well really don't know. Maybe the story will help (Reader's Digest version).<P>Fifteen years ago, I left my first wife with four small children to pursue my great "love" for my now WS.<P>Being the original WS, I was heavily into the fog. For years. Wasn't a very good dad for a time. Over the past 10 years, I have worked very hard to improve my relationship with the kids from my first marriage, to the point now where we are all very close. I could go on and on about what a great dad I am, but will spare you the details. I'm just a guy trying to do the best I can.<P>So just over a year ago, my wife starts the same thing that I did those many years ago. It has been stated many times on this board how all of the WS seem to be reading from the same hymnal. You know, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you," "I want to find myself," ad nauseum. She is pretty much following in my footsteps. As a matter of fact, when this stuff started happening, I told her that I had been through this before, only I was my ex-wife and she was me.<P>So this brings me to my question. It is only now that I have had the last remnants of the fog ripped from my eyes. And now, as near as I can tell, I have experienced what I put my first wife and my children through.<P>So, opinions please. Should I go to my 1st ex and tell her how sorry I am that I did what I did? Not to try to make up, it is much too late for that. But now that I understand what I put her through, I am truely sorry that I did these things.<P>Thanks in advance for your input

Oh Lordy, Lordy, been there, done that!<P>I have just volumes and volumes to say on this--the hard realization of what I had done years ago. The people that I hurt. The tears that I shed. Blindly clinging to anything and anyone for security and having stability. I never want to go through that again--yet I am, on the other side of the coin.<P>I am NOT the same person that I was then. If doing what I did is what it takes to grow, then sometimes I wished I hadn't.<P>I have three beautiful children--about a third of my paycheck goes to two of them for child support, I see them on weekends and I wrangle for parental rights with The Stepcreature. And I am raising the third and youngest, my son, alone without his father.<P>Growing up, as a good Christian girl, all I wanted was to marry a nice quiet farmer or rancher and have a bunch o' kids, a big loving Walton family. So what happened?<P>What happened: My discontent, selfishnes, restlessness with life and where I saw it heading with a person that I didn't think real hard about when I married. And then I married the absolute love of my life, put up with years of his crap with absolute devotion, hoping that I could love the anger right out of him. Then I was betrayed and ditched by him.<P>Some would say this is karma. I kinda sorta believe in Karma, actually.<P>I, too, have recently been entertaining thoughts of inviting my prison guard ex-husband to lunch, discreetly (his wife would have the biggest cow) and tell him that I AM SO SORRY and I totally understand now. I understand his hurt, what I put him through. He would probably look at me with the same vacant gaze in his eyes that he did when we were married, but I at least owe him something. I think my apology is long overdue. It may put things somewhat right with my world.<P>

IMHO...<P>It is never too late to apologise or make amends to those we have wronged...<P>Just check your motives and share from the heart...<P>Bill

Absolutely. You should tell her. Your selfishness turned her life upside down and since you MARRIED the OW and totally disregarded the marriage vows you made to your 1st wife, she needs your apology for closure.<P>I'm sorry that you are being hurt right now for I know the pain a betrayed spouse feels, but dammit, what goes around comes around. It's fitting.<P>I don't want to put you through more than what you're going though, but you're getting exactly what you deserve.<P>Take this opportunity to get yourself right, especially if you believe in God.<P>Now, can you please help me understand what the hell my wife is thinking? Does your brain totally stop functioning when you are in the "fog" or what? Is this fantasy the only thing you can see? Do you totally disregard the consequences? How do you justify it?<P>I know I'm coming through negatively, but I was betrayed and my wife is still seeing the OM. My wife is a completely different person now than the one I married. I'm sorry I'm coming through so strongly, but I just want to take people like this, shake them, and ask them what in the world they are thinking.<P>Good Luck.<BR>This is your opportunity to wipe the slate clean and move on.<P><p>[This message has been edited by father of 1, husband of 0 (edited January 13, 2001).]

Father of One,<P>I have been meaning to sit down and write out my sordid story to share because I think that it is important and that it may give hope to those that are hopeless. And maybe prevent others from making my same mistakes. I have just been SO busy!!<P>I made a deal with these rotten kids of mine that if I took them to see a movie tonight that they would rack out as soon as we got home--and they have not held up their end of the bargain (see, I am more of a playmate than an authority figure--one of the costs of my waywardness) I was figuring that tonight I would write a long letter to y'all that I would hope that you would read.<P>I am a new person because of what happened so many years ago. That's why I understand my husband so well, and don't feel that I can really justify being angry with him. But then again, I can't get him to see what has become so evident to me because I have been there. It is so frustrating! More frustrating than it is to some of you that have been so faithful in your lives.

grandpabri,<P>"But now that I understand what I put her through, I am truely sorry that I did these things."<P>I think that acknowledging the above to your XW would be the way to go. Sure, you'd probably feel pretty vulnerable by being honest but like what was said earlier, it is never too late to make amends. We all have to live in our own skin and face that mirror on the wall every day.<P>My kids dad and I have been divorced now going on 22 years. We both remarried for 15-16 years and are both single now. We have come to terms with each other. He has apologised for past deeds, as have I. As a matter of fact I have shared MB information with him to try to save his marriage. Our relationship is much better for each of us taking our own accountabilty. This is why I say it is never too late. <P>Let us know what you decide to do. I for one, appreciate you sharing your honesty!<P>Best of luck!<P>Ragamuffin

grandpabri,<P>Absolutely, I think you should tell her. My H has been gone almost two years, divorced me, and has treated his children horribly, and never shown an ounce of remorse. It would help so much if I could see even a glimpse of the man I married - to know that it wasn't just a quarter of a century of illusion. <P>The part I have the hardest time dealing with is the way he treats his children. They disrupt the "atmosphere" in the OW's home - consequently he won't allow the four youngest to visit simultaneously, and he is currently allowing them to visit only about half a day a month. He won't set foot in our house - last week our young daughter was sick with a fever, and she got up and stood in front of the open door in 20 degree weather to give her father a hug, because she knows he won't come in. His son has begged him to see more of them and he refuses. When they were still allowed to visit overnight, he told the 11 and 14 year old that if they felt the need to call me to say goodnight, maybe they shouldn't visit him overnight. Our oldest two children don't speak to him at all - one of them has not spoken to him since the night he left.<P>He used to be a devoted father who would do almost anything for his kids. You said that you weren't a very good dad for "a time." Can I ask how long? My H is getting worse and worse. Maybe it is already to late to repair any of the damage he has done to their relationship. He left just as our only son was approaching adolescence - probably the worst possible time in his life to leave. <P>Can you tell me anything that will help me understand his behavior?

Grandpabri,<P>It is never too late to recognize a mistake.<BR>It is never too late to become willing to make amends.<P>It is OK to try to make amends to those we have harmed except when to do so would injure them or others.<P>The only uncertainity is that we can't predict results. From personal experience, about 98% of the apologies I've made were accepted and we went on from there.<P>Timing is very important. There is an old country saying I learned as a kid in Wyoming, "If you have to eat crow, it is best to do it while it is still warm." Even though it has been several years, it might be a relief for your ex just to hear you say it. Somebody already pointed out that you need to check your own motives first. You might find that the first person you need to apologize to is yourself.<BR> <BR>My guess is that your ex will respond with kindness, and that just by apologizing, both of you are going to be a lot more at ease working with each other to do what you still need to do together for your children. <P>I too have been the BS, WS and the OM. I don't know if cheaters all read from the say hymnal, but we are damn sure seated in the same pew.<P>You are in my prayers.<P>Bumper

I really admire you for your thoughts. My H left me for the OW 3 months ago and you can see by my latest board message that at the moment I an having a real hard time.<P>If oneday my H could see what he has done to me and my D, and understand the hurt and was man enough to call and apologise I would think so much better of him.<P>You are a real man. Go and apologies, give your ExW time to let it sink in, she may get a bit angry with you. Dont tell her it is because it is now happening to you because she will think it is for sympathy. Be sincere.<P>I AM PROUD OF YOU.<P>As the other party I would love for you to reply to my latest board message (I am on a downer). Thoughts from the otherside.

I thought that I would add my two cents worth on this.... It is never too late to apologize. <P>On a personal side note, I would have loved to have heard an apology WHEN my H had an A on me... despite that it was not what ended the marriage, and despite that it was so many years ago, he did recently say that he was sorry and that it was wrong of him to have done it. Although the apology does not change where he and I are today, it did do a lot for some of the ill feelings I had keep inside in regards to him all of these years. And although I forgave him for the A and had accepted it as a part of him after it had happened, the apology did do a lot.<P>So, IMHO I would say to do it. It could never hurt.<P>~Java

HI old friend,<BR> Well, you have much wisdom and I'm sure you'll do the right thing. I would IF it wouldn't hurt her now. I'm sure EVERYONE needs to hear it though. GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK

<B>Bernzini:</B> <P>Yeah, I don't know how her present husband would react. He was our roommate way back when, then he got married and moved away. When he came back and his marriage fell apart, they hooked up. The kids can't stand him. We shall see. I need to think about my motives and make sure to the best of my ability that they are honorable.<P><B>father of 1:</B><P>You are right, although I can see that you post with much pain. The old kharmic wheel has done it's number on me. Our first custody hearing was on my first wife's birthday.<P>I don't have a lot of answers about the fog. What can you say? No, you don't look at the long term. You think you are, but the relationship is new, the sex is great, you don't have the responsibilities that weighed on your shoulders, and life is good. Or so you think. One forgets that going through the fire makes us stronger.<P><B>To all the rest that responded:</B><P>Thanks. I'll let you know how it works out<P>Frank, nice to see you around.