When my H left me for OW he said a lot of mean things to me and blamed me for what he did and his "friendship" with the other woman. I know it was to justify their affair. <P>What I want to know is do you think a lot of the poisoning of the mind comes for the new partner?? He really isnt like anything I ever known him to be, is she pushing his buttons???

No, having been there, it is an emotional response to not being able to intellectually solve the dilemma one has found themselves in.<P>It is not to be taken personally, as impossible it is to do.<P>It is the "fog." The fog comes from the inability to accept oneself and the inability to accept the changes one has, and the acceptance of one's current position in life.<P>The person may be superficially happy, but unable to express his human emotions of being lost, tempted and failing, unable to forgive themselves, etc.<P>That's where it comes from. Everybody is on their own journey, and have to find their own way, and themselves. most do it ultimately, others don't until the end.<P>I was blamed for 10 years of an unhappy marriage (HELLO! what were those very nice sentimental cards for that I got for my birthday, anniversary, etc.?)<P>its confusion form a clash of values, its growing up to be more true to yourself. its a MLC.<P>its not you.<P>tom<P>

Thanks Tom

Thanks Tom it makes alot of sense but i still feel she is behind some of the thoughts and actions, somehow. He is nice with me but when she is around he is awful. I will not be friends with him for a while. It hurts but it is self preservation for me.

I didn't say it wouldn't hurt. I was hurt in the same way, as are alot of us. But time and patience, and understanding your part in the relationship helps.<P>read and learn all you can about life journeys.<P>are you a reader? I have some good books if you are.<P>tom<BR>

Absolutely the OW is behind a lot of the WS' actions, particularly if she is controlling and he is a conflict avoider. If I had a dollar for every time my H told me or the kids that he planned to do X, and then as soon as he had a chance to talk with her he completely changed his mind, paying the mortgage wouldn't be a problem. It is easy to tell when he is giving excuses and doesn't want to let me know that she won't allow him to do something, because the excuses are so ridiculously feeble. Most recently, he said he would do something and then reneged - although he did not deny that he had said he would do it, his excuse was that he never said "I promise."<P>He has come right out and said that he will do whatever is necessary to maintain the "atmosphere" in her household - even if it means his children visit very infrequently.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 26, 2001).]