I recently found out that my husband has been cross dressing. We have been married for 5 years and have known each other for 6 1/2 years. I never suspected anything like this from him. We went to a marriage counselor (psychologist)who basically was all for his cross dressing and told me I had to allow him to do this. I decide we would not see this counselor anymore because she was all for him and practically called me closed minded. She was causing more friction than anything else. Our next counselor called it a sex addiction. My husband hated this counselor. I am not sure this method of therapy (12 step program) is correct for my husband since he has been cross dressing since middle school. <p>I guess for me the biggest thing is he should have told me before we got married, had a baby, etc. I probably would not have married him. He knew that and that is why he did not tell me. When he finally did reveal all he has been doing behind my back I was very angry at him for keeping a secret. <p>I was worried about what this means. I thought I wasn't woman enough, etc. I know it is his problem, but it bothers me. He says now that he doesn't ever want to do it again and that he is not a cross dresser. The problem is I don't believe him. This issue came up before and he then denied feeling that way and said it was just a joke. I believed him. I feel betrayed. I am so disillusioned with him and my marriage. I have a baby so I feel really stuck. I can't just leave my husband because his family is really terrible (as you can imagine they produced a cross-dresser). I don't trust them with my baby because I believe there is a lot of abuse (verbal, sexual, etc.) in the family. Some of it I know for sure. So, I cannot risk my baby being around them without me present which is what would happen if I divorce my husband.<p>I just don't know what to do. Sometimes my husband and I get along so well and we have good times together. We share several of the same interests. Most of the time he finds things to do without me and we don't spend much time together. I noticed that he does that when he doesn't want to work on our problems. I never have gotten a sincere apology from him for all he has put me through. I feel he should be at my mercy for all he has done. I am perfectly honest with him and for him to keep such a shocking secret really upsets me. I don't believe he will stop the cross dressing. I think he will hide it better. <p>I caught him putting on sculptured nails one day. He has been wearing my clothes, lingere, and makeup too. He has looked at men dressed as women on the internet. When I found girl pictures in the memory I asked him what he had been doing. He denied looking at anything inappropriate. A year later he confessed to looking at women. And now he confessed the women were men. When he dresses he tucks his penis and testes up so they are out of sight. So, I think he is pretty in to this stuff. He has asked me to participate in a lesbian sex thing (him being one of the lesbians and I the other). That also made me think he was sick. I would do almost anything with my husband, but not that.<p>I don't think it is unfair to ask him to only dress like a man since he is a man and that is what I contracted for when I married him. Is it too much to ask a man to always act like a man? <p>The problem this is causing for me is I don't trust him now. I also have a different image of him. A less appealing image. I never thought of him that way before, but now I don't find him attractive. I feel like I am married to a freak. If I try to go back to the old us I am afraid of being deceived again. There is no answer to my problems. I am stuck. I wish I never married him. He knows how I feel, and he believes he can change the way I feel. I am not as sure. I feel sorry for him that he has this problem and he has an awful family. I feel that I will never be truly happy with him and I won't be able to pursue it until my baby is grown. <p>What are your feelings?

Wow Lindasue, Sounds like you've got your hands full!<p>It sounds to me like the problem is that in addition to keeping the truth from you, he expects YOU to do all the changing and accepting.<p>Obviously, he didn't trust you with the choice to accept him as he was because he didn't disclose his crossdressing to you before you were married. <p>I don't know how much of his practices you care to or can accept, but I think that he needs to be willing to make some changes as well. Could you stand it if he still cross-dressed, but only under certain conditions? (Not that I could imagine what acceptable conditions would be....)<p>As for counsellors that tell you "accept it", that's easy for them to say. Harder for you to do.<p>I think that your H "falsly represented" himself to you and now he is "not as advertised". Personally, I think that cross-dressing is a "sickness" (yes, I'm a conservative, guess who I didn't vote for.) although many may disagree. So I think HE should spend some serious time with therapists with the intend of being cured from his perversion.<p>I don't know if a "middle-ground" approach will work for you. I think you either have to accept it, even embrace it, or insist that it end completely.<p>You say he told you he "didn't want to do it anymore" and that he stopped? It sounds like he needs to spend some time on the couch with a good therapist.<p>As for the family problems, if you know abuse to exist (and can prove it) and you decide to part ways, a good lawyer can probably make sure your child isn't subject to this. <p>I hope that he loves you enough to earnestly seek a cure for his problem. It sounds like you care enough to forgive him and get over it - if he does become "normal".<p>Best of luck!<p>Val<p>PS. I don't think it's too much to ask that a man act like a man. But I'm old-fashioned. I think entirely too many people (like the first counselor) thinks it "OK" to be "yourself", regardless how weird that may be.

lindasue,<p>Your husband needs help, plain and simple. I will be bold enough to speak from the standpoint of my faith here (though I don't know yours) and say that he needs to turn his life over to Christ. That's the only sure fix I know for such a thing. You've already tried a therapist and seen what sort of damage they can do (when you don't find the right kind).<br>If he does not get straightened out I don't see why you should have to suffer under this. You and your child deserve to have a normal husband and father. There are enough problems that come with that territory, let alone trying to handle someone who can't decide what gender they want to represent.<br>My hope is that he wants to get help and that you would be able to remain his wife and help him overcome this. But if he will not get help of the right kind then you really don't have what you thought you were getting when you married him - a man ready to take on the responsibilities of married life.

My understanding of cross-dressing was always that the person was sexually aroused by dressing in clothing of the opposite sex. What you are describing sound far more like transexualism than cross-dressing (I think that's the right word) - your H wants to dress and make love like a woman, a gay woman - not just occasionally dress in your clothing. A friend on an email discussion list I'm on has a person who has shared their house who was born a male, felt like a female and had a sex change operation. After the sex-change operation, she became a lesbian. Not that I'm saying your H is wanting to have a sex-change, but that this is far more than cross-dressing, IMNSHO.<p>terri

Thanks for your replies.<p>Terri - you are correct about cross-dressers, sometimes there is sexual arousal. I know my husband is also aroused by this b/c when I caught him one time shaving he was "AROUSED". It also seems to me to be more than just the clothes. He learned how to disguise his voice as a woman. A while back I asked him if he wanted to be a girl. His reply "I don't know". I expected an emphatic "NO". Now he says things are different, but I don't really beleive it.<p>Bruce - Yes, he does need to hand his problem over to Christ and has recently expressed interest in attending church again. He has gone to one service. I hope it helps.<p>V - You are right he was expecting me to do all of the changing. He has finally apoligized for his selfish attitude. Is still bothers me that he is not "as advertised" but he says he is not going to cross-dress ever again. I am afraid that is not true (even if he wants it to be). <p>I still want him to go to therapy and for both of us to go. He does not want to go. I am going to go first to set a good example, besides I NEED it. I have to find a way to trust him again. I never have had to forgive someone for something like this before. My whole life is wrapped up in this person who lied to me. This is hard for me to forgive. I hope this nightmare is really over. I have even seen a psychic about this (she did not see a happy future for a long time). <p>I want to talk to my family about it, but they like my H and I think they are tired of hearing me complain about problems. So, I vent here. <p>thanks again for your advice.

lindasue,<p>If you've been reduced to seeing a psychic I could have predicted a not too happy future myself, free of charge.

Find a good Christian counselor for yourself and your husband. I don't believe in divorce so I would advise you to do anything you can to keep your marriage and make it a good one. Yes, it will take a lot of hard work rebuilding trust and love. Have a solid marriage is important for your child. Your child will use your example in their own relationships. Do everything you can, though, to make sure your child does not grow up with a father who is a crossdresser. It can cause serious problems for your child as he/she grows up.<p>From my own personal experience...my dad was a crossdresser. As a young child, I would be locked out of the house so I couldn't barge in exposing his secret to the neighbors. Can you imagine being a child locked out of your own home and having to knock to be let in? I also was not allow to come and go from the house. If I came in, I had to stay in. I waited and waited to go to the restroom because I knew I would not be allowed to go back out to play. As I got older, it got worse...I always feared my dad would rape me. He was weird. In my mind, I could never trust him. I found him going through my dresser drawers while he was dressed as a woman. It freaked me out so much I have never forgotten that picture in my mind. Fortunately, he never did touch me in a sexually inappropriate way.