Some of the things I have read (I only wish I could remember where) suggest that when someone develops strategies for dealing with old issues, they frequently result in unhealthy imbalances (e.g. where you find repressive behavior in one area, you'll find compulsive behavior in another). The danger here is that you may be fooled into thinking you're making good progress in your personal growth, only to find that you have been blindsided by a new hangup in a completely different area of your life.<P>Based on other things that I have read and what various people have told me, I get the impression that it is quite common for someone who had a troubled childhood to experience a sudden "meltdown" in their late twenties to mid thirties.<P>I have gotten the impression that there are a lot of people on this board whose spouses fit this profile. My own wife has a family history of abuse (her father was an alcoholic), and she left me suddenly at the age of 34 after a year marked by enormous mood swings and increasing withdrawal. Her subsequent words and actions have made her seem almost schizophrenic. <P>I'm wondering three things: first, does anyone know where I might find more information about these ideas; second, do these ideas resonate with anyone here; and third, is this the onset of a mental illness or is it just "the fog"?<BR>

From recent personal experience, I would agree. let's say, an abnormal childhood may not produce normal levels and abilities of coping mechanisms. In Private Lies, Frank Pittman produces a thesis that if one is a social loser/dropout/buffoon during the social development years of highshool and college, there is an increased tendency for lacking confidence in highly charged sexual engagements, and can therefore relive the younger days with a fling, or a divorce to marry a bar fly!<P>now, people with mental illness do not come to the same conclusions or think the same way as everyone else. so it is tough to identify sometimes, especially when the person is highly functioning in most other areas.<P>In my X's case, her parental issues, her social issues, her career decision issues, and her marriage decision issues all came crashing down on her at once!<P>I had a similar experience in graduate school, whereby I had a three very important personal influences hit me all at once, and it was very hard to deal with, as well as pay attention to my education. I am a firm believer that abnormal childhood have an increased probability of "blowing up" in the future without recognition and counseling to overcome the problem.<P>I overcame my wierdness, but it required alot of self awareness, which mental illness people do not have. remember, with mi, they consider themselves normal in most respects. its only the normal that can recognize problems and change.<P>tom

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:<BR><B>I'm wondering three things: first, does anyone know where I might find more information about these ideas</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>I'd look into the works of Milton Erickson and his followers. The idea that if you fix "A", then new problem "B" arises to relieve some underlying pressure sounds more Freudian than anything else, and I would think that it's *not* always the case.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>second, do these ideas resonate with anyone here</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>I think that troubled childhoods may cause people to reach out for others early; before they have come to really understand their wants and needs. The early outside relationship gives them "cover" to break some apron-strings. But doesn't necessarily last because its foundation isn't solid. Once the refugee feels secure, they begin to critically evaluate the new relationship, and if it isn't to their liking, they look toward discarding it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>third, is this the onset of a mental illness or is it just "the fog"?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It may be a manifestation of mental illness ... borderline personality disorder or the like; or the fog ... or the clearing of a fog. The cases are individual, even if they often have common threads.<P>I still often question whether my XW was morally responsible for leaving me, or in some state that robbed her of that capacity. And if her actions were reprehensible, what was the degree of the crime? And if it deserves punishment, am I the one to punish? And whether I am so devoid of mercy as to follow through with the punishment? Should her career be the price of leaving me?<P>So far, the "No"s are holding their ground, but it's an ongoing internal debate. There's enough fog to go around.

My husband had a very loving family--and he's so kwazy!! He acts schizo, too.<P>His mom and dad family's both were from Ireland. They were very poor and had a lot of alcohol problems and physical abuse in the former generation, the one that came from Ireland. The way my mom in law talks still reflects the aftermath of this lifestyle. She has told me the story a hundred times of how she went to go find her father in the pub to tell him that her mother was getting ready to have her seventh or so baby, and having her mother falling down the front steps to take her own self to the doctor. She is afraid of sickness (anyone's) and drunkeness. She scrimps and saves money obsessively. Family business is to be keep quiet. But they were wonderful people.<P>"Something" happened to my husband in his college years that he won't talk about. All that I know is that his dad died and he all the decided that he was an atheist, after being very studious and devoted in his religion. (He was Catholic, of course.)<P>I was desperate to understand what could have happened. I, not being Catholic myself, went to the Catholic chaplain and asked what could be going through my husband's head. He couldn't tell me. <P>I still don't understand.<p>[This message has been edited by Bernzini (edited January 13, 2001).]