For those who have children,<P>Would any of you ever consider some kind of shared living arrangement with another single parent? What factors would be the most important when deciding on who you would live with?<P>As some of you know, I'm considering adopting after I graduate. That is some time away, but I'm starting to plan some of the specifics. One thing I've read about is home-sharing. Basically, two or more single parents live together and share housekeeping, child care etc. I currently have a roommate, and it is working out very well. I joke with my friends that is almost like being married, except without the sex. <P>Since I choose to work, I've considered hiring at-home childcare, like an au pair or a nanny. Having another parent to share the expenses with would be great. The only thing I would worry about is if they "dated" alot. I wouldn't want a steady stream of strange men parading through the house, not only for my peace of mind, but for the safety of my kid(s). That would be the only thing I'd worry about. On the other hand, if they had stable, non-sexual friendships with men (like I do) then that could be a good influence on my kids.

TS,<P>I have a very good friend that I work with that is a single mom. She suggested this same thing to me. However for me, I would have to decline. I don't know how this is going to sound, but I could not imagine having to put up with someone else's kids 24/7. My two run me crazy enough (God knows they are my heart though). Especially being that our parenting skills differ tremendously. I do believe children are going to be children, but this child is just completely undisciplined and I can't deal well with unruly children. <P>Also because the point you brought up about "<B>...a steady stream of strange men parading through the house...</B> Now this isn't the case with my friend, but she does have ONE male sexual partner and I don't even want my kids exposed to that. I think that even if I were to do this that "male" company should never spend the night and the kids waking up to see them still there. I think that would send the wrong message. I would even venture out to say that all male company should be gone before my children are even put to bed. I don't think that too many might agree with that.<P>I guess I just feel that the conflict risk is too great and don't want to deal with it. It's hard enough coming to a compromise with a spouse who should have say so in the upbringing of my child. But if I had to deal with someone else in the least bit interfering with how I am as a parent or criticizing my child's behavior, I think I might flip my lid. <P>Finally, besides all that I've written, I think the children's age is an important fator. If the child is yound, they are more than likely going to adapt to this enviroment and become attached. Then when you are ready to venture out on your own, the child will possibly feel the affects of divorce (especially if that child has done everything with the other child, they may feel like siblings). I guess that all depends on how long you decide to live with the other single parent.<P>For me I just enjoy having my privacy and with other parents and their kids around, I don't thik I will ever get quiet time at home. Even if my kids were gone from the house, the other parents kids are more than likely going to be home. We all can't have the same scheldule.<P>Just some things to think about. I just think, like I said before the risk of conflict and confrontation is to great when children are mixed in with a roomate situation. God knows the expenses would be alot cheaper, but my sanity is more important. <BR><P>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

You bring up some very good points. My views about sex before marriage (now) are pretty conservative. I might try getting involved in a church group to find people who are more in line with my beliefs. Problem is, I'm not really a Christian. I don't believe in the divinity of Christ, so I'd be kind of a hypocrite. I'm guessing there are other religions who hold to some pretty tight standards in that respect. Hmm. Things to think about.<P>It's funny. I think my roommate is great, but I still don't fully trust her with my dogs. I know she would never hurt them or hit them though. She doesn't believe in hitting animals either. I think I could handle living with other people's kids. You're right that you'd have to find someone whose parenting styles are similar. For instance, there are people who believe in spanking (which I don't), so there would be a whole long list of do's and don'ts involved.<P>The best case scenario is an arrangement in which I get to know someone in a group setting. I see how they live, observe their lifestyle and choices, etc. Maybe a Parents without partners would be a start.

TS,<BR>Why adopt if you plan on working and placing them in day care or having someone else watch them? <P>If you can only have limited time with them, why not consider Big Brother/Sister program.<P>There are enough single parents in the world, why would you want to add to that?????<P>Bob

Bob,<P>You don't have to be a single parent to put your kids in daycare and have someone else "watch them". I was married for 15 years and about 4 of those years I had to work while my kids were in daycare in order to put food on the table. It's great when a parent can stay home with their children (I got to do that some too) but it's not always possible. As for adopting...I think if you love a child and give the child a stable homelife, a single parent can be wonderful. Sure, it's not what I would have chosen, but TS may have a lot of love to offer a child. Big Brothers/Big Sisters is also a great way to share yourself with a child who needs someone. I guess I just don't want to discourage anyone who can give a child a good home, even if that person has to work. I am now a single mother, and I not only work full time, but I also am going to school full time. I have various family members watch my kids when I need it and they seem to be as well adjusted as any other kids. They were more hurt by the divorce than by staying in daycare.<P><BR> <P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keri,<BR>You didn't make the decision though to be a single parent and this is what TS is doing.<P>I know both parents can work and and still provide all the love the kids need. <P>I guess I am old fashioned, and don't believe that it is necessary for both parents to "have" to work. I don't want to list my beliefs here because it will come out as a flame to you and other working moms and I don't want to do that.<P>Part of my "problem" with working moms is that was part of the problem I had with my x. Her work became more important than her family. She wouldn't ask Halloween off becaus eshe didn't see that as a holiday. She and one other were the only ones with small children and the other always got off. X could have easily gotten someone to work for her because of the kids.<P>So if I offend you by my comments I am sorry, I just think it takes two parents to raise a child and one should be home most of the time.<P>Bob

Bob,<P>I agree that the best situation is for a child to have a full time parent at home. I really enjoyed staying home with my children when I could, but like I said, it wasn't always possible. As a family of 5, we sometimes got by on less than $30,000/year when my ex was in the military. It was tough and we did without a lot of luxuries others consider necessities. But I don't regret it. I regret my ex-H changed his value system and now thinks it's better for his kids to be raised with him in absentia and me over-worked and over-stressed all the time. And believe me, that's what he thinks, too. I don't understand that really. But I also know many people (myself included) never want another marriage, but they may want children. Sure, maybe it's not ideal, but there are so many children with less than ideal circumstances these days. When you consider abuse, neglect, hunger, etc. If TS could provide a safe, stable home, I say more power to her. But I will agree that the ideal situation for a child is in a home with 2 parents. Too bad my ex didn't think so. Sorry if I seemed to jump on you. I didn't mean it that way. Sometimes us single moms really get reamed by stay-at-home moms and men who have great jobs that afford their wives the opportunity to stay home. My life hasn't been that way. Ah well, so much for my saga. My kids are great and I am grateful for that.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

RWD,<P>I completely agree with you. The ideal situation is two parents. I am still investigating my alternatives and haven't made a final decision. I've also investigated foster parenting, but those children often have alot of emotional problems that a working parent would not be able to attend to.<P>The main reason why I'm choosing adoption over childbirth is for the reasons you stated. I too don't believe in bringing another life into this world knowing they won't have two parents. On the other hand, there are sooooo many kids out there who need homes. I have the financial (and I believe) the emotional resources to be able to fully nurture a child who needs a home. <P>To be honest, part of the reason why I'm pursuing a PhD is so that I will have more flexibility with my working location. Right now, I do most of my work out of my home. The kind of work I would do after I graduate would also lend itself very well to telecommuting or an at-home environment. Believe me, part of the reason I've waited so long (and was even against personally raising a child) was for all of the things you listed.<P>It has taken me a very long time to trust that I am capable of taking care of a child. This is not something I have taken lightly at all. I understand the responsibility is enormous. Even more, I understand that, even with all my planning, I still have no clue about what the challenges will be in real life. Thank you for your insight.<P>one more thing...you can ask any of my friends and family about this. Even as a PhD student, I place my relationships and responsibilities above "getting ahead" at work. It wasn't always that way. I know my marriage suffered because of this. A children's growing years are so short, making it even more important to spend time with them. Fortunately, I have an advisor who also has young children and who also is a dedicated family man. Ok, time for me to go. I have to go home and walk my four-legged "children". I spend at least an hour at lunchtime even with my dogs. When I stayed at my friend's house over Xmas, they wanted my dogs to stay outside at night (which they've never done at home), so I slept outside with them in a sleeping bag. I know, probably a stupid example, but I just wanted you to know that I'm not like your wife!<P>I believe I have the commitment required to take care of children. Although, like all things in life, there will be many unpredictable events that will come along that will test me to my limits...I'm sure <p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited January 11, 2001).]

Keri,<BR>No problem, I expect/ed worse.<P>TS,<BR>You kind of make my point, you won't leave your dogs alone, but you are willing to have a kid/s and then leave them for most of the day with someone else.<P>I am very fortunate in that I do work out of my home, at least I think I am, and I have a very good salary, but it still isn't easy.<P>When I go out for the day, I try to wait till my 10 yo leaves for school. The other day I was getting ready to go out of town as the kids were going to their mother's and the kids had already left for school. I was doing some last minute things when in walked my son, he had missed the bus. He was very worried(he is a worrier) that I would be gone. <P>I have 2.5 years to go till he leaves at 7am. I know we both will get used to this, it has been 1.5 yrs since x left, but I still get nervous when I leave before he does. This is the first that he missed the bus. I don't expect him to again as he is very conscienous.<P>I know you think things out before you act. I guess I am aksing you to really, really consider not doing this.<P>I have heard the argument too that this teaches the child that a husband/father is not needed.<P>Just FYI.<P>Bob<P>

RWD,<BR>You haven't heard the whole plan now have you? I'm saying I won't leave my dogs in the house all day by themselves and I wouldn't do that to a child either. The reason why I want in-home child care is so that I can come home everyday at lunch, bare minimum. Whether I have children or not, I intend to do that for my dogs. I refuse to live more than 2 miles (or a 5 minute drive) from my work.<P>I've already scoped out the neighborhood that I hope to live in (2 yrs from now!!). It is less than one mile from my working location and I could easily afford the mortgage on one salary. I've worked at the company before, and I know they have family friendly policies, flex-time, and have arranged part-time and full-time homework schedules with people in the past. There is a private school less than two miles away, starting from age 2 and going through grade 8. A university is across the street from the job location. All-in-all, a pretty decent arrangement if I can pull it off. And I wouldn't consider having a child unless I could pull something like that off. <P>Shoot. How many PhD students do you know who have dogs that play frisbee and do agility? I'm very invested in giving the living things in my care the best quality of life and provide for them emotionally, physically, and intellectually. I can tell you that I've put more thought into the logistics of having children than ANY of my friends and family. Alot of those same people ended up divorced. You might disagree, but I think a single, stable parent is better than a disjointed, divorced environment. <P>I've done a great deal of research on the effects of single parenthood on children. I can tell you that the vast majority of horror stories you hear are primarily coming from young, unwed teens, and others who do not have the maturity or financial resources to care for ANY living thing, much less a child.<P>I don't want to leave any child with the idea that a father is irrelevant. However, it seems alot of fathers make themselves irrelevant with their behavior. You, RWD, and any other of the fathers on this board, are certainly not included in that group. As Keridwen has pointed out, even those who go into marriage believing that a father will be present, find out it doesn't always work that way. Heck, *I* am a product of a two-parent household. My parents are still married. Look how screwed up I am! What I'm saying is that the two-parent household isn't the end-all to be-all. <P>The biggest thing that is pressing on my mind is what would happen if I died. I wouldn't trust my sister (believe it or not). My parents are getting older too. I'd have to make sure that one of my friends would be willing. I can only think of one or two for sure that I would trust in that event. <P>Except for the "man in the house" argument, can you think of anything I haven't covered?

Bob, while I do agree with your view that a two parent home is ideal, I also believe that a child without a parent(s) is more of a problem than single parent homes. <P>Think about it. You have so many children in foster care. The amount of children who need a home outweighs significantly those willing to adopt. So imagine a kid growing up, never having the love and nurture of a parent. Never being able to have their "own space" and having to share everything with sometime more than 20 other kids their age Depending the size of the facility in which they are kept). Having foster care workers one after another and never being able to develop a sense of "belonging". They don't feel as if they are loved or "good enough". They feel abandoned and neglected. Wouldn't you rather be loved by one than to not have love at all?<P>This is why some of these children choose to runaway or commit suicide. Young girls becoming prostitutes, longing for affection. Young boys and girls getting involved in drugs just looking for fulfillment. <P>If we don't allow the willing to adopt wether they are single or married, we are aiding to the self destruction of our youth. That to me is bigger than the problem of a single parent home.<P>TS, I encourage you to do this. Being an officer we deal alot with the Department of Social Services too. Mainly because the constant runaways and undisciplined children without parents or guardians. I think by you being able to offer most of all love, but stability as well to an infant child, that's one less child I have to worry about in the future, putting in juvenile detention.<P>It's great responsibity TS, but I think you would be a great mom. I think you have a lot of love to offer and that child will be forever greatful. <BR><P>------------------<BR><B>God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the wisdom to know the difference.</B><P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

I agree with jamie-lee. Two parents are better than one, but one is a whole lot better than none! <P>And it is far better for children to have one good parent than it is for them to partially grow up with two parents, and then have one parent desert them physically and or emotionally. The only thing worse than not having a father is having one who turns out to not be the loving father you thought he was.

Deja vu all over again...anybody remember Dan Quayle and Murphy Brown...???<P>If Rosie O can adopt and be regarded as a hero by the public at large, it seems to me that TS could handle it as well.<P>As a teacher I speak with broad experience of dealing with kids in the foster system...any one who will adopt a child - thereby removing them from the "orphan housing system" - is doing a very good thing, both for the child and society at large.<P>Brava!<P>Lisa