For those who know what is going on. We still have no decision in our custody hearing. Maybe tomorrow. I spoke with my wife yesterday. I only called to tell her happy b-day. Since she was at work I thought the conversation would be short. She wanted to know why I was doing this to her?(Trying to get custody of the kids). I told her that she was making me. That she couldn't see what she was doing and in the kids best interests I felt I had to seek custody. She doesn't see it at all. She actually said. " Before we went to court there might have been something left but now that is gone." I asked her what she wanted me or expected me to do. She said that " If you want to put this back together why don't you do what I ask. I want to get this divorce so we can be friends. I want to go out as a family again. I want to start dating you again to see if we can bring back the love. Why won't you give me a divorce so we can start over?" ......Correct me if I am wrong but she isn't making any sense. Why get a divorce to start over? Is this her way of hoping that I will help her? Has anyone heard something so ridiculous? And what the heck does it mean?

Lies and damn lies or more "fog" convoluted thinking. I think she's trying to manipulate the you and the situation.<P>If she is not behaving in a manner conductive to having a positive environment for the children, then by all means, pursue custody. (she's not, of course) It is your duty as a father. Your wife has demonstrated how irresponsible she is. <P>Like I told my wife (STBX); "I will fight you tooth and nail". (custody) "I have the money and the time." (retirement money) She's agreed to joint custody with me as the primary custodian. She has officially filed now. We do have a mediated agreement which is not yet signed. The ball is in my court. Time to counterfile.<P>DO NOT LET HER MANIPULATE YOU WITH HER LIES. I'll bet she's gotten pretty good at it. My STBXW is.<P>Take care of your kids and yourself. Be a man. If anything, she will respect you, though she may not like it.<P>SHE CAN NOT HAVE HER CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!!!<P>Stand firm. Be a good father. Your kids need you.<P>Her actions have consequences.<P>Good Luck<P>Kevin

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by wantmyfamtogether:<BR><B>"...Why won't you give me a divorce so we can start over?"<BR>...<BR>Has anyone heard something so ridiculous? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is the same tripe that my W has been trying to feed me for months, and it's the second time today that I've read similar posts on this board. I don't know how it comes about, but from what I've heard from my counselor and my divorce attorney, some women get it in their heads that a divorce is the answer to their troubles. I don't understand it any better than you do. I've explained countless times that the day after the divorce will be almost the same as the day before the divorce and that it won't solve any problems.<P>For my part, I'm "starting over" after a divorce alright, but it won't be the way she seems to think it'll be.<P><BR>

It is well known in the medical community about all the strange chemicals floating around in women's bodies.<P>Your W's statements are irrefutable evidence.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by wantmyfamtogether:<BR><B>She said that " If you want to put this back together why don't you do what I ask. I want to get this divorce so we can be friends. I want to go out as a family again. I want to start dating you again to see if we can bring back the love. Why won't you give me a divorce so we can start over?" ......Correct me if I am wrong but she isn't making any sense. Why get a divorce to start over? Is this her way of hoping that I will help her? Has anyone heard something so ridiculous? And what the heck does it mean?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have heard it. I don't know that there is any response that will be appropriate. What I do know is that it is some kind of rationalization for their decision. <P>Unfortunately, when you hear these words, I think it is almost always too late to get the paperwork stopped. And if you stick up for yourself in the process, there will be hard feelings. But stick up for yourself (and your kids) you must. <P>My approach was to make it clear that after divorce, she was a nonentity. Which she has pretty much been. She tried to reconnect after the divorce, but I was in so much pain and was already involved. Now when I'm willing to reach out a little bit, things are the other way around (but I'm still involved, so that doesn't mean I'm trying to rekindle anything). <P>My advice: resolve that this path is something you will follow for your STBXW's sake ... let her lead, but don't drag your feet. She is very focused on her path right now, and you needn't add to her burden or yours by worrying or trying to change it. <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited January 17, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by o2bsane:<BR><B> I don't know how it comes about, but from what I've heard from my counselor and my divorce attorney, some women get it in their heads that a divorce is the answer to their troubles. <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sorrryyyy bbboooyyysss - it isn't just women who play this particular head game...I have a stbxh who could educate the masses in this particular manipulation - they try to keep you at arms length - but no farther - to keep you out of their romantic life but still string you along semi-friendly as a way of protecting their interests during the divorce process. My husband used flirting with me and little crumbs of "future for us" talk for the very same reason.<P>Lisa<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by wantmyfamtogether:<BR><B>For those who know what is going on. We still have no decision in our custody hearing. Maybe tomorrow. I spoke with my wife yesterday. I only called to tell her happy b-day. Since she was at work I thought the conversation would be short. She wanted to know why I was doing this to her?(Trying to get custody of the kids). I told her that she was making me. That she couldn't see what she was doing and in the kids best interests I felt I had to seek custody. She doesn't see it at all. She actually said. " Before we went to court there might have been something left but now that is gone." I asked her what she wanted me or expected me to do. She said that " If you want to put this back together why don't you do what I ask. I want to get this divorce so we can be friends. I want to go out as a family again. I want to start dating you again to see if we can bring back the love. Why won't you give me a divorce so we can start over?" ......Correct me if I am wrong but she isn't making any sense. Why get a divorce to start over? Is this her way of hoping that I will help her? Has anyone heard something so ridiculous? And what the heck does it mean?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> No. this does not make any sense at all. My guess is she is having an affair and not secure with what might become of it so she would like to keep you hanging on, just in case. I believe this because that is exactly what my husband did to me. I didn't know he was having an affair, he only said there was too much pressure and we needed to end it and start over with a clean slate. ?????I couldn't figure it out. After we divorced, his mistress and her husband called to inform me of the affair. She ended it after he found out and they were going to work through it. He later joined a dating service and has been seeing a girl from there for 5 1/2 months now. He still tells me he "wants to find his way back but he's so confused" He says he's afraid I will make him pay the rest of his life for his mistake. He only tortures me by telling me he wants me and wants to come back only to still see the other girl. He keeps telling me he's going to end it with her but still hasn't. He is in therapy but still messed up. He continues to tell me he wants to come back but says he "has some loose ends to tie up" I have been dating a guy for 2 months now and my x says that if I get intimate with this guy, he will never come back. Sounds like a control issue to me but he says, "It's different for guys. We have egos." Well, I have an ego too and I don't think it should be any different for me than it is for him. This mess has been going on for almost a year now. I know someday that I will have to get fed up with it all and tell him LATER!. Until then, I'm still on the roller coaster of love. I suggest you let her go and see that the grass is not greener on the other side. If it's meant to be, she'll be back. Otherwise, go on with your life, get therapy or whatever it takes to fight you feelings.<P>

Hi there,<P>glad you posted. I was wondering about you and your situation.<P>As far as what she has said goes, let it go in one of your ears and out the other. And be prepared for a lot more of the same sort of tripe. It's what they all do.<P>From what I've learnt here, and from my own experience, they (WS) cannot deal with the shame and guilt of what they have done, so will say and do anything to justify their behaviour or their choices. What your w said to you is just one of the many common things that are said.<P>And now you've been lumped in the box with all of us. I thought that I was the only one in the whole world going through this, and even when I first came here, I thought that NO other situation could possibly be the same as mine. Well, the exact situation may not be the same, but the end result is. The WS will do anything to protect themselves and their sordid little affairs. And then when it is all out in the open due to discovery, they lie and justify even harder.<P>I have decided that my ex-h needs to do all that he needs to do. I have to let go. and if he falls in the process, I can try to be there but if he chooses not to let me, so be it. These are all his choices. As they are your w's. We have no option but to accept them. Hard as it is.<P>Of course, this is all with the benefit of nearly 2 years of hindsight.!!!!!!!! 2 years of living hell, however, I do believe I can see the pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel. That is far better than where I was 6 months ago.<P>You have to go through all this, ride the rollercoaster along with the rest of us. And it's revolting. I hate rollercoasters.!!!<BR>But ride it we must. For your own sake, you need to hang on, keep your chin up, and work on yourself. Do something that you have always wanted to do. Do something that you have always been interested in. It will help believe me.<P>Try not to read too much into what she says at the moment. None of it will make sense. It will all be geared towards making her feel better about herself. You need to listen with only half an ear. And you need to ready yourself for the custody hearing. You need to be in tip-top shape for that. So eat well, and try to sleep. Easier said than done I know. But try. You can do it. <BR>And always remember, we're all here for you. always.<P>take care of you, and here's a big hug<P>Jo

Like many others that have already posted, I get the same thing. I got primary custody of the kids, and now, according to her and her family, I took her kids away from her. Excuse me? She is the one that didn't want to be married. The way I look at it, she tried to take the kids away from me. I was the one trying to keep the family together.<P>She told me when we separated that she didn't want anything to do with me. Now, even though I am primary custodian, she wants child support. And even though she has been living with the OM since she moved out, she wants spousal support. Let OM take care of her, I've done my time.<P>Never know what happens in those brains.