Here's what I sent to my stbx to promote our "discussion" this evening. Feedback?<BR>[B]STBXs name,<P>This is what I want us to talk about tonight if your agreeable. We can go somewhere for coffee, or a drink or just go for a drive …I don't really care as long as we talk and find a way to bury our hatchets for good. Read what I've written (borrowed some from a couple of Divorce Support websites), and add your own comments and then we'll have a basis from which to start talking. (Did you ever imagine we'd need an agenda in order to communicate? Argghhh…how far we've come). <P>Kids:<P>· Share the kids - be flexible - the parenting plan is just an outline or guide to help.<P>· Make only positive/enthusiastic comments about the other parent<P>· Encourage/remind kids to call other parent and say good morning or good night.<P>· Communicate activities - explain highlights to non-attending parent - share pictures, etc.<P>· Maybe later on, when things are less threatening to us both, we can occasionally do a "family" activity (like going skiing) once or twice a year to remind the kids that we are still a family even though we now live in two different households. Help them to see the link between them and us remains strong even though the link between you and I isn't there anymore.<P>Us:<P>· Let go of past marital issues - don't bring them up or into discussions now. We will not be married to each other anymore, so past marital conflicts should have no bearing - only how we treat each other now and in the future should have bearing. (Words like "affair", "control", etc. should be barred when we talk to each other - they are part of the past).<P>· Be sensitive to areas of emotional pain for the other person and try not to inflict further pain by words or actions intended to hurt the other.<P>· Limit exposure/contact between ex, kids and new relationships…not a judgment - just a request - especially at events the other parent will likely come to - like kids' sports things or school plays or whatever. (It is very difficult for me now and probably will be for you when I start dating - I think it's human nature to not like the thought of being replaced in your former spouse's life - or having someone take a step-parent role (your role) in the kids' life - it doesn't feel very good - but is inevitable. You and I can try to carefully limit how much pain it causes each other, though.)<P>· Be supportive of each other - after all we were each other's #1 support for the last 15 years. If you need something that I can help with, I would hope you would call me and vice versa…for support, for help during an illness, for help in a crisis, just to talk when bored or lonely, for emergencies with extended family, etc. My first thought when my Dad had his tumor and problems with his heart was that I wished I could've leaned on you a little. Not about what to do with the kids - you were awesome in offering to take them at a moment's notice - even when you were so angry. I mean for me, personally. Despite our impending divorce, you're still a huge part of my life history and know me better than almost anyone else.<BR> <P>· Work on forgiveness and letting go of anger. This is not meant to be an exercise to somehow reconcile our marriage - I accept that you no longer want to be married. I just want to move forward with my life in a positive climate. The town of Walla Walla should be big enough for the both of us. J I would like us to get to a point where we comfortably look each other in the eye when we speak, where we hold no grudges, no bitterness, no residuals from before/during our divorce. This probably can't happen over night, but if we both work toward this goal, it can be very positive/healing for both us and the kids.<P>These are my goals - this is what I would like our relationship to be like in the future. It's probably very different from other people's divorce experiences, but I am sure there are as many different post-divorce styles as there are divorces. Maybe it's even a little unrealistic given the nature of what a divorce is…but that still doesn't mean we shouldn't try.<P>All my love (the friendship kind),<P>Lisa[B]<P>What do you think?<P><BR>

Hi Lisa,<P>That's almost exactly the agreemnet my STBX & I have worked out. It is a very reasoned and sensitive contract that puts the kids first and adresses some very touchy issues with kindness and compassion <P>Bravo!<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Hmmm, sounds like you still want him to be your H and confidant, something that may get him edgy. Definately something he may want to shut down on, as he can't have two women like that, there would be a cat fight, and he would be in the middle!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> · Maybe later on, when things are less threatening to us both, we can occasionally do a "family" activity (like going skiing) once or twice a year to remind the kids that we are still a family even though we now live in two different households. Help them to see the link between them and us remains strong even though the link between you and I isn't there anymore.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>careful, can be a very hot button, as X may see this as wanting to continue to look like a family, and he/OW (new loyalty) doesn't with you. For this one, the OW may squawk, and I would expect her. the OW must be able to come along also.<BR>you and the OW must be able to accept each other for this to happen, even be friendly. generally, i don't see this happening, or would consider it very unusual. although I would and have seen dinners with both families together, and if it can be extended to other activities, great, but i think your expectations are too high here.<P>I remember somewhere, Ann Landers I think, where the 4th W found her H calling and talking/chatting with all his former wives, going to their rescue, etc. Well, to reciprocate, the 4th W started calling all her old boyfriends, etc. and all of a sudden, the H woke up and his calls stopped.<P>On the US parts, no disrespectful judgements, such as:<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>and probably will be for you when I start dating <BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>don't try to project your feelings onto him by assuming he will feel the same as you. Just explain your feelings, and go with them.<P>Basically, it will be a parenting business relationship, anything more will be extremely lucky. Look to establish business rules, with respect to interactions regarding the kids.<P>Be careful that anything else will be looked at as interference with the new relationship, and could invoke resentment/anger responses.<P>just think of it from his side, which will be your side when you start dating. If he started calling you to be friendly when you are with a date, or spending lots of quality time together, how will your date feel? I know, hard to imagine now, but it may happen sooner than you think!<P>just a response to think about, not necessarily the only response, or the only way to think about it.<P>tom<p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited January 09, 2001).]