I've never responded to something like this before but I found the web site last night and thought it had so much valuable information on it, maybe I can find some help here. <p>We have been married for 7+ years. Most of that time has been very good. We talked a lot, did things together, had a good physical relationship but lately he has become so involved with playing cards on the internet (for 6-7 hours a night and sometimes all day on the weekends) that I am completely shut out of his life. I have tried to talk to him about this but nothing I say seems valid to him. I feel more alone when he is home than when he is gone. <p>I am becoming increasingly depressed at being so shut out. He has a somewhat addictive personality and I think he has become addicted to this hideous euchre game on the net. <p>I am his second wife. We met in college many years ago and he fell in love with me. I wasn't ready to marry at 21 and so broke up with him. He pursued me for a while and then married another woman, had three children and divorced after 11 years. We began dating and the romance began again. We have not been able to have children together and his boys live with their mother about 2 hours from our home. <p>I don't know how to make my feelings real to him. When I tell him how I feel he either clams up or gets angry. I think he knows what he is doing is not good for our relationship but he will not admit it to me or himself. This morning I asked what he thinks we should do to help our relationship. His response was that he went to bed at 10 o'clock two nights this week and didn't get "anything". I explained that I cannot have sex with someone I don't feel close to and this isn't about sex anyway. I'm not getting anything I need from him. <p>Last weekend I felt some of the old relationship was still alive. It was New Year's Eve and we left our tiny, rural town to "celebrate" in our old college town. We went to our favorite hangout, saw "You've Got Mail" (how ironic) and then met a bunch of friends at a bar at midnight. We spent the night at a motel and most of the rest of the next day together. Just that amount of closeness made me feel so much better that even though he spent the rest of the weekend on the computer with his "friends" I didn't really mind that much. But now a week has gone by and things are continuing to deteriorate for me. He is a high school principal and so we attend a lot of school functions--mostly games. Last night I did not even feel up to going to the basketball game. <p>I know we need help and need to make changes but if he isn't interested, how can we make progress? He knows things are not good but he gets angry when I just suggest that we need to do something before we get further down this path. <p>I feel this must look pretty minor and insignificant but our marriage is suffering and so am I. I think he loves me but I get the feeling if I don't like the things he does--tough. There is no softness or caring in him like there once was. Besides not feeling like having sex with him lately, I don't know what I've done to drive him away. I do feel jealous of those women he is playing cards with. He laughs and jokes and flirts with them. I'm in the kitchen or living room and I hear the keys clicking and laughter, I just feel more insignificant, like there's a party going on and I'm not invited. I think--well, maybe I need something too, to completely absorb all my attention--maybe then I won't feel so left out, but that is not what marriage is about. I think we need to do things together and I have said that before also. Please advise. Kathleen

Kathjoy, your situation is not insignificant. It's a starting point to get where a lot us are (me--separated for the second time in 5 months, depressed spouse). I wish I had paid more attention last spring when my H spent all his time in the evening playing Doom and Tomb Raider. What exactly I should have done and you should do, I still don't know, but I would get him out of that computer room a couple nights a week to go out and be active in life, preferably something you both enjoy so that you can converse on something and build that recreational time. Dr Harley's columns on recreation are great, check them out if you haven't.<br>Lor

Kathjoy,<p>I know just how you feel. I have fought this computer demon for a long time. In my case I'm somewhat to blame because when I neglected my wife she began to use the computer as an escape hatch. I guess I'm glad she chose that over adultery.<br>Yet, now that I've recognized my faults and have been changing them, it has really been a bone of contention here about the computer. If you read one of my recent posts I related how I told my wife I was going to disable the computer if she kept putting more time in with it than with me.<br>In my opinion it is downright disrespectful to the other spouse to put in that much time on a freaking machine while they are ignored. If they don't stop after reasonable requests to cut back I say find something to do yourself. Then they may find themselves the ones who want into your world later.

Thanks, Bruce. I just don't think pulling in the other direction is very productive, though. Isn't there a more constructive way to deal with it? I don't want to become MORE isolated from my husband. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I want to build a better relationship, not build walls. Thanks for your ideas, though.

Lor, interesting that you brought up the computer games - I got a shareware copy of Doom a couple of years ago. This is going to sound weird, but I have to wonder what is in these video games - the game made me physically ill - nauseous. At first, I thought it was something I ate, a bug or something normal. I went to bed for a while and felt better. Then another day I played it again - nauseous again. This time I was suspicious. I got off the computer and just sat around for a little while and again felt better. I deliberately tried the game again the next day and it really does make me nauseous. It is too much coincidence.<p>Plus, I think that too much computer use makes us depressed. I find that the longer I am online the worse I feel - tired, depressed, etc. I believe it can easily happen to any of us.<p>terri

terri,<p>I can't believe what you said about playing Doom. I bought a Doom 95 cd last year and put it on my computer. I had the exact same experience as you. I thought it was just me but it happened every time I played it for extended periods of time. This is really weird. I've never been one to attach undue meaning to things but I think there is something wrong with those games.<p>kathjoy,<p>Yes, I think the constructive thing to do is to bear with your husband until such time as he changes his habit or you just can't take anymore. In my case I've reached that limit, that's why I challenged my wife about it. But for a good while I just tried to live with it.

Bruce, I'm glad you responded - I knew that my reaction was to the game, but I didn't know anyone else had experienced it. Even though I knew it was real, it wasn't something I advertised, I figured no one would believe me. Makes you wonder what subliminal stuff might be in there, doesn't it?<p>I truly believe, however, that too much computer time, especially online time, can cause varying degrees of depression. Perhaps that is what happened with your wife, too, Bruce - withdrawal and mild depression. Hope things keep moving forward for you - even if it is only inches at a time, as long as it's progress, it's good.<p>terri

kathy,<br>If you follow Dr. harley's advice then there is a need that your husband is having fullfilled by the computer. You must figure out what it is then provide it yourself. You must compete against the computer for his time. It is not fair but it is the way it is. Try suduceing him, try talking to him, try flirting with him, try to complianment him, go out and buy some playing cards invite your friends over and play cards. He enjoys the game, the flirting, the interaction, with no problems from it. So join him in his past time. Make it your pasttime too. I know it is not fair he should give you the affection but if you meet his needs he will meet yours, and avoid the angery outbusts and love busters it doesn't solve anything just makes it worst.

terri,<p>Yes, my wife was depressed at times. She's told me this. I built the computer we have several years ago. When I first went online with Compuserve I spent a lot of time posting and reading messages. But it was the novelty of the thing and after a while it wore off.<br>The computer provides a cheap thrill for people who have no life. I'm not saying that's the only way it's used but I fear it is by too many. They can say anything without suffering any consequenses the way they would if they said the same things directly to people. After all no one can see them, knows what they look like or where they live. The positive side is that you will be judged strictly by the quality of your words instead of how you look. The negative side is that if you don't understand that life is not a spectator sport the computer becomes your life. Vicarious living. The province of the unproductive. And the depressed. Once I had the computer it didn't take me long to break out of the online habit because I hate to sit still for long periods of time. The only things I'll sit still for for a long time is reading or writing. Or talking to my wife or my boys. I can't even look at more than one football game unless I just feel like vegetating that day.<br>Yes, I know my wife had to be depressed because she's a real mover. She likes to do things and go places. Staying in the house just isn't her thing. I should have realized this when it was happening. But then I should have realized a lot of things then, also.

Lor,<br>Thanks for you response. I need ideas to deal with this. <p>Bruce, <br>I cannot"bear with it" as you say. I am miserable. My stomach is upset, I'm on the verge of tears most of the time, it's an effort to even smile. I am not willing to live like this for any prolonged period of time. I have ordered Harley's book, HNHN, that should arrive sometime this week. After I read it I hope my husband will read it---maybe there will be some ideas for us to help.<p>Rusty--<br>Thanks for the response. I don't really understand how computers replace sex--which is what he says he needs but what do I know?

Kathy,<br>One thing a woman does not understand is that to a guy sex is so much more then the act itself. A man wants to feel wanted. Wants the woman to start things once in a while. Wants to be admired. Wants to be looked upon as your man not an ape for their needs. It is the flirting and admiration that is attracting your husband not sex. Try to show him you find him interesting , sexy, appleaing, that you need him to fulfill your. This is what he needs I know it from reading your posts your husband is crying out to you that his needs are not being met. And niether are yours by him only by working as a team can you fix this thing<br>

Rusty--<br>Thanks. You could be right about that but I still think there is something else brewing beneath this computer obsession. <br>Saturday night we finally had a "talk". He is VERY angry. He brought up all sorts of things from the past, some things were very distorted. He has also responded to other situations lately in ways he normally wouldn't. I know it bothers him that we are not as close as we usually are but I still think there is something else causing this anger and frustration. ANYWAY...<br>Sunday went much better--and so has today. After our "heart-to-heart" Saturday (and a little sex in the morning)he was much more open to calm conversation and realistic expectations when it comes to time spent on the computer. I don't think we're out of the woods on this yet but at least we've found a place of compromise for the time being. We may be able to work this out--I certainly hope so.

Rusty--<br>Thanks. You could be right about that but I still think there is something else brewing beneath this computer obsession. <br>Saturday night we finally had a "talk". He is VERY angry. He brought up all sorts of things from the past, some things were very distorted. He has also responded to other situations lately in ways he normally wouldn't. I know it bothers him that we are not as close as we usually are but I still think there is something else causing this anger and frustration. ANYWAY...<br>Sunday went much better--and so has today. After our "heart-to-heart" Saturday (and a little sex in the morning)he was much more open to calm conversation and realistic expectations when it comes to time spent on the computer. I don't think we're out of the woods on this yet but at least we've found a place of compromise for the time being. We may be able to work this out--I certainly hope so.