I have read much of the info on the website, read items in the forum, and thought I might ask for some suggestions. My H and I reconciled after being a week away from our divorce court date. It was truly a miracle, because we weren't even talking. After not even speaking, somehow the Lord worked the situation back to a point where we were finally communicating. And, we both knew it was the right thing--and a gift from God (two boys, age 5 and 10 involved, too).<br>My H, who is a very proud, headstrong person, and come to a point of dishonesty about most things between us. Four years ago, he told me he was miserable and needed peace. We went to counseling for about 8 months and he finally said he wanted to be with the family. But, he had been involved with someone (non-physically) at work and I suspected it all along. Toward the end of the counseling, he decided to tell me the truth about being involved with the OW. He cried and begged me to forgive him. I did and sadly we did not continue counseling. We should have because we never really worked through the revelation. The OW was transferred and we have seen her twice, and she called once (not knowing I knew) and is now married (5th time) to someone else.<br>Things improved some but not enough. The last 1 1/2 yrs I have been working on my master's full part/time and working full time. I have been terribly busy with school, job, etc. We grew further and further apart. We began to argue with more fervor and more regularly. He took a new job shortly before I went back to school. The new job was supervisory and stressful, so I just thought (in the stress of my situation) that his job was a problem for him.<br>My H has a childhood history of ACOL several generations back and his dad was hard and somewhat emotionally abusive. That has transferred over somewhat to our marriage. My H's anger was harsh and nasty but not physically abusive. When he vented, it was over for him, but he would be so hurtful, I began to pull away. And, during the last 5 years, I lost my mom to cancer, 21 days later had our 2nd child, and then 2 years ago, suddenly lost my dad.<br>Well, when we reconciled, I insisted on his honesty. And, he has followed through and it has been difficult for him because he grew up hiding from things that might render consequences. And, he told me when he left, that I was the reason for all our problems. Well, he told me of a physical relationship with one of his employees (that took place after he left home). And, he told me of an involvement (kissing, flirting, but no sex) with one of his right-hand workers during this past summer. But, the most painful revelation was a sexual one with the single mom of one of our son's best friend that happened last year when I was just beginning school. I was absolutely devasted. She had been a friend for years. And, she wailed since her divorce about how horrible the OW had been in ending her marriage. And, here she was, coming in to my home, and sleeping with my husband, and then interacting with me as if nothing ever happened. My H said that was the one and only time for sex but they mainly carried on a phone affair for about 6 months. The OW has since had a live-in and now married a man who was married but separated when she started to see him.<br>I truly feel like I have forgiven my H. It has only been through God's grace because I am human, too. But, the OW goes to our church, her son is still part of my son's life, etc. The problem I have is seeing the two of them together in my mind. Yesterday in church, she and her new spouse were seated very much in our line of sight. I could hardly quit thinking about it. My H is very sorrowful and doing all he can to make things different. I feel frustrated at times, because though I have forgiven him, I really would like to not be haunted by the image of the two of them together. We are in counseling now with a very good Christian counselor but there are many things to work on. <br>I would appreciate some suggestions from those who have been there and survived. I would like not to burden my H further with my images--he cannot make them go away. What can I do to get past this? I am praying daily that the Lord will move me from here emotionally. I guess I am not too patient with myself. I feel that since I am not angry with my H, I shouldn't be bothered with the other. And, that's not the way it's working.<br>I didn't mean to hang all the laundry out to dry, but it feels good to release some of it now. Thanks for any help you can give<br>

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself!!! You are awfully forgiving towards your husband, based on your recount of his actions!!!! The Lord must have been hard at work to keep the two of you together if you are physically able to remain in the same house with him. I would allow yourself some time to grieve. Frankly, I am shocked that you are able to forgive him as you have. Are you sure it is forgiveness you are feeling, or are you scared to consider leaving or in denial??? Time will heal the shock of seeing that woman and the painful images. Just be glad that she is still going to church. She has her own guilt to pray for. You could learn to stop feeling guilty for dealing with this as you are.

Remember that time and faith heal. One of the most enlightening sermons that my pastor preached about was that God works on his time table, not yours. Just remember that God has a plan for all of us. Actually, from what you have written, it seems you have already come a long way. I would keep on going to counseling and focusing on your faith and the strength and wisdom only God can provide. I believe if given enough time, the worst situations can be healed and nearly forgotten. It sounds as if your husband is REALLY trying to work things out and become a more trusting husband. I hope this comes out right--but these types of things happen all the time in marriages--it certainly doesn't make it right, but other couples have gotten through these same troubles and have grown more as a couple.<p>I would really try to concentrate on the here and now. I believe some past issues have to be discussed but be careful not to get stuck in the bad issues of the past. Concentrate on having a brighter future for you and your family. I know all of this is easier said then done, but remember that God can get you through the toughest crisis and he will never let you bear more than you can handle.

Hi Traveller,<p> We commonly use the phrase "forgive and forget". It sounds like you have done the "forgving" part but are having trouble (understandably) "forgetting". This is not surprising since you are confronted with having to see the OW every so often. Not intending to wax religious (again so soon) but you mention how the Lord worked the miracle of bringing you back from the brink of divorce. I think it's only human to have a hard time forgetting a transgression against us. All we can do is honestly forgive, and do out best to go on. <p>Maybe what you could do is not worry about forgetting, since I'm sure the harder we try to forget something, the more we'll seem to remember it. Maybe a better "approach" would be to work on creating new, pleasant memories of your life with your husband. My logic here is athat although we can never truly forget something, we can weaken the memory of something unpleasant by forming lots of new memories and reinforcing them often. This might tend to "crowd out" the memories you want to forget. <p>At the very least, try not to dwell on the unpleasnt thoughts you have. This will only reinforce them and make them even easier to remember. <p>Other than those (admittedly lame) suggestions, it certainly sounds like your heart is in the right place and that your are trusting God to heal you. Maybe You'll want to admit to your counsellor (alone) that you are still having disturbing memories of your H's past indescretions and see what they think. I hope some women (or men) who have "been there" will give you their view on the subject as well. <p>One more thing I will add it to make sure that you don't give yourself time to dwell on the bad memories. I know that if I allow myself to sit and mope that my problems tend to rise up and magnify themselves. When I am "distracted" by other activities, I get a welcome peace from my problems. Usually, after the fact I realize that I haven't though about ... (whatever's making me nuts) for the past several hours. <p>Val<br>(The Husband)

Thank you lovegirl, Shery and V for your responses. I appreciate the suggestions you have given and look forward to others. It is a challenge to be patient with the situation and God's timing--oh, human nature...thanks for the encouragement.