I have something going on with me right now and I need some input, advice, etc. from you guys. <P>Everyone here pretty much agrees that 2nd marriages to OP especially w/i 2 years of divorce are practically doomed to failure. Lately this has been bothering me. <P>I know several couples who started out this way and have been in their marriages for a very long time. My ex-H's grandfather being one. He had an affair and left his wife of 20 years with 5 kids to take care of. He and the OW have been married over 30 years now. Also, my ex-H's aunt was the OW in her current H's first marriage. They have been married for over 20 years. He left his wife with 4 kids to take care of. Now there is me. My ex married the OW in December just 3 months after our divorce. And he seems happier than ever. He absolutely does not regret his choice. <P>I am struggling and working and exhausted all the time because I'm working full time, going to college full time and mothering 3 kids. He, on the other hand, gets the kids every other weekend and it's one big party. They go to the movies and out to dinner and on picnics and bike rides. I guess I want to know why it all seems to be working so great for him? <P>Does anyone else have to deal with this? Obviously, infidelity runs rampant in his family, but it works for them! These marriages are great. Maybe, just maybe, sometimes the WS DOES find his/her soulmate in the OP. I don't know. But it seems that way in my case, anyway. And it hurts like he!!. I feel like I have nothing in common with anybody else here. My ex hasn't once apologized or mentioned regret. He's just blissfully happy and content. What does that say about me? Maybe I was just a crappy wife and my circumstances don't apply to anyone else here. <P>Can somebody please help me, here? Does anybody else deal with these same issues? I feel so alone and flawed somehow. <P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Keri,<P>I am sure you will find that you are NOT alone here and I'm also relatively sure that you were NOT a "crappy" wife.<P>It sounds to me like your ex is in his "honeymoon" stage of his current marriage and even if he wasn't happy, I don't think he would let on about it at this time. He has left you with all of the responsibility of raising your children, in addition to everything else you have going on in your life right now. <P>I'm sure you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed on many levels. And even if your ex is one of the good ones who actually is paying his share of child support, that money does not buy you time. I think some men rationalize their part in child rearing simply in the terms of money and as long as they are still there to provide support financially, then they are living up to their end of the bargain. However, we all know that it takes more than cold hard cash to raise children.<P>Anyway, I'm sure you will find other advice/opinions from those who are in a similar situation with you, but this was just my initial take on your post. I applaud your determination to stay in school during this as it will pay off for you down the road. You're doing a good thing.

You may be flawed, but you're not alone. We're all flawed. If people succeed, they do it in part by taking advantage of their flaws. Like to yak too much on the phone? There are careers where that's an asset. Anal? Do work where you organize others' stuff. Of course, being a fall-down drunk probably is no help anywhere, but seriously life-destructive addictions are the exception to this rule. You weren't a crappy wife; you were a human being who was not perfect. If becaus of that fact, XH wanted to follow the example of the others in his dysfunctional family, that is his trait, and has nothing to do with you other than it happened to crush you. <P>You will finish college. That will help. Your kids will get older and be more independent. That will sort of help (they're a lot more worrisome then). You will get more experienced at meeting these heavy demands. As long as you figure out how to get help and respite when you need it so that you don't burn out, you'll be OK there too. <P>In time, you will work through your anger against XH and it will be less difficult to swallow that he might live a long and happy life, never being touched by the negatives you now would wish on him. <P>And perhaps, when you're ready, Prince Charming will come along, instead of another toad. Your children are your life for right now. Everything you do must be for their benefit. But you already knew that.

Keridwen,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My ex hasn't once apologized or mentioned regret.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are certainly not alone. My H has never shown any regret or remorse. He told me on several occasions that one of the reasons he was divorcing me was that I was so stupid (apparently because I didn't want the divorce - rather circular reasoning, I thought). <P>My H does not seem blissfully happy, but one wouldn't expect that he would when he has been unemployed for 9 months. <P>I think in a lot of cases, even when the marriage to the OP lasts, one or both parties continue to cheat. They both know the other one thinks little of marriage vows, so I can't imagine that they would even feel guilty about it.

Keridwen,<P>It is only partly you. Let me use my personal example.<P>For us, the personality conflicts were great! <P>we're personality opposites<BR>extreme introvert versus extreme extrovert<BR>extreme perceiver versus extreme judger<BR>extreme thinker versus extreme feeler<P>we're educational opposites<BR>we were high school social outcasts who found each other.<P>I am time carefree, she is a scheduler of everything.<BR>I love sex, she hated sex<P><BR>The values clashes were great!<P>I prefer options, choices and financial independence/security.<P>we were two young people following our parent's careers until we grew up.<BR>I was a BIG kid until age 30.<BR>I went straight to responsible after kids were born. Her MLC have her go to a kid at 42.<P>She is a watcher, i am a doer.<BR>I have a wide variety of skills, that makes her threatened (her words). <P>I have switched careers at age 30, starting at the bottom, she is at 20 years at hers and can do the job with her mind closed, and is pampered by her employer. I struggle, and am now laid off at the end of the month. She doesn't live or work in the real world, (believe it, i'm not kidding!) so now she wants to just PLAY! but not my kind of play!<P><B> my point is that neither of us were bad, just a poor match, a poor combination, two desperate, young, ignorant people who found each other. It does not mean we are bad, I was NOT a bad H, or she was NOT a bad W, we are just very, very different, and she couldn't live with the lifestyle she knows I wanted. and I was very frustrated at hers after she agree we would change. </B><P>Keridwen,<P>you are sourcing your selfworth from your current marriage status. Look around at who you are and what you are accomplishing, in the absence of anyone else, and continue to explore the hard work you are doing.<P>He may be happy, my XW is now thrilled to be rid of me, she is so happy. [/b]<P>But inside right now i am getting back to be my original self. you need to constantly work to improve yourself, and realize life could be worse, just work to make yourself happy, by yourself.<P>good luck.<P>Its not all about you!!!!!!!<P>tom

As you may or may not know, I am one that married the OP. Sometimes they do work but I can honestly tell you that it isn't because you were a bad wife. Tom pretty much hits the nail on the head when he says that sometimes the two of you were just not right for each other. Does your ex-husband have step kids in his home? If he doesn't, then I can certainly understand how you feel that he has the best of it all. He can be a disney dad on the weekends and play during the week. You have the responsibility. But you know what else you have? Your kids. As frustrating as they get sometimes you still have them. For us, my two children live with us. Their father (my ex) does have every other weekend and some summer/holiday visitation. For two years he was too busy with his girlfriend to bother with his kids. So my husband and I had my kids every day, 365 days a year. On top of that, we had/have his kids approximately 40% of the time. So, for us we ended up with more responsibility and obligations then before we ever got together. The thing is, we didn't get together because we were trying to avoid the responsiblity that we had, we wanted to be together. So, for our second marriage (that yes, was a result of an affair) not only did we increase our obligations but we are also less financially well off then we were in our first marriages. It's very important to us that he not only spends a lot of time with his kids but also takes full financial responsibility for them and his ex. He pays her approximately 2,000 per month on top of her 50,000 salary. When she wants to go on vacation or travel for work we take care of his kids. We never intended to run off and turn our backs from our responsibilities or obligations. We've been together for approximately 5 years now, married 3. I don't regret being married to him or taking on the extra responsibilities of step kids or an ex wife. Him and I can honestly say that his ex is a good mother and she was a good wife. <P>I don't want to be flamed here by my post. I agree 100% that the statistics are stacked against a couple that start out like we did. There are a number of spouses that run from their responsibilities and I can't imagine a one of them being able to live with themselves for doing that.

Keri,<BR>Maybe the xILs are just good at faking it. They know the pain of what the intial divorces were and may not want to face the pain again and prefer to stay married.<P>It is also not 100% that marriage to the op fails so someone has to make the successes. I think I read the success rate is 5%.<P>I know what you are feeling about your x's life. I see in my x's schedule times when she could take the kids, even for a few hours and she doesn't. The kids are both off the next two Mons. and the x has said nothing about taking the kids, in fact she has she is bringing them back in the morning the following morning.<P>Also yesterday, my son wore a worn pair of pants to school. He said he didn't have any clean good ones. This mad e me angry because one, I felt guilty because I missed the fact that his clothes were all dirty and two, they were at there mothers last weekend and one night his week, and she never did any laundry or ask if any needed done.<P>My one friend keeps telling me that what we do today with the kids is for the future. His kids from his first marriage are proving this. They came home to spend the holidays with him as their mother has ruined their second home. <P>She left my friend and married the om a number of years ago(probably 15). She started cheating on second husband last year and now she is getting divorced from him. Now the kids don't want any thing to do with her.<P>Your kids will see your dedication to them now and remember that. They won't remember the "fun" your x is having now.<P>Hang in,<P>Bob<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited January 12, 2001).]

Keridwen7,<P>First off, there is a saying that God only gives us what we can handle - I truly believe that. I think life is meant to make us grow/achieve and expand the person we are. If you believe that, then you can see that the difficulties and hardships you are now facing are only being given to you because YOU CAN HANDLE THEM. In a sense, they can be seen as "gifts". Sounds strange right? Consider that so much learning and growth can come out of hardship and sorrow, because you have no choice - you either face the challenges or you are left behind in life. <P>But one day you will overcome the challenges and hurdles you face today. You will then be able to look back and see how much you have grown and expanded your person.<P>Now look at your X. His life seemed to get easier with this OW, right? Well maybe it is just a mask he is wearing. Maybe you are only seeing what is happening on the surface. Maybe deep down his soul is in constant turmoil. Who knows? But rest assured there will be more challenges in his life - there has to be, for life is all about problems and challenges.<P>I know it is tough, but try not to focuse too much on his happiness. Focus on you - don't envy him for his happiness, for one day you will have yours again.<P>God Bless.<BR>Mike

So Tired,<P>Your statement about God giving us what we can handle and trauma as "gifts" for us to learn from has been said by others before.<P>It always gets me thinking something...is my divorce a way of God teaching me to be humble? Was I too cocky in thinking my marriage would last forever? Am I being taught a lesson in how to commit - not just to be committed to staying married, but being committed to keeping my marriage a happy one? <P>If that's the case, it feels more like a punishment than a gift. <P><BR>Lisa<BR>(wow, I just read what I wrote...and here I thought I wasn't even depressed today...)

Hi Keriweden - my ex is marrying his OW in 2 weeks (our divorce was final 12/21). Everyone says that most likely their marriage will not last but I am gradually letting go of thinking about their future. I think the key is to just think about your future and let God handle theirs. <P>I struggle mentally and spiritually thinking that they do not deserve a happy relationship after all the betrayal and lies that my ex did as a way to end our marriage. It is true it doesn't seem fair but there is nothing as former betrayed spouses that we can do about it.<P>My situation is a little different from yours in that my ex has expressed remorse and regret and has apologized to me numerous times. I don't know if this makes it easier or harder when they just proceed on with their new lives with OW and jump right back into the marriage frying pan/fire.<P>Enjoy your kids - I am enjoying my daughter. In a way I feel that my ex has "released" me so that I can be the person that I was meant to be.

Keriweden - also wanted to add that my father left my mother for his OW after 21 years of marriage - did not want to try and reconcile just took his clothes and left.<P>But now looking back at his relationship with his OW/wife I realize that theirs was not a relationship that I would want and I did not view it as a healthy one. My dad's 2nd wife just basically kissed the ground my dad walked on, was his drinking buddy (the main reason he left my mom) and was just grateful to have a man in her life.<P>Someone told me recently their opinion on how karma works - they said that because my ex treated me so badly that the bad karma that he caused would be transferred to his new wife - she would be the one to experience the bad karma. This theory was right on with my dad and his 2nd wife - my dad's wife suffered a cerebral hemorrage (sp?)/aneuryism and died in 1984. Unfortunately my mom passed away in 1982 and was not around when this happened. My dad is still alive and married the most wonderful woman that is way too good for him. <P>My divorce has also been tough on my dad because I think he now knows after all these years how emotionally hard the divorce was on my mom. The concept of what goes around comes around is often true even though in my dad's case it took over 20 years for it to come around to him.<P>

I know you guys are right about not focusing on their future. It's just so hard sometimes not to be bitter. I believe my ex chose this woman because she didn't have kids and can be his drinking buddy too. I don't drink, I don't like going to smoky bars, and I don't generally like drunks. I know that was part of the attraction. I wasn't enough fun. But, it's hard being so unhappy and stressed out while he and the OW are living it up. Between the 2 of them, they make almost 3 times what I make and that's including my child support. They can afford to do things I can't do. I know I have to focus on me, but it's so hard sometimes. I only do this once in a while now. Usually I handle things pretty well, but the last week has been especially hard for some reason. I was watching a movie last night and one woman said to the other,"What your mother and your boyfriend did to you makes THEM trash, not you." I really thought about that. I have to realize I did everything I could to hold the family together, but he was committed elsewhere. But all you BS's know how hard it is to deal with this horrible emotional turmoil. <P>BonneSept - I appreciate your point of view. Maybe you can explain something to me. When I call over to ex's, OW will not answer the phone. She won't attend anything I am attending. Ex-H won't even have her in the car when he picks up the kids. Do you have an opinion about that? Why would she avoid me like that? It's not like their relationship is a big secret or anything. And believe me, I don't want to see her either, but it does kind of baffle me.<P><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Kind of funny this topic came up today because after my kids visit with their dad I'm feeling the same way. They come home telling me about all the things their Dad is doing for OW(fiancee) that he never did for me and there is a long list. It really hurts<BR>me sometimes because it makes me feel like all I was, was the maid, the cook, babysitter, and of course the prostitute. <P>I just hope that the real Jeff shows his face to her someday and that she has to deal with all the crap I dealt with for 17 years.<P>JIll

Keridwen-<P>I'm not divoced nor separated (yet), but your comments about the drinking buddy caught my attention.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I believe my ex chose this woman because she didn't have kids and can be his drinking buddy too. I don't drink, I don't like going to smoky bars, and I don't generally like drunks. I know that was part of the attraction. I wasn't enough fun. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I am just beginning to explore the part that his drinking has played in our marriage. I do know that I have often felt like I wasn't "fun enough" also. <P>As I begin to look at our marriage through a different lens, I have begun to see much his drinking affected both he and I. It saddens me to think of how much time I wasted wondering what was wrong with me; wasn't I exciting enough, interesting enough, fun enough, etc?<P>Two points made on this board that hit home with me were 1) it's like living with a sieve; they can never be "filled-up" 2)OW provides companionship in and acceptance of the drinking. <P>We never outwardly addressed the drinking, but I know now that I (subconsciously)rejected it by my actions. The more his life revolves around drinking, the further I withraw; All the while trying the fix the marriage when it was a much bigger problem at hand.<P>You've been on these boards awhile and have probably heard all of this before. Please forgive me if I am being redundant. Just want you to know that I do understand the drinking buddy attraction and the feeling that the betrayed spouse is left with.<P>God Bless,<BR>Enlightened<P>

Hi Keri,<P>It's NOT you. I know, I have my days where it IS me too, but we have to keep remembering that we were the ones that wanted to work through all this. They did not. They chose their new lives.<P>You post hit a nerve with me tonight. My ex-h has just had the children for 2 weeks, where he took them interstate to visit his parents, and then had them for a week at his house. I got them back last Sunday. He babysat 3 nights this week from 5.30 pm to 8.30 pm while I was at work, and then said this to me as he was asking about the weekend.<P>"Have I got this weekend off?.<P>I thought to myself, yep, sure, you've got this weekend off from the responsibility of your children. Just walk away when it all gets a bit too hard for you. sometimes I wish he would walk, and walk and walk. In <BR>any direction as long as it is away from me.<P>It wasn't really much, and I know he didn't mean it the way it came out, but for god's sake, asking if he's got the weekend off from his children..... As if they are something you buy and return when you decide you don't like them anymore. <BR>Oh wait, he did decide that. When he decided he didn't want me, he decided he didn't want them either......<P>Sorry, I didn't mean to go off here on your post. There was a point somewhere in all that, but now it's gone. Oh yes, that's my point. He's had them for 2 weeks, 2 measly weeks and he's tired. Guess what Buddy, that's my life now.<P>But Keri, you are the better person here. You always have been. And you know it. You tried, and you tried your hardest, but there's only so much you can do on your own.<P>One thing did concern me. Your working full time, and studying full time. I'm also working full time (although a shift worker which somehow seems to mean more time off) but I can only manage to study part-time. Could you do that? Does your uni offer part-time? I'm doing my course by correspondence. I've only got 8 subjects to go, in my Bachelor of Business (Management)<BR>I understand how tired you must be, just from working and studying, not to mention raising your children. That is also a full time job. So all up, you have 3 fulltime jobs. Girl, you need to give yourself a break...<P>Please think about that, give yourself a break.<P>And let them get on with their lives. I don't believe for one minute that they will be genuinely happy. How could they be. I hear what you are saying about his family and marrying OP, but one thing I have learnt from all this, is that things are not always as they seem.<P>Please take care of you, you are your first priority. Because if you're not, and you get sick, who looks after your little ones. <P>We're here for you, don't ever forget that. I got from your post that you felt so alone, like you were the only one who felt like you do. You're not you know. My ex-h has moved on without a backward glance, and has not said sorry. (He has mentioned that he gets upset when he thinks about all the hurt he has caused - is that his apology do you think??)<P>anyway, we need to let them go, and do whatever it is they want to do, because we are too busy taking care of us and our children. I try so hard not to think about his life, or how happy he is, usually it works. Try it.<P>take care of you please, and know that I'm thinking about you, and praying for you.<P>Jo<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>When I call over to ex's, OW will not<BR> answer the phone. She won't attend anything I am attending.<BR> Ex-H won't even have her in the car when he picks up the kids.<BR> Do you have an opinion about that? Why would she avoid me like<BR> that? It's not like their relationship is a big secret or anything.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sounds like guilt to me. Since she has behaved like an immoral piece of trash, it is probably pretty hard to face the person she has hurt.