Hi,<P>well, after talking to STBX about reconciliation and all, and he telling me that I should just go on with my life, I accepted a dinner date with a very nice guy. <P>STBX shows up at the house about an hour before I was due to go out on the pretext of seeing the kids. I was back drying my hair when he got here, but I guess the first thing he asked my daughter was, "who is mom going out with?" He then had me come out and asks me about it. I just said it was a dinner date, nothing that he hadn't done all through our marriage, but it was a nice guy who was very considerate of my feelings and that was very nice for a change. He was really short with the kids and then he left. I told him that I wasn't ready to be emotionally or romantically involved with anyone and that more than anything, I would rather be going out with him, but he had made it very clear to me that it was never to be. As he walked back to his truck, I told him I loved him and he just said, "yeah, right."<P>I called him the next day because the woman he had an EA (at least)with for several years drove by the house looking for him. I told him she had come by, he said he knew, she and her daughter were sitting there with him talking at that moment. He said she was married now and that when he heard she had gone by the house that it probably didn't go over too well. He asked how my date had been and I just said it was a good dinner. He said we'd talk about it when he came over to work on the taxes. <P>I know he wasn't happy about me going out, and this was the man who said if I had an affair he'd go up and shake the guy's hand and buy him a beer. Don't know if it's a case of he doesn't want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to, either, or if maybe he realized he does still have some feelings for me after all. <P>Lori <P>

There's no predicting the depth and complexity of feelings that come up when marriages go bad. As long as the other side will talk to you, you can learn a lot. I hope you get the details you're looking for. And can become, if nothing else, better friends for the sake of the children.<P>Just remember, men are not as skilled as women in this area, so he may not be able to put any name, or a correct name, to a lot of what he is feeling. Be patient.

Hi Lori,<P>That's a tough one. While it's possible he may still have feelings for you, I'm kind of leaning toward the other option. He also may have taken comfort in knowing that you were still interested in fixing the relationship and that may have given him a little safety net. When he saw a possible rift in that net, that you weren't waiting for him to come running back to you, it may have scared him a little. Driven home the finality of it all.<P>Not sure what to advise. I got some good advice earlier, so I'll pass it on. <P>Guard your heart.<P>Take care...<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Lori,<P>This is so funny! I had the exact same thing happen to me, and I don't know what the heck to think. My stbx left Feb. 3rd and has basically been with OW ever since. He even lives with her now! He doesn't take our kids over to his place to have his own children, he comes over to my house to watch movies with them (usually on the weekend), and he drives them to and from school.<P>Well, as luck would have it, I have a great man that I'm starting to think about a little, and my older son was teasing me about having a crush. Well, I played back and said "yeah sort of," and he and I had a good giggle over it.<P>Enter fog-blinded stbx. He came over to visit the kids one weekend, and my son happened to mention that I had a crush on someone. Well, the stbx went crazy! He was mad! The stuff he said was like, "Well, I can see how much you really cared--you moved right on" and "I suppose he's everything I'm not"--you get the drift. <P>My question is this: why does he care? He left me and is living with OW and has a whole new life and did FAR WORSE than having a crush while we were still together! Why is he so upset about this? It doesn't make any sense to me.<P>So, Lori, I don't have any answers for you, other than to say, I guess it's fairly typical. My take on this whole deal: I think he always figured that if the OW ever dumped him, he would just come back to me! <P>Talk about FOG!!!!<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

FaithfulWife,<P>I think the jealousy is directly attributable to the "fog". If someone is in the fog, then there is no doubt they are confused - even if they don't want to admit that to us. They still believe that if they somehow "find" feelings for us, then they can return and fix things and everything will be all better.<P>But when you begin to move on to another person, your WS quickly comes to the conclusion that there may not be anything to "come back to". Then the jealousy sets in and the fear. They probably fear that you may become happier than they are. It probably forces them to truly evaluate the new relationship they are involved in and maybe rethink their decision to leave you in the first place. Now they may seem that their "happy-go-lucky" lifestyle does have some repercussions - and that they may be the ones left holding the bag in the end.<P>You have taken their security blanket away - their "ace in the hole". GOOD! They need to come to terms that while we may be committed to our relationship and marriages, we are not going to wait around forever.<P>I say "good for you both"! Let your WS feel some sadness, jealousy and anger for awhile - Let them experience maybe just a little of the hurt they are putting you through.<P>Mike

Thanks for the replies! I am still doing a partial Plan B, I try not to call him or anything like that, so he has called me every day since. He called this morning but I didn't answer the phone (we got call waiting so we could answer or not depending on how we felt)and he didn't leave a message. <P>I am guarding my heart, Nick. I am just waiting to see what all happens. Kind of bummed today, couldn't talk myself out of a speeding ticket this afternoon. Other than that, I finally caught up on my sleep and feel a little more energetic. <P>Lori

Hi, Lori,<P>right in the middle of our "foggy battle," i got two 35+ over the speed limit tickets.<P>talking? the officer told me i had this morning's record, and could he see my pilot's license?<P>drive a little slower, and your life will go a little slower, take my word for it.<P>tom<p>[This message has been edited by WhenIfindthetime (edited January 17, 2001).]

Hi Lori! First, thanks for your post over on EN. I really appreciate it.<P>About the STBX thing. You are probably carrying a new attitude and a new confidence that H hasn't seen lately. I think this is awesome for you. I agree with those who have said, let him hurt a bit, not out of spite, but out of self discovery!!<P>You deserve some good, and I agree with the post that claims YOU GO GIRL!!!!!<P>Chin up<BR>Jen

Soon2b has a point. When my ex found out that I was seeing someone, I got a phone to tell me that he "sometimes misses me, and that is not something that he can talk to his new girlfriend about." He was a bit melancholy. Then, when I later blasted him and got emotional (a huge setback) about the D, he shifted gears to the power holder. He was now in control of my feelings again.

BTW:<BR>It's been a while. Glad you're still around! (Kind of. None of us wants to be here, really.)