I've talked to my parents, her brother, my pastor, and finally my sbtxw. Here is the take so far.<P>When I dropped off the duaghter Sunday afternoon I asked if we could talk (Wife and I) and I said the following.<P>Wife (Name withheld.) 'I love you, I now know what went on in your live growing up. I cannot even remotely understand the depth of your pain. I will not even pretend to you I understand. I only know that I am not this person that hurt you. My marriage vows that I took 11 years ago said for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. As I see it you have 2 options... 1. You can choice to repress or deny what happened to you in which case you should sign the papers and you can go on with your life how ever you see fit. You will go your way and I will go mine. and the healing will begin however we choice to heal in our own individual way. <P>The 2nd. option is we renew our marriage vows and start over, however there will be rather extreme caveats to this option, in that if you choice this option WE will be in the marriage in the true biblical sense of the word. Morally, physically, sexually, mentally, in communication, financially, In heart mind and spirt, everything, with complete openness and honesty. I will go with you to therapy, marriage counsuling, etc. I will hold your hand when times are tough and you are scared, I will cry with you, I will do what ever it takes for us to love. I will be completely honest in my dealings with you as a loving husband and father. I have talked to my parents and they said that the entire family (my side) will reach out and surround her with love and support. (Ie. this took them completely by surprise also) <P>I said; Be aware that I will not live this way anymore. I did not marry your father. I married you. I will not live like this anymore. I catagorically refuse. <P>Her response; What do you think I should do?<P>My response: My love, I'm sorry but this is 100% your call. I will love you what ever your decision. But you have to make the call. I need to heal, you need to heal and no healing can be done by either of us until a deciscion is made. I have filed for divorce. That bullet has been ignited and has just engaged the barrol(sp?) it can be stopped at any time up until it exits the rifle.. (no punn intended..) I repeat (wifes name) I WILL NOT LIVE LIKE THIS. and any advice I would provide would by biased because I love you so much. <P>This was sunday afternoon. I have had no response back so far. And to tell the truth I really don't expect one. I think she will choice the path of denial and sign the papers. I pray she won't butttt. <P>All this happened over the weekend. and here we are on monday. I did a lot of soul searching over this time and I have come to one understanding.. I WILL NOT LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE. If she choice to sign the document good, if she choices to get help, excellant. But I cannot fix this. I do not have the skill sets. All I can offer is love and what little understanding I can offer. I didn't marry her father but that is who I've been dealing with for a 1/4 of my life. No,NO,NO, I will not live like this. Flame me if you must. Its now my time to live in the light. I will help her if she choices. If not than so be it. <P>And the flaming starts. <BR>

No flames. Sadness that it has come to this. The right words are hard to find when something like this is happening. I can imagine so many turning points in my failed marriage where the right words or actions would have caused another outcome. <P>If I could say anything, I would say that if you don't want everything to be over, talk at length and in detail about the *path* that would bring the two of you back together. Not a *general* statement like "when you change." Describe what her first steps would look like, and how you might help her take them. <P>Your words, actions and beliefs have been pounding on one another like fists instead of playing each others like musical instruments. <P>Good luck.

AgoodManInTexas,<P>I don't know the details you are referring to about her father, but I think I can relate. For I feel a fair amount of the issues in my marriage relate back to her father (over 90% of our arguments since we met have had something to do with him).<P>Living in the past is a dangerous thing and it often ends up hurting those we are currently living with. It sounds like your wife has issues she needs to come to grips with (as I think mine does). And maybe, just maybe what you are doing will be the "kick in the butt" she needs. Unfortunately she may choose to leave and quit, but like you said, you can't do anything about it. Skeletons in people's closets are sometimes very difficult to face. She will need to do it when she is ready and there isn't much you can do to help that along.<P>I feel for you - ALOT. You can only own up to your own actions and you should not be forced to pay for things in her past.<P>Whatever the outcome is, I pray it is for the best. Be strong - be loving - but be firm.<P>My prayers are with you,<BR>Mike

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by AgoodManInTexas:<BR><B>I did a lot of soul searching over this time and I have come to one understanding.. I WILL NOT LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE. If she choice to sign the document good, if she choices to get help, excellant. But I cannot fix this. I do not have the skill sets. All I can offer is love and what little understanding I can offer. I didn't marry her father but that is who I've been dealing with for a 1/4 of my life. No,NO,NO, I will not live like this. Flame me if you must. Its now my time to live in the light. I will help her if she choices. If not than so be it. <P>And the flaming starts. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not sure why you're expecting flames. In general, I don't think there's much to criticize about your approach. However, if you really want to make things work, you might communicate a willingness to develop the "skill sets" you lack, and pro-actively make suggestions toward the development of a plan to work on your relationship in a manner that will accommodate the needs of each of you.<P>A crucial element of that plan would have to be establishing appropriate boundaries. As you point out, you cannot fix your wife and she <I>must</I> take responsibility for her own decisions. And you have to be able to step away if she attempts to cross your boundaries or if she attempts to pull you across hers.<BR>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Texas}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I have to talk to you in a unique way--I too am an abuse survivor, so in some ways, I understand what your wife went through/is going through. After having read your "I've Been Robbed" thread, your wife and I have lifestories that are very similar. <P>I have a few questions for you. It seems to me that in the years you were married, this topic/issue never came up? Is that correct? Then I would assume that your W has not gone to any counseling regarding this abuse. Is that also correct?<P>Let me share with you a little bit of my story. I was married for 13 years and together for 15 years. During the course of our marriage we had some very rough spots, and in addition, without knowing what it was, my stbxH was verbally abusive. I thought that was "normal" so I didn't consider that anything was wrong. <P>Over the course of the years, I started to realize that I was living my life to please him and keep him from getting angry. I didn't realize that HE was making the choice--there was nothing I could do. Well, through the grace of God, my son had an incident at school when he was in fourth grade, and I was introduced to the school-based counselor. I'd say, at this point, that that man saved my life in many ways. <P>I went to individual counseling once a week for about 3 years, and to be succinct the story and the memories and the feeling, everything eventually came back. At the time, I thought it was ridiculous that I had to do this awful, horrible hard work that felt so painful, in order to feel better. But what happened, and what I BET is happening for your W, is that I had tried so hard to forget those abusive years and get on with my life, that I had stuffed it all WAY DOWN where it was nearly inaccessible.<P>However, as you know, when you ignore your feelings or bad memories, they don't go away. They just sit there and get more and more and more "infected" until eventually they start to leak out one way or another. Now, as an adult you're still responsible for your behavior, but these ignored feelings certainly can affect how you behave if you don't accept them and work through them.<P>It's conceivable that all these years your W never told you because she did what I did, try to ignore it and get on with her life. It could be that,like me, she was afraid to really face the memories and work through them. That is SO scary and SO hard. It could be that since she could not trust other men in her life, she felt she could not trust you. And, to be honest, it could be that it's easier to blame her past abuse for her crazy behavior than it is to accept responsibility for the way she's behaving.<P>My advice to you would be rather simple. First, be extra gentle and very, very soft in your answers and talks with her. Being angry and self-righteous now will just hurt her worse. Second, in your gentleness, be true to yourself and be honest with what you want and what you want from her. It will be easier for her to make her decision if she knows what to expect (it'll make her feel comfortable). Third, do everything you can to encourage her to go to counseling, but the tricky part is that she has got to want to face it herself--you can't make her. It will be a lot easier for her, though, if she knows you will be encouraging, supportive and helpful. Last, but not least, if you want more specific insights from the personal perspective of a survivor, you can email me at cindy_wolfe@blm.gov.<P>You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.<P>CJ

My goodness!<P>I only *wish* that my husband would talk to me that way. <P>He did, once upon a time. And now he's not the man I married --- he's some horrible stranger. So cold and cruel.<P>But, I can also see how the type of relationship that we seem to be asking of our spouses is frightening. They've been hurt before, and we're asking them to open up to us. If they're running now, I suppose that would make them run more, further and faster.<P>My H has just called off marriage counselling. It looks like things are going to proceed.<P>Part of me dreams and prays that he'll change his mind and desire to work on the marriage. Another part doesn't feel nearly so kind.<P>Still another part says to take care of myself and our daughter first. Then after things are over, wait for the fog to clear his head and start back over at Plan A. <P>Does that sound nuts or what? Considering to let the divorce go through and then going back to woo him?<P>People keep asking me, why do I want to stay with him if he's treated me so badly? I don't want to stay with 'him'; I want back the man I married, the man I fell in love with, my husband!!!<P>I don't care what has happened in the past. I made a commitment to him. He's the father of my child. I want to build a new life with him. And I don't care how long or how much work it will take.<P>If only he'd feel the same.<P>~Amy<BR>(now wondering how many different layers and different kinds of fog there are)