<BR>I havent looked at the board for a few days because I have had a real low time.<BR>My anger manifested itself again, ( I think the PMT didnt help) I got obessed and rang him he had just got back from holiday with 'OW. I had a real go at him on the telephone he rang me back later saying he needed some down time which he spent with OW not on his own. He is always there. He never rings me from his house and I only get yes no answers when he is with her.<P>Look I know what I did was bad I dont need lectures in that. He only left me for OW on the 1 Nov and he was ringing me up intil the day he left for their holiday wanting to come and visit and wanting sex. I said NO.<BR>That was a week ago. He is still using me, and unfortunately when he is nice it is like the old H is there the one I know. He hung up in my ear then she turned her answer phone on so I left numerous messages.<P>D was supposed to go on holiday with him this week but the travel arrangements changed 4 times. He was supposed to be driving her but decided that it he would spend another couple of nights with OW instead and meet D at the bach who will travel with hergrandfather. There is a lot more too this. In the end I decided that she wouldnt go, (yes I am the bad person again) I had enough of the changing stories and lies. It is easy for hom to say sorry after but he shouldnt do it in the first place.<P>I have been able to get some free help as D and I now live of $60 a week for food and pertrol a huge drop in life style again not my choice.<P>Can anyone help re the anger and give some advise in what they do. Or was it just PMT. I have been to the doctor re PMT and doing something about that and I am on antidepressants.<P>It just Hurts that he is happy and gets what he wants with no respect or regard to what he has done.........I do have somegood days too<P>

It sounds like the antidepressant you're on might be ineffectual for you. Anger was suppressed until I tried to wean from mine--then roared back ... on and off ... it gradually softened as I would temporarily return to the antidepressant and quit again. <P>I think a lot of people miss your posts because the NZ usages are off-putting to them. <P>PMT=PMS?<BR>ring/rang=call/called or phoned<BR>holiday=vacation<BR>petrol=gas/fuel<P>It's not that stupid Americans can't figure this out. It just frays the tenuous thread of internet empathy.

The worst part of the anger in a divorce is that the one you direct it at really can't feel it - the fog protects them. So you end up spending all your time and energy obsessing over THEM while they spend little, if any, time remembering you even exist.<P>The only way I get through it when anger rises up is to vent all my anger and frustration to a close friend or family member. In my saner moments I remind them that this is emotional venting and not necessarily grounded in fact all the time. (When I really get going I know I tend to exaggerate his awful behaviors and give him zero credit for having ever done a good thing in his life). I don't want them to DO anything...just let me vent and wallow.<P>Gary Zukav (Oprah regular) says that extreme anger is really just unacknowledged fear. We are afraid of being unloveable, afraid all their blame/accusations might be true, afraid it might really be our fault, afraid of being alone or ending up lonely for the rest of our lives, afraid that OW/OM might really be the RIGHT person for stbx, etc. All of this manifests in angry responses and lashing out.<P>You might try writing about those fears...imagine them to be real or true - worst case scenario. What would it be like for you - think it all the way through and write down your thoughts. Each time out of control anger hits, do this instead of calling him up - he just won't get it - you can't explain your feelings to him in a way he'll understand because he does not *want* to feel empathy for you. Empathy = guilt. WS avoid empathy for the dumpee at all costs.<P>Hope this helps...advice is so much easier to give than to live!!

rjs,<P>I know this is going to sound strange, but I know exactly how you feel. My stbxH left Feb. 3rd, and I still occasionally get my hopes up and act silly, when he has made it abundantly clear that he has thrown me aside. <P>Here's the thing. I suspect that your "anger" is not so much really being angry at him as it is being hurt. Hurt that he uses you for sex. Hurt that he has OW and always wants to be with her. Hurt that he toys with your heart and it doesn't seem to bug him at all. Hurt that you went from an "okay" lifestyle to basically poverty. Hurt that doesn't call you anymore. Hurt that he took HER on holiday and not you.<P>I bet PMS has a portion to do with it, and it probably has magnified emotions that are already there. I think antidepressants might be helpful. Yet the underlying problem will still remain: you are very hurt. <P>Can I be honest? I think you need to write a letter addressed to him, but for your eyes only (in other words, don't mail it), and say EXACTLY what is on your heart. Yell and scream and rage at him. Swear a little. Write in big, bold, capital letters. Write down exactly the way you hear it in your head and exactly what you feel: anger, sorrow, rejection, everything. I think it would help a lot.<P>You'll be in my thoughts today.<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I have a friend who has been recommending Paxil to me very strongly. She is on it and she says it is highly effective for handling anxieties. It evens out your depression/anxiety and, I suspect, might help with the anger. She seems like a different person.

Hi rjs,<P>boy do I feel for you. Having been there, and done that, all I can say is this.<BR>THEY DON'T GET IT, AND THEY NEVER WILL.<P>i can only speak from my personal experience. My ex-h has never acknowledged anything. He has never spoken about anything that has happened betw. us. He has just moved on. Left a wife and 2 beautiful young d's. Without a backward glance.<BR>We were a typical case. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, with the perfect house and the perfect children. Fairytale stuff. We had a good marriage, but it was tired. He needed to devote some time to his family, instead of business. I needed to let go of my resentments and stop 'sweating the small stuff'. We needed some time together, just us two. It never happened. He got fired, he moved interstate for 6 weeks while I sold our house and in that time, started his affair with a girl he now worked with. That was it. End of marriage and end of story.<BR>How shocked do you think I was. I had no idea, and then he chose her. So I moved here to Bne, to be with my family. He and ow lasted 6 months, and then he moved here too, to be close to his daughters.<BR>Now he is on his 5th girlfriend. He's having a wonderful time.<BR>I'm the one left raising our two daughters, struggling for money when previously we had lived a very comfortable existence.<P>My point to all this is this. You can move on. You will move on. Let yourself feel the anger but don't act on it. They will never understand where you are coming from, because they have never been there. They are being totally selfish and self-absorbed. That's just the way the do 'affairs' these days.<BR>you need to start focussing on you. I don't know your story, do you have children.? I know for me, my 2 girls have been my life savers at times.<BR>you need to start improving yourself. And by that, I don't mean improving yourself for him or anyone else, but for YOU. Do a course, start some charity work, have a facial every week if that's what you want, but PAMPER YOU. <BR>If ever there was a time that you needed some attention and care and pampering, it is now.<P>what helped me get through this, and the feelings of complete anger, was to focus on something else. anything else. I went back to work, and I start uni again in Feb. I only have 8 subjects to go and then I've finished my degree.<P>You need to get rid of thoughts of him and her that go round in your head. One way i learnt to do this is from Anthony Robbins. he says that having bad thoughts in your mind, and revisiting them time and time again is the same as going to see a bad movie time and time again. you just wouldn't do that would you?<BR>so every time I have a mind flash of them together, I repeat this little mantra<BR>"Bad movie, bad movie, bad movie"<P>It really does seem to work.<P>I have a 2 yo screaming at me at the moment, have to go. I'll try and get back soon<P>take care of you, and big big hugs<P>Jo

As a current user of Paxil, I can honestly say that the drug has worked wonders for me. My doctor prescribed me Paxil for depression and Adavan for anxiety. I didn’t like the drug for anxiety because it made me very ‘spacey’ (no comments from the peanut gallery). The Paxil is mainly taken to level off my mood swings and to reduce the frequency of times that I break out in tears. I was constantly on the verge of tears, sobbing during every sad song and each time something triggered a memory from my marriage. I was having trouble functioning with daily tasks and the Paxil has helped dramatically.<P>If you are concerned about taking a prescription anti-depressant, I have been told that St. John’s Wart is a natural supplement that will do just about the same thing. <BR>