I'm working through this terrible pain, I'm trying to regain some self esteem. I was good to my STBX. I took great care of him, was always eager to make love, I took great care of myself & the house. He, for the most part, up until the affair, treated me well and was attracted to me. I wasn't needy, just in as much as you need or depend on your spouse. It sucks that I feel the need to let people know that, I was a good wife, friend, and lover. Why do I feel that "people" think; There must of been something wrong with her to cause him to stray. Obviously I had self esteem issues before this, the affair and subsequent filing for divorce has not helped matters!!<BR>Does anyone else feel this way???

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 26, 2001).]

Rejected,<P>Boy, I felt just like you do! I was a good wife. I was faithful in mind and body (hence my name), I worked hard, I was a great sex partner, I took care of myself and the house and the kids. Very much like you. And my stbx also had an A and is still with the OW--just like you. <P>Until my stbx left, I had no idea that I was living my life to please him. I didn't resent it or even know it, but for the most part, I was not living my life--I was living his wife's life. So, since he has left and I was suddenly thrust into living my own life, it has been a GREAT learning experience! WOW! Now I have decided that I'll take care of myself first, and in generosity and out of love, I'll give care to someone else. I have set my own interests in sex: how much, how often, and with whom. Now it's up to me and not up to him. I take even better care of myself, and I have learned to do an even better job with the house, because now it's MY house and MY stuff. I've learned to turn to myself to make up my own answers.<P>I'm still working on figuring out exactly how I contributed to this marriage falling apart and forgiving myself for my part. I'm also working on setting my own boundaries for when the X can and cannot come over and how to stand up to him when he tries to be verbally abusive, but I'm even making progress on that! Last but not least, I'm writing him a goodbye letter from the heart, so I can say to him all the things I wish I could say.<P>Now, I'm sharing with you a brief idea of all the stuff I've learned this past year, because I felt exactly like you do now. I was 38yo with 2 kids and a mortgage that was behind and no job when he left, and now I'm back! If it can happen for me, it can happen for you. And just so you know, since it is important to you what "people think", when I hear of a husband and wife who have split up because one had an affair, I usually think, "They must have been really hurting in their relationship. It must have been really hard." I don't usually think that something was wrong with one or the other, and I don't think most people think that one or the other was a bad spouse. There just was some real pain in that relationship. <P>So, keep your chin up and start on the journey to get to know YOU again. I can tell you from experience, you will be amazed at what a cool person you are. There are going to be lots of ups and downs, so know that they are coming, and we will all be here for you as they come along.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{REJECTED}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Your in my prayers,<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithfulWife:<BR><B>Until my stbx left, I had no idea that I was living my life to please him. I didn't resent it or even know it, but for the most part, I was not living my life--I was living his wife's life.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Abso-freakin'-lutely! And you did resent it, you simply didn't realize it. And it wore you down, like it wore me down. And then you were *less*, not more attractive. And tried harder with less result, and wore down more, and ... well, I don't even want to think about where it ended up for you or me or REJECTED. <P>Folks, we can't let it happen this way. Whatever the solution may be, we need to find it.

FW,<P>Your post was a "lightbulb moment" for me...one that I was on the verge of realizing last night in conversation with a friend.<P>Though I am still utterly crushed by the demise of my marriage and the loneliness that follows...I am just now beginning to realize how many times I denied myself of my own wants/needs because they weren't in line with my husbands...it's not like he said, "no, you can't buy a new couch." But more like I denied getting a piece of new furniture (or taking a class or whatever) because of how it might impact our family financially, time constraints, etc. Sacrificing my needs/wants was a given because that's what I believed a "good wife" did. That's what my own mom did - and I got married so young that I never even experienced what life as a single grown up was really like so I had nothing to compare my life to except my own parents.<P>Resent it? I don't think I did - at least not on a conscious level - until this last year when thngs started falling apart. Then, I was still making sacrifices for the good of us all and he was becoming a gigantic selfish taker. My fault is that I allowed the pattern to be established in the first place - his fault is that he took advantage of it-especially at the end.<P>Wow - look at all the therapy dollars and years of analysis this board saves me! <P>Lisa<P>

Lisa,<P>ROFLMAO! Send those therapy dollars to...<BR>And for three easy payments of $19.95, I'll throw in the slicer/dicer!<P>Both you and Sisyphys make good points. I don't think it was a conscious resentment at the time, but get this. Just recently I have found a man that I enjoy talking to and who enjoys talking to me. Well, in the course of a conversation, he happened to mention that he really enjoyed jumping in an RV and just exploring around; I do too. We were just sort of discussing some of the places we've been, where we'd like to go, etc. Then, without meaning too, I suddenly realized how, over the years, I had totally dropped that dream of mine and let that part of me die that enjoys just rambling around. It was stunning, because I saw then, with full force, how there were some major parts of me that I let go of because they didn't "jive" with his dreams and ideas. <P>I'm right with ya on the idea that "a good wife sacrifices for her family". God, ever woman in my family (grammas, aunts, everyone) practically took that as a credo! ARRGGHH! When I married, I was the perfect little "Kennedy wife", and I think when I finally got wore down to a point that my unconscious knew that I wasn't being true to myself anymore, that's when I started being "independent and disrespectful" according to the stbx! BS, I was just being ME!<P>Well, folks, here we all are, and we are getting the ultimate education in being ourselves, huh? To get back to REJECTED, I'd say that the truer I am to myself, the more my self-esteem grows and the happier I become. <P>CJ<BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.