My STBX offered to take my son and I out to dinner, and I accepted. I understand that it's going to be a little uncomfortable, and I <B>KNOW</B> it's just a friendly gesture on her part, but I'm going to use it as an opportunity to plan A a little and show her how the new me is coming along.<P>I'm going to avoid any us'relationship talk and just show her that I'm confident and doing good in my new life.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

YAY, Nick! Good for you. You are doing so well, and I'm so proud of you. I think if the fog could just clear for one second, she would be stunned by the new you that you are becoming.<P>Have a great time, enjoy "your day" and you know you'll be in my thoughts tomorrow.<P>{{{{{{{{{{Nick}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Perfect. Just be careful not to take the bait on any little digs she may try slipping in. I'm sure you'll do fine. <P>BTW - did I see you mention something about cycling? Road or mountain?

I'm happy for ya Nick!<P>My B-day is rapidly approaching as well and I truly wonder if I will hear a thing from my ex? <P>I hope all goes well!<P>------------------<BR>"Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives." <BR>-- Louise Hay

nick,<P>I agree with Sisyphus on this one - be very careful about any "digs" your wife may throw at you. Dodge them at all costs, as if they were poison arrows. For if her fog begins to "lift" at all, her defensive mechanism will kick-in and she will start "testing" you to see if anything really has changed, or if you are just putting on a "show".<P>Be on guard and try not to fall into any traps!<P>Otherwise, that is some good news.<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

c00ker,<P>Just be prepared for the downside of "togetherness." Each time my stbx does this to me, it's like tossing a bone to a starving dog...it rekindles all those little feelings of hope that I struggle to clamp down on so I don't feel so hurt when I see her car in his driveway or whatever.<P>I think...the fog may be lifting...he WANTS to spend time with me...maybe OP is out of the picture now...etc. In the end, I usually find out he was just trying to charitable and let me down easy.<P>Guard your heart until you know more!<P>Lisa

Thanks everyone. I know that this is <B>just</B> a friendly gesture on her part. I'm just going to use it as an opportunity to show her a little bit of the change in me and my independence. I don't expect any digs, because I'm sure the fog is still as thick as ever, but if any show up, I'll just take them without flinching. I'm kind of looking at it as a practice date, only my son will be there <P>Sisyphus: I have one of each, although the ATB gets a lot more work in the fall/winter. That & the 30 pounds I've lost seems to have come from my legs. It's almost embarrasing to be seen out on the road, struggling to maintain a B pace, much lees catch a paceline <P>Anyhow, I get a free meal out of it, so it can't be all bad, right? <P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by c00ker:<BR><B>Sisyphus: I have one of each, although the ATB gets a lot more work in the fall/winter. That & the 30 pounds I've lost seems to have come from my legs. It's almost embarrasing to be seen out on the road, struggling to maintain a B pace, much lees catch a paceline <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Don't worry, legs come back quick. My MTB is only a cheapie, but I bought a nice Cannondale R900 off eBay recently and handed my Nashbar 7000 down to new GF (with appropriate distaff mods). Now we ride together (XW had nice Centurion Ironman, but due to psoriatic arthritis, it just sat).

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by c00ker:<BR><B><BR>Anyhow, I get a free meal out of it, so it can't be all bad, right? <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>...as long as you can choke it down while you're with her. I can't eat with my stbx...nerves just tie me up in knots as I sit there trying "figure" him out...<P>I used to think I just didn't understand men in general...now, I'm pretty sure I just don't understand HIM!<P>Think...sip beer first...then swallow a bite of food...in that order! <P>Lisa <P>

Well, it wasn't too bad. She got me a box of good cigars and we had a dinner and a nice bottle of merlot. She was friendly and the evening was pleasant.<P>And as I suspected, there is nothing there. But I stayed positive and never let my disappointment show. We parted amicably, and when I sent her an e-mail thanking her for the evening, she said she had enjoyed it too.<P>It wasn't as big a downer as I thought. Sure, it wasn't the greatest to sit across the table from the woman that I adore and know that she has none of "those" feelings for me, but I survived and think I presented an image of someone who is reasonably happy and secure, which is a major improvement since Christmas. <P>It also helped me see that she is determined to pursue this course of action. I've resigned myself to that fact, and although I'm not putting up any walls or changing my mind about reconcilliation if she ever changed her mind, I'm putting those thoughts away for now and forging ahead with my new life.<P>Anyhow, thank you all for the advice. At the very least, I didn't have to cook or do the dishes last night <P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Sure, it wasn't the greatest to sit across the table from the woman that I adore and know that she has none of "those" feelings for me...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nick, I know exactly what that feels like. However, I'm sure she still has <B>some</B> feelings deep inside, she's just not willing to share them. The two of you have a certain bond and always will. I think all of us hold onto a bond of some sort with the people we love. I myself find more comfort in my ex's body language and actions sometimes than I do her spoken words. Just something to ponder as you reminisce about your evening together.<p>[This message has been edited by Jayhawk 93 (edited January 18, 2001).]

Nick,<P>I think you have a great attitude about things. You feel that you have done all you can and now you are willing to just let things happen. That was the best decision I have ever made. No it has not brought my wife back home (yet), but once I decided to "let go" of the control (for me it was giving the marriage up to God), I felt this HUGE weight lift off of my soul. It was so hard to truly let go and I sometimes still find myself thinking "well if I say this or do that, then just maybe it will make her think this or that". But as soon as those thoughts come, I tell myself, I DON'T have control - if it was meant to be then it will be.<P>For now we must "let go" of the control, not so much of our love, but just the vain attempts to "lift our spouses out of the fog".<P>In any case be thankful for the dinner - it sounds like it went well!<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Hey Cooker,<P>Happy Birthday to you. (Not sure which day it was)<P>Good on you for showing her the new you. this will get her thinking, believe me.<BR>My ex-h has only ever opened up once. I was telling him that his lack of questions seemed to indicate a general lack of care and concern for me (I know, yet another LB) His response stunned me.<BR>He said that because he has told me so often that things are none of my business, how can he ask me questions. How hypocritical would that be of him. He then went on to say that he had wondered what had happened to ?? who I had been seeing for a while but agian, he didn't feel that he could ask.<P>I was stunned that he admitted that he wondered about those things. So I gave him an honest answer. That ?? wanted more than I was able to give at this point in time.<P>Ever since then, our relationship has been a bit better. Still no 'us' talk, but no LB's either on my part. I have let him go, and he goes with my blessings. <P>Whatever will be, will be.<P>I can't do anymore now.<P>I think your dinner went wonderfully. No 'us' talk, no LB's, pleasant food and wine, and just spending time together. that's great. Don't underestimate what she has taken away from this. She just won't admit it to you - yet.<P>take care, and keep on being wonderful.<BR>big hugs<P>Jo