant past who shared the same values and goals for our kids. Even up to a month ago during our separation. Now it's all about money, child support, visitation, exposure of the kids to the OW, etc. I've had enough of the discussions that become digs and slams and attempts to hurt each other in the way we feel we've been hurt.<P>I initiated this coffee talk...but I'm not sure exactly how proceed. I told him I didn't want it to be about any part of the divorce (we have worked out most of the more contentious issues finally anyway), but I want it to be about reconciling our relationship in some way...(not our marriage - the connection/relationship we have with each other because of our kids)<P>My problem is this: I want nothing to do with the OW and don't want her existence to impact my life in any way...it's bad enough that she lives on the same planet. They are not living together...though I feel this is probably where things are headed unless the rebound blows up. Yet, I want to try to recover some sort of friendship (albeit not "pals") that will allow stbx and I to "be there" for each other in times of trouble/crisis, allow us to laugh together again at the antics of our kids, and allow us to be amicable or friendly...not just civil when it comes to things like attending the kids' events/activities. Or just to have someone to talk to occasionally who knows what's about my life of the last 15 years.<P>Is there a way to do this? Should I come with a list of some sort? How do you bury this divorce hatchet? How do you put the feud to rest? How do we let go of the fights from the marriage (in other words it's sort of pointless to continue arguing over issues that existed in our marriage when we no longer will have a marriage in this new "relationship" with each other)- how do we put an end to it? Emotional hot button issues keep getting in the way of us moving forward...<P>I want this meeting tonight to be positive and maybe even healing...I'm just not sure what to do or even how to approach him other than the initial hellos. He did agree to come and did agree that we needed to find a way to get along better, but his plan was just to settle all the divorce details once and for all. While that may help with some of the animosity...I think we need to deal with deeper emotional issues.<P>Any ideas of how to proceed tonight?<P>Lisa

Yes, with caution, that you may not get what you want. Any OW/M will be in your life until your kids graduate from college, and<BR>even then will show up at certain life events.<P>What you really need to do is work on yourself, figuring out how to accept the unavoidable OW, and its effects on your offspring. You may not like what has happened, but many times, my X, a teacher, has parent teacher conferences with 4 parents for 1 kid. Hmmmmm, she is a little uncomfortable, but they have figured out<BR>how to exist peacefully together.<P>I suggest figuring out how to live peacefully with the OW, and bring up possibilities to the X about what you need to get there, minimal contact, no close long heart felt chats at soccer games, time alone with X and OW after the game with s/d before/after they take her/you take her, etc.<P>figure out what you need as a goal of learning to exist peacefully, and see if he will work towards that goal.<P>tom

soon3b_alone,<P>Yes I would make a list. On one side of the list write down the things you can control in this situation (how you react, what you say, things you do, what you tell the children, how honest you are about your feelings, etc...). Then on the other half of the paper write down the things you can't control (the ow, his feelings, how he feels about OW, how "he" treats the kids, the things he says and does, etc...).<P>Now take the piece of paper and rip it right down the middle. Take the part with what you have control over and put it aside. Take the half with what you can't control written on it and rip it up and throw it away!<P>You need only to focus on what you can control and give the rest away (maybe up to God?). My wife has been gone for about 10 months now - she has done some callous things and made some mean, hurtful remarks. But I made the choice from the outset of our problems that I would not let anger take control of my actions. And I have done a fair job at it. The amazing thing is that once my wife realized that I truly was not going to sink to her level, she began rethinking her actions and words.<P>Anger breeds anger. If you choose to stop the hostility starting with yourself, you will be amazed at how your stbx will react. It may not be immediate, but he will soon realize that you are now taking the higher road in all of this. It takes "2" to fight. Choose to focus on your love for him if that helps. Don't let the anger cover up your pain.<P>I wish I could tell you that establishing a friendship like you discuss would be easy. But, it will be anything but easy - if not impossible. It will take some hard work by both of you. The best course of action, IMO, is to give each other time to get over the hurt, anger and pain. I truly believe that over time, the WS tends to forget the ugly parts of the marriage. Why would anyone want to hold onto bad memories? Once that happens, and you still want to, you both in fact may be able to be friends again.<P>It just takes time, honesty and love.<P>Mike

What thing that would help you would be the easist thing for him to offer? Ask for it. <BR>Offer something you can do for him.<P>This may be to stay away from certain places at certain times, who knows? Right now it's kind of "This town isn't big enough for the two of us". Your goal should be to both successfully live together in it. It's harder for you than him, I know. <P>But if the first thing you do is come to an agreement about something small, the larger things may not seem so hard to do.

My opinion for what it is worth is you wont be able to be friends while the OW is still on the scene. Especially if he left you for her.<P>I understand the feeling of losing your best friend and at the moment you still want to continue that contact with them and friends seem like a good idea. Believe me it will hurt too much. I have been there very very recently and only just realised that I cant be friends with stbx at the moment because everything he does disappoints me and I hurt too much my wound is gaping and I need time too heal.<P>Limit your conversation with him and if necessary get a third party in like a counseller or lawyer to negotiate for you. It will only cost you money, but the limited contact will help you in the long run.<P>It will get easier. My stbx cant understand why I need date he will see D he want to tell me a month in advance. I want to organise my life and move on.<P>Remember each time the pain easers

Tom said, <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Any OW/M will be in your life until your kids graduate from college, and even then will show up at certain life events.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not likely, given the statistics on the long-term survival rates of relationships that begin as affairs, or even first relationships after divorce, or second marriages where there are children involved, for that matter. <BR>

Soon2b_alone,<P>First, I commend you for making this attempt. It takes a mighty big person to take the first step and reach out, so good for you! <P>Second, I want to let you know that I am a dumpee, like you, and my stbxH has OW in his life too. In many ways, I find it like grinding salt into a wound. But here's what works for me. Our kids are "based" out of our house, and the stbxH lives with the OW. Any time he wants to spend time with the kids, he is welcome to come to the house and hang out with them; however, he does not bring the OW to our house. If he wants to have the kids for a weekend, etc. I am free to do what I want and they (the kids) have met and seen and know the OW. (In my instance, the kids spend most of their time with me, because their dad wants to spend most of his time with her). Anyway, he comes over pretty frequently and he just doesn't bring her to those visits. As far as going to events (school plays, games, etc.) I go by myself and he goes with whomever he chooses--I have no control over that. If he comes and happens to bring her, I say hello and act civil for the kids' sake, and then I go home and cry 'cuz that OW took my H! Oh well, I'm a softy. <P>In the end, I have looked it all over, and I realized that there is not a darn thing I can do about his behavior. BUT, I can do something about how I behave and about how I feel, so that's where I concentrate my efforts. Maybe he'll marry her, and maybe she'll dump him. I can't control that. But I can control the fact that I behave with dignity, with self-respect, and with my kids best interests in the forefront--and it is their best interest to have a dad! <P>So, don't concentrate so much on telling your H what he can and can not do. Making that kind of list won't help. But what WILL help is making a list of how you want to behave, and what limits you impose upon yourself. For example, one limit I have mercilessly enforced is no OW in my house! Other than that, I feel like I am responsible to act in a way that I am proud of, no matter HOW he acts!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.