For those of you who had to file...did you call and tell the spouse what you were doing? H wants a divorce but I see no action on his part, so I have an apt with an attorney to start things...

My wife was fairly open to me about who it was, and more-or-less timely about telling me what she and he were doing. It's not pleasant, but I think it shows a bit of class. I never negotiated directly with my opposite number ... I transmitted fairly inflexible demands, and had them more or less met. ... as the price of ridding herself of me.

I talked and retained my lawyer and did not tell my wife. I let time pass (a couple of months) and then filed for divorce. Once I was completely sure that the case had been recieved and numbered by the court clerks office and my lawyer had the number. Then I informed my wife. I didn't want to threaten my wife with a possibility of a divorce. I wanted no doubt in her mind that something was/is going to change. Positively or negatively I was out of the gate and the horses were off..

In my case, my wife is the one who handled the filing since this was her divorce. We live in a "no-fault" state and did not have any kids so our process was pretty cut and dry.<P>Since my ex and I were still on speaking terms, she did keep me updated as to what she was doing and even had the petition sent to me via certified mail rather than having me served via an officer of the court.<P>All through the process we were in contact with one another as to what our attorneys had advised us and how we were proceeding with things. Keeping our lines of communication open during all of this helped out a great deal and kept our costs low.

I went to a lawyer today...........and just talked....my wife found out and went ballistic.....she is the one that has been unhappy in the marriage....but I decided to see what rights I had.......<P>Anyway....My wife went nuts and after I told her some of the things the lawyer said......regarding child support.....she said she will stay married...that I got my wish ...but she will feel like a prisoner.....She is extremely upset.....feels I can not be trusted....because we said we wanted to get one lawyer.......I just can't believe how fast things turned for the worse....

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by WJK:<BR><B>My wife went nuts and after I told her some of the things the lawyer said......regarding child support.....she said she will stay married...that I got my wish ...but she will feel like a prisoner.....She is extremely upset.....feels I can not be trusted....because we said we wanted to get one lawyer.......I just can't believe how fast things turned for the worse....</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>"Went Nuts" is a disrespectful judgment. Tell her that having her stay while feeling like a prisoner is *not* something you consider a victory. Tell her that there is *no* victory you alone can have ... get to a workshop if you can, otherwise read books by Harley, Gottman, Weiner-Davis, Dobson, etc.<P>Didn't you do something behind her back? That is a reason *not* to trust you. But since she was talking divorce, you couldn't trust *her* either, and needed to know where you stood. Neither of you is cutting the other much slack right now. <P>Why don't you make the first conciliatory move?

cpickel,<BR>What do YOU want? If you don't want the divorve, then don't file. If its your H that wants it, then let him file. This is time you can work on yourself and make yourself "attractive" to your H again.<P>I think it is very hard to stop a divorce once the lawyers become involved. Too many sore subject come up and serve only to widen the divide bewteen you two.<P>Hang in and God Bless,<P>Bob

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RWD:<BR><B>I think it is very hard to stop a divorce once the lawyers become involved. Too many sore subject come up and serve only to widen the divide bewteen you two.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Lawyers assume it was a *huge* step just to come to them. If the reasons for the divorce pass the initial "smell test" (lawyers don't want to get involved with something the client will pull the plug on) it's likely they will support pushing it through to the end.<P>They want the fees, of course, but they also feel like they do their clients a disservice if they let them waver. That may not really be "how it is" in the particular case, but nonetheless, attorneys who de-escalate things don't make a name for themselves.

cpickel,<P>I agree with RWD 100%. <P>I did not want this divorce and was not about to file. Since my wife was the one who wanted out I viewed it as her responsibility to handle. I did consult an attorney first who informed me that there was not a real benefit in our case as to WHO filed first, therefore I didn't.<P>If your H really wants the divorce, he will do what he has to do. You always have the option of filing later on down the road if you need to for yourself.

Well I got back from the attorney. I like her...I guess you can say. I did do the paperwork, now I have more to do. I don't want to divorce, but I can no longer live in a marriage where my husband has left the picture, I get bills that hint another affair is happening...and well I am not 100% convinced I want to be married to a man who cares so little for me. <BR>I am no longer sticking it out hoping for him to make the move. This is my life, and I feel I must take control...I have given him my power. I have done the begging, the denial, the deep seeded trust that he never once tried to earn back...h*ll he won't even file...I don't believe that it is because he is so in love with me...I really don't. If he does really love me this will be the wake up call...I am leaving. I am not staying in a relationship where he can have his women on the side, his porn when I am not home and I look the other way....not going to do it. We all deserve to be happy. I don't believe that my H and I were really meant to be together. He is a very shallow man now. When we were poor, barely making our bills he was wonderful...now he has money in his pocket and he spends as if it were a contest to get to zero. <BR>I agree he should be the one to file...but he won't and so I will stay on this rollercoaster until he is between women again...and then I will be out when another one shows up...I don't know for sure about the 2nd A...just a gut feeling...doesn't matter, it just shows where I am with him...there is no trust and quite frankly I am starting to dislike him as a person for this manipulative behavior. This is emotional abuse. <BR>Anyway...I have started the paperwork. I don't know if I am more upset at the fact he had the A (the one I am 100% about), moving 3000 miles away and not telling me we were separated, or being so indecisive that he wouldn't file the papers. Cake and eat it too...I thought I had been to hell...I had all I could do to keep it together at the attorney. There is just so much pain but I can see light at the end of the tunnel...