The post from the good guy from Texas got me thinking about this. . .maybe a shallow question, but here goes:<P>Does anyone feel unattractive since they were left for someone else so much that it's a real sore spot? Well, I guess I do. I look into the mirror and pick on myself about it sometimes. I catch myself walking through the mall or somewhere and seeing image reflected in the store window, I think "No, girl, you aint that bad--so why did he ditch you?" Then I realize that is a dumb thing to think.<P>I'm not exactly Audrey Hepburn, but I am not a wart on a toad, either. I don't think that I haven't really let myself go, either, other than getting a little more round in the tummy after having his kid. A little more. I don't have the body of a 16-year-old, but I am not gross, either. <P>He had never really complimented me on how I look, not really, since we were married. Oh, the times that I got all dolled up to go to church, he would waylay me on the way out the door and cause me to walk into the chapel 10 minutes late. So I figured that I was attractive to him, even though he didn't say it.<P>But one day, just before D-day, I decided to get my long hair permed and it looked really nice. He came home from work that night(I didn't tell him how much it cost to perm mid-back length hair, that's for sure,) and just about tackled me, telling me how beautiful I was. Unbeknownst to me, I had done my hair just like Miss Kitty (I didn't know about the A at the time, or what Miss Kitty looked like.)<P>I know he raved about how beautiful she was, I read all about it. To me, she was a dried-out old bone of a chain-smoking bar-fly--with scraggly long hair. Okay, she was quite pretty for an old woman. I'll admit it. So I feel I have to compare myself to her.<P>It hurts, though, and get to wondering how I really look to people.

I don't think its a shallow question in the least. I think it has very much to do with self esteam and I would add self awareness. I also look in every store window for the reflection and say to myself I need to lose another 20+Lbs.. <P>I plan to get over what I'm am going through right now and me noticing the I am being noticed (Assuming I'm not QuassiMotto) in my mind tells me with every look, that progress is being made and I WILL MAKE IT.

So you really think divorce is about looks?<P>well, its ONE emotional need, and if its a big one with your X, then you picked a rather shallow person.<P>The way I look at it, what's he going to do when he reaches 70 and we all look old?<P>and if that is his biggest need, unless you are a model, you were doomed anyway, as there always are better looking people anyway.<P>I say the beauty shines from within, not from the surface. I say work on feeling good about yourself from your activities and your life, not from your looks or your X's whackiness about someone else's better looks.<P>Don't believe it for a second, there are 9, NINE, other solid emotional needs, which carry more weight with most people than a trophy wife, and is she really a trophy wife? And there are plenty of D/D cases here or EN struggling marriages where the physical, sexual chemistry came first, and the rest just fell apart, right Jen (711)?<P>just a little pep talk for the day!<P>tom<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited January 12, 2001).]

Bernzini,<BR>Good question/topic. <P>Tom, <BR>I don't think it's so much about looks that caused a D, but more about our mental images of ourselves after the D.<P>I may need to lose a "few" more pounds, but I'm not Quassi's twin sister! <P>The emotional turmoil of being dumped for someone else, losing your spouse, your security, and your sence of self worth (among so many other things) is bound to have a negative effect on our self esteme in a lot of ways. The way we view ourselves physically is just one of them, but it's valid! If you don't feel like you are attractive, it effects your attitude about so many other things too. <P>I was so emotionally beat up and hurt during the separation & D that I felt ugly inside (X was great at distroying my confidence in all ways). I was so insecure on the emotional level that it effected everything. Since I've gotten it together and I'm becoming happier inside It's starting to show on the outside too (or at least my brain is registering it that way).<P>I've also noticed that now men are looking at me again.... the guy I've started seeing said he was surprised that I hadn't been snaped up yet becasue I have such a pretty face. Well, I think part of that is that he got to know the beauty inside before he ever saw me. BUT, it made me feel so good... <P>Ok, enough rambling thoughts for now... just wanted to say that everything we've been through affects how we see ourselves, and that in turn affects how others see us as well.<P>Smooches,<BR>B

I really felt that way myself too - until stbx and I had our "deep down honest bury the hatchet summit." <P>I finally got brave enough to ask why, during our separation, he was still occasionally having sex with me if he was pursuing a relationship with Nurse Ratchet . (I didn't know he was "dating" at the time). <P>His answer (reflecting on our entire separation of 5 months) was that our sex life was a good "habit" that he had a difficult time letting go of. Yes, he wanted a divorce to end his "unhappiness" - but our sex life was not where his unhappiness stemmed from (his words). He said he still found me incredibly attractive and was easily "turned on" by me but that wasn't enough to keep him in the marriage. He needed/wanted to be happy in the rest of the house...so to speak.<P>That statement coming from him made me feel much better about myself physically. That and the effortless weightloss of the "Divorce Depression Diet" which has me into clothes I haven't worn in YEARS!<P>Lisa<p>[This message has been edited by soon2b_alone (edited January 12, 2001).]

When my STBX left it really clobbered my self esteem and left me feeling awfuly unattractive. I was embarrased in front of friends and aquaintences who knew she split. I feel reasonably confident that she didn't dump me for someone more handsome, (I think that's more of a guy schtick) but it's taken me awhile to realize that while I'm no male model, I'm not terribly unattractive either.<P>I guess that since physical appearance is the first thing we notice when we see someone, it's natural to wonder if others find us attractive.<P>Now if I could just find out what it is that girls look for first <P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by c00ker:<BR><B><P>Now if I could just find out what it is that girls look for first <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Most Excellant Question.. <P>

Nick, Texas:<P>Speaking for myself only...<P>Those little laugh lines in the corners of some warm eyes that are happily checking me out! That's what I look for first.<P>Laugh lines and warm eyes tell a lot about a person's heart and soul.<P>After that...well, okay, I'll be honest...it's how the jeans/slacks look from the backside...something about a guy in a good pair of well-fittin' pants...<P>That's just the initial attraction though - if a guy's a warthog inside...he'll be dropped like a hot potato by this woman! That is when this woman gets over a huge mountain of fear to actually go on a date sometime in the next decade or so...*sheepish grin*<P>Lisa<P>PS - c00ker, are you tan and well rested?

I think that we would look beautiful to our spouse even if we were a wart toad if we were meeting the other nine emotional needs. I, personally, feel more attractive. I think it's survival instinct. (Though I am growing a bit fearful of my wrinkles and extra poundage around my almost-thirty-year-old hips.) My H left me for a recent high school graduate. I don't think it was just looks, but she is attractive. <P>Do you know what he did say to me once, though? When we were separated, he made a comment about how our love always seemed conditional (or more specifically, his love for me). Then he said what sounded like a non sequitur at the time: "Haven't you ever wondered why I have always been afraid that you would get fat?" <P>Now what the h*ll does that mean?????

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by gsd:<BR><B>My H left me for a recent high school graduate. Then he said what sounded like a non sequitur at the time: "Haven't you ever wondered why I have always been afraid that you would get fat?" <P>Now what the h*ll does that mean?????</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>It means he's a shallow warthog *refer to my post above* and you should be glad to be rid of him...he's barely rising out of the evolutionary muck!<BR>

Alot of posts say what i tried to say but was clumsy.<P>Reread the posts, and how many felt UGLY on the inside? I did also, but I didn't relate it to looks on the outside. I didn't look to the outside, to the mirror.<P>Self esteem is on the inside, physical stuff is on the outside. both interact, but the inside stuff is much more important, and you can't see the inside stuff in the mirror, or you are looking in the wrong place, was my point.<P>Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, hopefully, you behold yourself from the inside, not the outside, where everyone else looks first!<P>tom<P>now is that better?

Thank you so much for your replies. I felt like I was alone in this.<P>I do, too, think that beauty shines out from within. I dated a guy, once, who was quite obese. Funny thing was, I was attracted to him from the get-go, I didn't have to "get to know him." Wanna know why?--he was SO funny! Attentive, charming, intelligent, and witty. He radiated happiness from our first conversation, and he had an abundant self-confidence. A person like that you know is a quality person who has a good heart. That is the kind of person that you want to be around.<P>I don't know, I guess my insecurity comes from my childhood, just resurfaced with this devestating event. I was the ugly little girl, geek, nerd in school that everyone teased. I maxed out all four corners of my school uniform, had glasses, had straight hair back in the '80's when everyone else had that bouffy thing going on, and I felt ugly for a long time. Being bi-racial did not help. I was a wall flower at school dances, while my blonde, white cousins never sat out a song. It made me feel like something was wrong with me, until I left the farm, got out into the wide world and saw that people come in all colors. Suddenly it wasn't an issue. Except deep inside of me.<P>Is having an attractive spouse a selfish emotional need? I don't think so, not really. But it depends upon what you consider attractive. If your spouse doesn't care how he/she appears in public, doesn't wash, wears sweat pants and a baggy t-shirt as a daily uniform and refuses to get off the couch, that's one thing.<P>I personally think that there is beauty in just about all people. Yes, I mean physical beauty. And the average person is prone to weight-gain, wrinkles and balding heads, it's a fact of life. It just seems that we have come to base our standards of beauty on what we see in magazines, in Hollywood, and it causes some people to decide that there is someone better out there based on the Hollywood definition of beauty.<P>And those of us that don't look like starlettes and studs tend to get left behind.

My theory is that physical attractiveness just lowers the barriers to getting noticed. Once an intimate relationship is established, physical attraction is likely to follow naturally...<P>Which is not to say that it is not important to take care of yourself and look your best! But I think people generally put too much stock in a genetically gifted appearance. <P>Then again, how would I know? It's easy for me to <I>say</I> I didn't marry my wife for her looks, but I must admit that I <I>still</I> have never seen a more beautiful creature.<BR>