Good morning fellow roller coaster riders...please move to the nearest unoccupied seat and make lots of room for me today!<P>My stbx has told me many times that he has "moved on." He even has/is dating someone and I know they've been intimate at least a couple of times...I asked if he considered them "a couple" - he said no, but that they were "in a relationship." (whatever that means...)<P>In the mean time, he still occasionally flirts with me, has even mentioned the possibility of he and I dating in the future, and we even were intimate a few times during our separation (before I knew about her)...<P>My question is: if he was soooo "unhappy" with our marriage and me that he was compelled to leave and divorce me, why seek me out this way at all? Why not just "be done with me."<P>If he has her to meet his emotional needs (i.e. he doesn't have to be alone or lonely) and she's obviously willing to meet his physical ones as well...what would be the purpose of back tracking at all. I'm so confused about his behavior!<P>I understand the whole "cake man" theory...but feel that applies more to an affair situation where the wife doesn't know it's going on. He and I have talked about him dating her - he knows my decidedly negative feelings about her and the whole issue of him seeking a relationship with someone else so soon after our separation...so he's not pulling any wool over my eyes on that regard.<P>I've told him I won't be part of a triangle (emotional or physical) - especially in the role of OW - to a woman he is dating while he's still legally married to me. How weird is that? I am sort of the OW in my own marriage...(not that I give one hoot if HER feelings get hurt)...but it isn't fair to me.<P>He and I are supposed to meet again this evening and talk about what he's feeling and why he's sort of pursuing me and yet still "in a relationship" with her. My plan is to get him talking and me just listening mostly.<P>I would really like to hear your opinions...especially from those who have been WS's...I'd like to know your perspective on his behavior. I'm sure he's still somewhat fogged - so I don't think his answers are going to be core truths...more just attempts at trying to figure out what he's feeling.<P>Help???????<P>Lisa<P>------------------<BR>---------<BR>To err is human, to forgive divine.

Not real up to date with your story so I may be off here. Could be many reasons why he's doing that. In fact, I touched this subject briefly last night with a friend of mine. Her divorce is almost final (He filed) and he still wants sex with her once in awhile. What a rollercoaster for her! She fills up with false hope because he spent an evening nice to her, making love to her. Then he'll call her a few days later, tell her it was a mistake and that he has a girlfriend, heck he has a few girlfriends (so he says). Now I know why HE does it. He was always a controller during their marriage and he loves the power he has over her emotions, always has. So, HE does it for control issues....not because he wants back with her (although sometimes he talks about that, then shoots her down a few days later). It could also be the "having his cake and eating it too" just like you suggested. I always thought that sentence went best when the spouse KNEW they were being cheated on and allowing it, or putting up with it. It could be the thrill of sleeping with 2 or more women at one time. It's tough to know why because it depends on the person. All I do know is that as long as the betrayed spouse continues to sleep with the betrayer the betrayer still holds all the cards, has all the power.

Why does he do this? Well unfortunately because you are letting him. It sounds like he is able to "plant" the right words at the right time when it comes to you. Don't get me wrong, I am sure that you are gaining strength in this whole situation, but from your words here, you can see that he "is" making you think - he "is" still getting to you.<P>I hate to say this, because I am always the optimist (and maybe I still am here), but I think you need to cut contact with him until he is able to cut-loose the other woman. You need to reach down and grab hold of your inner strength and begin to start moving forward with your life. Quietly inside, you can tell yourself that you still want things to work and you still would take him back, but on the outside you need to be independent and strong. There is a good chance that once he sees that you are no longer waiting around on him and that your life is beginning to pass him by, the "fog" will lift and he will want to reconcile.<P>But as long as there is the possibility, just the possibility, that he could have you and the other woman at the same time, his "fog" I fear will remain.<P>It sounds like he still has feelings for you and that is good - use that to YOUR advantage. Make him "court" you again. Force him to make a decision via your own actions...<P>Just my $.02<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Hi Lisa,<P>Ummmmm let me see if I've got this straight. He's left you, and is dating someone else, but still comes back from time to time to be with you.<P>If this is correct, then he has the best of all worlds for a wandering spouse. His new girlfrined, and his wife once in awhile. I'm glad you stopped being intimate with him once you learned about the OW.<P>You are in a most difficult position. He seems to be giving some signals that there is still hope for the two of you, but continues his relationship with the other person. The best part of this (for him) is that if the OW dumps him, he can come back to you. See how convinent that is?<P>I certainly would never advocate plan B, but plan A is going to be very hard on you and is going to cost you quite a bit emotionally.<P>Listen very carefully to what he says, it may or may not be what he means. He sounds very confused, so be very cautious how you react.<P>Take care Lisa...<P><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Now I don't know why your WS does what he does, but here is my take on my own.<P>She has always liked male attention. I think that she gets off on having two men "fighting" over her. It helps her with her self esteem (she thinks). This was especially true early in our separation.<P>Now, since I won't give her what she wants regarding the kids, I have committed huge LB's. She doesn't call them that, never having been here, but that is the way she looks at it.<P>As you get further down the road, the behavior will extinguish. At least it did in my case.