Carl,<p>I'm not sure what caused your marital problems in the first place--my guess is that it wasn't just ONE person's fault. But, what matters now is that you have continuously tried to somehow work things out with your wife. It seems you have tried all you could think of. As Michelle Weiner-Davis says in her book "Divorce Busting" (which turned my life around), is that when you have continuously tried one way to make a situation better, try something else, try something opposite of what you would normally do. Basically, if what you have been trying hasn't worked, try something that your spouse totally would not expect.<p>So, you have tried the begging, pleading, being nice, being thoughtful, etc. and none of it has worked. Actually, it probably makes her resent you because it makes her feel bad and guilty and also makes her feel responsible for the happiness in YOUR life--that's too much of a responsibility for someone other than you. The more you push for her to get counseling and to work things out, the farther and faster she will run.<p>Why are her feelings more important than yours? Why does she deserve to be catered to and you don't? I'm not in any way suggesting that you act nasty to her or that you totally withdraw from her, but it is time for you to think of YOURSELF and what is good for you. Her happiness and unhappiness does not dictate your self worth. Noone should be able to break your spirit--you do not need to totally sacrifice yourself for someone else. I think both genders want to see their spouse as someone strong with alot of self-worth, it makes the person more attractive and easier to love and get along with. You have to remember who you are and that YOU are important. I know all of this may seem easier said than done, but once you really put these thoughts into practice, it WILL change your life, and when you change it forces others to react to those changes.<p>Also, I know it's very difficult to not focus on the MARRIAGE as being the MOST important thing--to not focus on if it's going to work or not. From my experience, the more I focused on whether the marriage would work or not, the more time stood still, the more stagnate my life became. As soon as I really started focusing on ME and making me happy and not on IF the marriage would work or not, or if this would end in divorce or not--my life changed for the better. Remember that God has a plan for all of us. He doesn't work on our time table, he works on his own. Let God take your marriage into his hands, let God deal with your wife, let God heal your heart--it will happen. His love, support, wisdom, and of course, salvation, is sooooo much greater than we could ever imagine. Just thinking of it that way makes me feel so much better about things--how about you? God does great things when you least expect them.<p>Focus on YOU--go to a movie, go to the gym, take your kids out, cook yourself dinner, go out with friends--carry on with your life, and let your wife see that there is MORE to your life than just HER. Do things that make YOU happy--you do deserve that right? Your life and happiness does not depend on your wife. Every person, including your wife, is responsible for their own happiness and choices. Love and happiness are both choices--sticking around through thick and thin are both choices--you are not and should not be responsible for your wife's choices whether good or bad. Right now, your wife has the luxury of placing her anger, problems, and resentment on you because you are letting her. When you decide that she is responsible for her life's choices and put the burden back on her, she will have noone to blame but herself.<p>Sorry this was so long, but one final word. It appears that in life, especially during marital conflicts, what you think you SHOULD do or FEEL like doing...alot of times it's better to do the opposite. Example: When you think you should try to convince your wife to go to counseling, when you think if you beg her enough or reason with her enough she will go...you should really probably do the opposite--no begging, no pleading, no reasoning...you yourself go. When she sees that you can be happy without her and that you are still moving ahead in a positive direction with your life--you never know what kind of changes she will want to make then--and if she doesn't wise up, that will be her loss that she will have to deal with but YOU will be all the more stronger.
