My divorce will be final on Thursday (1-14). My soon-to-be ex-husband (moved 1500 miles away)called Monday (1-11) night every hour on the hour and left two voice messages indicating that he wants to reconcile. He's says, "he's willing to do whatever it takes". Even if I go through with the divorce, he wants to work towards marrying again. We do not have children and we were only married 2-1/2 months (living in the same house).<p>He wanted to reconcile approx. 1 month ago and that ended with him telling me "I'm not what he wants". At the time, he said, "that's why he criticised me all the time". He wants me to move to the new State. I'm not moving to another state because I don't feel I can depend on him to be there for me. I've told him that I can't trust him because I know he can dump me without conscience. It's probably not fair to tell him to move back -not that he'd do it. <p>I feel like a yoyo -4 months have passed since he moved out. Now he wants me, now he doesn't, Now he wants me, now he doesn't, now he wants me -get the idea. <p>He called me at work this morning and asked for my decision. I didn't say yes or no. I asked him why he wants me "now" and he couldn't answer -he said just take it on faith. During the conversation, he began blaming me for the breakup of our marriage. I told him:<br>1. I am not responsible for his problems. 2. I am not going to allow anyone to mistreat me the way he did.<br>3. If I were to consider reconciliation, he'd have to get individual counseling<br>4. I'm not going to tolerate emotional abuse anymore<p>I'm so afraid of being hurt again. It seems that each time I get close to healing, he opens the wound again with talks of reconciliation. Truthfully, I don't think he knows what he wants. Although, this time, he sounds sincere. How can I work through this? Has anyone encountered a similar situation? Anyone involved with an emotionally abusive husband -can they change? <p>He will call tonight (1-12) to talk. I was hoping to have some advice before I communicate with him. Any help would be appreciated. <p>*****<br>Thanks for the responses. The divorce is final. <p><br><p>[This message has been edited by iamlovable (edited 01-16-99).]

iamlovable,<p>Hold your ground. If you accept him back make it known that you absolutely will not tolerate the abuse of the past. If he comes back it should be on a trial basis to prove his real intentions. He should be the one who has to demonstrate change. I don't think you should put your life in any more turmoil over it, except what you decide to contribute to make it all work.<br>A person who has really changed and made up their mind will exhibit a consistency of different behavior and a focus on doing the right thing. Vacilation from old behavior to new is really no change at all. He is not in a position to dictate terms. That's part of the humiliation of having done it wrong all the time. If he really wants you he'll be willing to accept you on your terms. Not in a slovenly manner as if to say you can wipe your feet on him. But in recognition that you are an individual and that he will have to remember to respect you in a way he never did before.<br>Don't be fooled by a false humility. My brother-in-law was great a short term changes so that my sister would let him back into her life. But it wasn't long until it was business as usual. Nobody deserves that. I truly hope he has changed, and that this will be the start of a great marriage for you both. But if he hasn't you won't be doing either of you any favors to allow him back.

iamlovable,<p>Hold your ground. If you accept him back make it known that you absolutely will not tolerate the abuse of the past. If he comes back it should be on a trial basis to prove his real intentions. He should be the one who has to demonstrate change. I don't think you should put your life in any more turmoil over it, except what you decide to contribute to make it all work.<br>A person who has really changed and made up their mind will exhibit a consistency of different behavior and a focus on doing the right thing. Vacilation from old behavior to new is really no change at all. He is not in a position to dictate terms. That's part of the humiliation of having done it wrong all the time. If he really wants you he'll be willing to accept you on your terms. Not in a slovenly manner as if to say you can wipe your feet on him. But in recognition that you are an individual and that he will have to remember to respect you in a way he never did before.<br>Don't be fooled by a false humility. My brother-in-law was great at short term changes so that my sister would let him back into her life. But it wasn't long until it was business as usual. Nobody deserves that. I truly hope he has changed, and that this will be the start of a great marriage for you both. But if he hasn't you won't be doing either of you any favors to allow him back.

iamlovable,<p>I'd suggest that you get a very good marriage counselor to help you with this reconciliation. I think you gave your husband a very good list. I'd also suggest that you do marriage counseling together, of course.<p>I think that it's pretty clear you aren't going to be able to handle the yo-yo effect much more. A professional who has dealt with this situation before would be able to give you advice on how to 'maximize' your reconciliation success. Steve Harley at Marriage Builders is very good, and he may be able to recommend someone locally.

Thanks for the replies. My ex-husband called last night. I held my ground and told him I'm not moving to another state. He seemed to understand when I explained my concern about giving up everything (friends, work, family) when he's proven that he'll dump me at the drop of a hat.<p>He asked if I knew of a work around. I mentioned that, "I would transfer to the State he's lives in, if my company had a branch there". He quickly replied that, "his company has an office in my City". He then said that, "he doesn't feel secure about giving up his job in the new State" -he likes the new project he's working on. We both agreed that we couldn't work things out living in different States. I was quick to point out that we both must make decisions that we feel comfortable with since they will affect our futures. I guess we've reached another impasse.<p>Tomorrow I will go through with the divorce.

Iamlovable- <p>YOU ARE LOVABLE!!!!!<p>His response to working things out was basically: I like my job here more than I care about us being together. He is just going through pangs of lonleliness and is realizing what he has lost (you...). But obviously you are not his #1 priority.<p>He has a lot of growing up to do. One thing I have accepted in my own situation is that even when our divorce is final I do not have to stop loving my H. The love I carry for him will change with time - and maybe we will remain friends, maybe not, but I can still keep a special place for him in my heart. Someday, when I chose to love another, I will look back at that love and say: " I was capable of giving so much, and I will again".<p>You need to take care of yourself now- please pamper yourself and tell yourself that you are special! Give yourself time to heal.<p>Janet

iamlovable,<br> Yes I know exactly what you are going<br>through! My wife did the same thing to me!<br>I moved 5 months ago to a different state,<br>she yes, no-ed me the entire time to the point where I almost let go. She called 2 weeks ago and asked ME to take her back which<br>is a switch! I left the rest up to her because she has to show me she means it. She <br>has put in for the transfer and it looks like<br>a go; however she talks more of her job than<br>she does of being a family. I think we are<br>riding the same roller-coaster. Right now<br>I have only a flicker of hope but am still<br>willing, but only for 50-50 . It took me a <br>long time to say OK now what about ME? And let her take the initiative to show me she <br>cares.<br> I guess I am saying I know the road you<br>are on...hang in there. Talking helps I <br>have found. And this is a great place to <br>let it out!! I wish you the best!

I think you made the right decision the first time. You guys should split now before there are any kids in the picture.<p>I had a similar situation and it never got better. I finally got my fill of emotional abuse and did not allow him back in my life after he broke it off one time and wanted me back. <p>I was glad he wanted me back and it was tempting, but that was part of his manipulation. He would tear me down (emotionally) then go off, and come back teling me he can't live without me and how much he missed me. He promised to change his rotten ways. He never got better and he is someone elses problem now.<p>It doesn't sound like you have been truly happy riding this roller coaster so don't get back on for the next ride. My motto is "if he dumps you one time it is his fault, the next time it is yours." If you think this is worth saving because the good times are worth it, I used to feel the same way. It used to make my old manipulator so happy to have me come back to him, it is some twisted ego problem he had. <p><br>Obviously, this guy is not ready to change or he would not be blaming you for your past problems. That is the past, it seems immature and unfair to blame you for all of it. If he wants back together then that is where his focus should be not on who did what to whom.<p>Also, another observation: you don't want to move and you think it is unfair to ask him to move. Where you are going to live should not be a problem if you both really want to live together. Surely, you can find some middle ground here. It is not a to not reconcile, but if he cannot stop being emotionally abusive that is a reason not to reconcile. <p>I wanted my abuser back for a couple of years after we broke it off. It was not easy to ignore all of his attempts to reconcile. I moved to another town, got unlisted phone number, and changed the plates on my car, and changed the appearance of my car so I could avoid him. He still found me and wanted to reconcile. I found support in my family and friends and got some hobbies. I needed time away from him to figure out how I felt about him. All of his verbal abuse and emotional abuse (coming and going) really confused me. I felt like when he came back I should be privledged (after all I was boring according to him). After two years I could see how wrong he was for me. I was so caught up with emotions before that I couldn't even think.<p>If your situation is like mine I recommend some time to yourself. If you want to trust him with your heart again, good luck. Maybe, one day you will get your fill of it. That is really what it takes in these kind of relationships sometimes. No amount of good advice or bad advice will help you. You will probably follow your heart. You had to think about taking him back. That must mean something to you. Good luck, I hope he treats you better or one day learns to treat someone else better.<br>