I am in absolute desperation about my situation. The major problem is a mother-in-law who lives with us. She is very threatened by me and finds very subtle but destructive ways to provoke me. she is also completely dependant on my husband as she lost hers at a young age and he is the only son.<p>Anyway, my husband really won't listen to anything I say and doesn't believe me when I tell him what she does. I have tried confronting her myself but she creates such a scene that my husband starts attacking me verbally (even in front of her at times). I feel so belittled and betrayed by my husband. Not only does he not protect me against his mother but even goes the extra route of trying to hurt me by defending her bad behaviour.<p>I have already left home once - but it has had no impact. I'm seriously considering divorce now as things have just gone too far. We've even been for counselling twice and he says that the counsellors do not know what they're talking about. Yet, he says he wants this marriage to work more than anything in the world. I don't trust his sincerity.<p>His mother is not with us at the moment - but things are still really bad if not worse. We have endless screaming matches (all revolving around her) and are getting nowhere accept hurting each other to a point of no return.<p>Please help.

BJ,<p>I find it distressing that in the last three cases I've commented on it looks like the wife doesn't have much choice except to leave. I think your mother-in-law is being extremely selfish. If she had any respect for her son and his marriage she would go some place else. And I can't say much for your husband doing what he's doing. I can understand his love for his mother but you are supposed to come first. "A man shall leave his father and mother and cleve to his wife".<br>Sounds like you're being forced into a corner. Maybe if you go (provided you feel there is no alternative) and stay away long enough your husband will come to his senses. I don't know. You must love him to keep going through this. But sooner or later someone's going to have to make a choice. He needs to choose you over his mother. He has the power to deal with this in a way that shows his love for her yet maintains you in a position of respect. If he did that then his mom would have to choose whether or not she was willing to step down from the pedestal she now seems to occupy. But if he doesn't get some backbone then...well, I think you see what I mean.

BJ,<p>You say his mother is not with you right now? Is there any way she can stay away?<p>I think that in some of the examples in "Give & Take" we situations just like yours where someone was living in the house with the couple. If you can get your husband to accept the "policy of joint agreement" then because his mother makes you so nuts, she would not be moving back in - because you would not agree to it.<p>He can demonstrate his sincerety in "wanting the marriage to work more than anything in the world" by putting YOU first, before his mother. He may kick and scream, but he'd be hard-pressed to say one thing and do another.<p>I love my mother dearly, but given any choice at all, I put my wife first. Your husband needs to decide if he wants to be a husband or a son. I understand his feelings for his mother, but if he's serious about loving you, he needs to put your needs at the top of the list.<p>As for the screaming matches, I ralize it can be hard, but try not to escalate "conversations" into "fights". Even though you have good reason to be upset - and show it, your outbursts fuel his. (and vice-versa, I'm sure.) <p>I've heard of a technique to use while "arguing": Sit on the couch together and hold hands, then start your discussion. Don't get up and shout across the room at each other. Keep your voices at regular levels. Avoid personal attacks and name-calling. Try to "brainstorm" solutions to the problem that you may not have considered before. (Why does his mother have to stay with you? Can she stay with some other relative - one of her sisters, brothers, etc. Can she afford her own apartment? Can she room with one of her friends or someone her age? etc, etc.)<p>If she has to stay with you, can you and your H set some groundrules for how she will fit into your "dynamic"? <p>I realize that none of this may solve any problems, but it sounds like you really need an answer fast. It sounds like his mother has selfishly decided that her needs are more important that your H's long-term ones, and certainly yours. Does she really want her son to be divorced? <p>Have you tried giving his mother a good sock right in the chops? (just kidding, I'm sure you've felt like it and maybe even considered it.)<p>You may have had the best idea already in moving out. With affairs, Harley recommends moving out and cutting off ALL contact with the other woman if the man is reluctant to stop seeing her. Seems to me like there is "another woman" in your H's life, and maybe he needs to choose. You or her. Sure, maybe she can wash his shirts and cook and talk to him, but I'm positive that he has some needs that she can't meet. You may have to hang tough for a while to get him to see the light. Tell him in as loving way as you can that you are leaving so that he can decide what he wants. (as opposed to yelling and storming out of the house.)<p>Best of luck to you BJ, Make sure you keep us up to date!<p>Val

Thanks so much for your words Bruce and Val. You're right - I should come 1st in his life but somehow he thinks that i can only be 1st if his mom is not around. I don't believe it has to be a choice. I think there has to be a middle of the road solution to this. Why can I see this all so cleary - despite being the one who's being constantly hurt and most threatened.<p>He has even gone so far as to accuse me of marrying him on the rebound - and bringing my past into the picture, after I had fought tooth and Nail against my whole family to marry him as they didn't approve because he is of a diiferent culture. They did not have a problem with him personally but with whether I would cope with the cultural differences. I managed to convince them of that and they accepted him whole-heartedly after that.<p>He has betrayed my trust so completely and has doubted my sincerity about my reasons for marrying him after everything I'd been through with my family to be with him.<p>it hurts even to look at him right now. To top it all, he brings me a bunch of flowers to try and make it better - but this time I didn't accept them (maybe it was the wrong thing to do) - but what does he think, that he can take all the hurt away with a bunch of flowers!! He does that all the time - buys me flowers - thinks I'm happy and never brings up the topic again.<p>I don't know anymore - I think separation is the best route right now.<p>What do you think ?<p>Thanks

BJ,<p>Whoa! You didn't say in your first post that your husband came from another culture. That sheds a whole different light on things. Some cultures are much more oriented towards family (parents in particular) then we are here. I would have to handle that one a little differently than I would a typical American male, though ultimately it may come down to the same solution in either case.<br>I wouldn't pretend to know what to do in a case like this except to make sure I had as thorough an understanding as I could of the culture in question. Perhaps there lies a key in which you could find a work around.

I agree about the cultural part - but ours are not too different. We are of the same religion and celebrate all the same festivals - but from a family-orientation point of view are exactly the same. Even my own brother and his wife live with my parents.<p>Anyway, I'm feeling a little better today , as we chatted a little and he agrees that maybe we need some intensive counselling. He is prepared to talk to a few people to try and understand why I'm so upset - he professes that he doesn't understand the issues clearly. Maybe it's just a distraction to bide time - but I have to try and be positive that he follows through with his suggestion.<p>Thanks for all the input. Anything esle will be appreciated.<p>